It was one of those days I stopped by our local post office - sort of notorious there I guess. Not because my picture was on a poster there, but because I kid around with the workers a lot. I wasn't kidding them when I complimented them on their new uniforms. They had just at that point premiered a redesigned uniform, and I actually noticed. One of the women there seemed pleasantly surprised. I said, "Can you believe it? An observant male!" She smiled and said, "I thought that was an oxymoron." Oh boy! Unfortunately, it would be all too many times.
It's a good thing that out of our three children we had only one daughter. I could only afford one wedding! Now my wife did all kinds of resourceful things to keep the costs way down. It was so nice of those guests to bring a sack lunch, I'll tell you. You know? The only time they'd been to a reception like it. No, no, I'm only kidding. It was modest, but it was beautiful. But it certainly wasn't free! We like watching the video of the wedding once in a while, but we won't have to do the wedding again! No, can you imagine if her husband kept saying every few months, "I think we need to have another wedding. I want to make sure we're married." They haven't needed to do that! Neither have her mother and I because we know we got married that day.
You know something's up when a friend offers you a piece of candy and then stands there to watch you eat it. Yeah, it happened in our office when my administrative assistant then offered me a piece of sour apple candy with the interesting name "Warheads." I didn't know what that was then. That should have been my second clue, besides her standing and watching me eat it. The third clue should have been the drawing on the wrapper. It's this cartoon guy with his head sort of blowing up. Well, being the good sport that I am, I went for it. The first minute was awful. Bitter doesn't begin to describe the taste. It was just bad bitter! I mean, my mouth puckered. It even made my eyes water! And then, as suddenly as that sharp bitter taste had invaded my mouth, the taste changed to a really enjoyable sweet fruit taste. Which, I am happy to report, lasted considerably longer than the bad taste.
It started on a family vacation in Southern California. The kids were asking about earthquakes which were not a part of our regular growing up years in New Jersey. We started this whimsical little exercise where I would yell, "Earthquake drill!" Now, invariably our older son would run over to his older sister and he would hug her. I would ask innocently, "What are you doing?" to which he would reply, "Dad, you told us to hang on to something heavy!" Oooh, she wasn't, but I'll tell you, that boy was lucky he lived to have a sixth birthday! Actually, when things are shaking, it's really a pretty good idea to hang on to something heavy!
I really hate to be viewed as a typical tourist. But when I went to South Africa a few years ago, I was Tommy Tourist. Yeah, I had my camera clicking everywhere. My friend, Ted, was kind enough to take me between the conferences where I was speaking to Kruger National Park; probably the finest natural game park in all the world. Of course, I was seeing things I'd never seen before. I'd see a giraffe, or a rhinoceros out in the wild or in my dream. I just wanted to see wild elephants, and I did. And I'd yell at Ted like Tommy Tourist, "Stop! Pull over the car!" I'd promptly jump out and start shooting pictures. And he patiently said to me, "Ron, move quickly, and I'll watch your back." I said, "Why?" I didn't think my back was that much fun to watch. He said, "Ron, you have to understand that in this tall grass, there may be lions." Well, he went on to tell me about the tourist that had been mauled while taking pictures in Kruger National Park recently. It's amazing how fast I could get back in the car, and what great pictures you can take out the window. I learned to take a lot of pictures from the car. You know it's great to know that there's someone watching your back when there might be a lion ready to pounce on you.
Graduation day was a suspenseful day for our younger son. He wasn't totally sure what was going to be inside that diploma that the college President handed him. See, he had been informed several days before graduation that no one would know for sure that they were actually going to receive their diploma until they returned to their seat and looked inside the cover. The seniors didn't know their final grades, and if there were any unpaid fees they weren't going to know that either, until they opened their diploma cover and found a bill instead of a diploma.
Our friends, Dan and Ellen, were living in this beautiful farmhouse that became a little less beautiful one day. They'd been doing some heavy outdoor work and they were using a big old dump truck. Ellen was a city girl. She lived on a farm for so many years that there isn't much that she couldn't do though - including driving a dump truck! She'd learned to be a good farm girl. This particular night they had just started it up when she had to run in the house for something, maybe a phone call. (You getting ahead of me now?) She left it running for just a minute. I guess it was more minutes inside than she had anticipated. You know how phone calls can be. Something happened as the air pressure built up in the truck's air brakes and they somehow released! Yeah, that big old dump truck started rolling until something stopped it...Dan and Ellen's dining room and kitchen stopped it! That truck ploughed right through their dining room wall. The brakes on their vehicle failed and the result? Major damage to their home!
Remember the old days? Yeah, with hotels, you know, and the keys? Yeah, the keys; not the little card they give you that opens the door. In those days I had a little problem. I don't remember when a guy asked me when I checked out of a hotel one day, "Ron did you turn in your key?" I thought somewhere along the way he talked to my wife, because see was the one who got to mail all those keys back. It's true, I have been known to own a hotel key collection. I mean, everybody needs a hobby, right? Some people collect stamps, coins, you get the idea! Well, actually it's never my intention to walk off with hotel keys, but sometimes I end up taking what I never meant to take. When I didn't even know I was taking it.
Just a few years ago they had the battle of Little Big Horn again, and Custer lost again. Actually it was part of a movie on the life of the great Oglala Lakota, Chief Crazy Horse. My Lakota friend, Jerry, was asked to be one of Crazy Horse's warriors in the movie. Now, one challenge was riding bareback. They had to do that full speed in the battle scenes, and of course, the big scene was the portrayal of Custer's last stand. Interestingly enough, Jerry can't even find himself in those scenes because the warriors were going by so fast in a cloud of dust. Someone asked him how many warriors they needed to reenact a battle that involved so many Native Americans. He said, "Oh, about 80." Hollywood of course is all about illusion, so they just had these 80 guys keep charging up to the soldiers, turn their horses sharply and circle around again and again and again. There weren't nearly as many warriors on the other side as it looked like in the movie. Custer might have wished that the real odds might have been that even.
I was supposed to be speaking for an event at the Rosemont Horizon. It's this massive arena near Chicago's O'Hare Airport, and it's surrounded by a "spaghetti bowl" of expressway ramps. My driver was unfamiliar with the roads around the arena, so we spent an exciting few minutes circling the Horizon on one ramp after another. We just couldn't seem to find the ramp or the exit that went to the destination we wanted. It wasn't that we couldn't see the auditorium the whole time. Oh, I saw it plenty of times. It was just because we didn't know how to get into it!
Tom thought he had the perfect hiding place. In fact, he told me about it the other day. Actually, Tom isn't his real name, but the incident really happened about 20 years ago when he was a teenager. He was raised in a Christian family; he was a nice Christian boy - except for some of his reading material. Yeah, and this was before the Internet, and he got into buying "Playboy" and some other similar magazines. And he hid them where he was sure no one would ever find them - in his old, unused ice box where no one ever went. Well, one day, Tom went to get his dirty magazines and they were gone. But that wasn't the worst part. There was a Bible where the magazines had been! He knew it had to be his Dad. There was never a word spoken about it, but there were no more magazines after that. Great switch, huh?
Metal mouth! Yeah, that's what they called my daughter in Junior High. Of course, there were plenty of kids you could call that. Those pre-teen and early teen years? Those are braces years a lot of times. All our kids got to take their turn at braces, and we were thankful, frankly, that we had a friend who was an orthodontist. The work was important, but the bills? They were challenging! Our friend allowed us to pay in installments, but even that was hard sometimes. We still had this large unpaid balance the day our latest bill arrived. We opened it and we couldn't believe the three beautiful words that were stamped across the bill - PAID IN FULL!
Aunt Betty's wedding ring had been in the family for three generations, and it was passed down to my wife. There's probably no piece of jewelry that she treasured more than this one. But she couldn't wear it because Aunt Betty's ring size was a lot larger than my wife's little fingers. So Karen identified a jeweler whose craftsmanship she trusted and she entrusted this heirloom to him to be downsized. To be honest, she was a little nervous leaving it with anyone, but she did commit it to this jeweler. When he called that the ring was ready, she could hardly wait to see what he had done with it. Well, the diamonds were intact, the ring looked the same, but it fit her perfectly. He didn't make it into a necklace or a pendant. He didn't change the setting of the stones. Of course not. He took what was entrusted to him and just made it better.
On some of my trips I can travel pretty light, but there have been some where I felt like a mule carrying the things I had to take. One trip I had to pack for three different seasons; professional settings, youth settings. Well, you get the idea. I was going to be gone for quite a while, of course, I had to basically take my office with me too. I had a lot of baggage! When I arrived, someone from the area met me at the gate and they said those magic words, "Let me help you with your bags." I did.
One of the cities that symbolizes the charm of the Old South for me is Charleston, South Carolina. When you go down to the harbor and hire a carriage ride to go to the old part of the city, you feel like you're suddenly back in like "Gone With the Wind" or something. These antebellum homes and mansions are classic. I thought it was great that this historic part of the city had been so well preserved over the years, until the carriage driver told me what really happened. These old buildings had actually deteriorated terribly over the years and the area had become pretty shabby until some people took an interest in financing a renewal.
The Lewis and Clark Expedition! They were that bold group of explorers that Thomas Jefferson sent to explore the largely uncharted Louisiana Purchase. The expedition was under the leadership of Captains Lewis and Clark, and it faced blazing heat and bone-chilling cold. They had some close calls with vicious animals, they were attacked by insects, they had the prospect of massacre by many Indian tribes whose land they were crossing, there were perilous passages, and even the death of one of their own. After a year and a half of paying a really high price, Captain William Clark stood one day in the bow of his boat, pointed west up the Columbia River, and shouted, "Ocean in view!" Later he wrote in his journal: "Ocean in view! O joy! Great joy in camp! For we are in view of the ocean, this great Pacific Ocean which we had been so long anxious to see!"
It was one of those primitive science experiments that a lot of boys try. OK, it's a sunny winter day. You lay out a board on the ground - this is what I did anyway. Now you can leave it there all day with the sun beating down on it. It won't even get warm. Oh, but now the exciting part of the experiment. Yep! You take a piece of glass and you focus the sun's rays on one spot on that board. Same sun, same board - very different result. Eventually, that board starts to get hot - and you've got smoke - maybe even a fire going there. Amazing, huh?
My son and I were waiting in front of a restaurant and we saw this dad desperately trying to keep his impatient two-year-old occupied. Good luck! What's that word we sometimes use to describe the "two-year-olds"? "Terrible twos"? Yeah, well, there's something in a little child that wants freedom, and will go for it at the first opportunity. This kid was no exception. As soon as his dad let go for a moment, he started chugging down the sidewalk. Dad started after him, of course, pretending he was having a hard time catching the little guy. Well, you knew he wasn't. My son just watched in amusement and he said to me, "It's so funny watching a kid trying to get away from his father. You know he's going to lose."
Now when you go food shopping it isn't as simple as it used to be. But that's a good thing, because you have to take time to read the labels. You don't just grab and run. Now, you think about it, we can find out now what's really in that cereal or those cookies or whatever. We're starting to realize more that what we eat has a lot to do with how healthy we are. And maybe how long we live. There's a lot of damaging ingredients hidden in some of that food, like for example, fat grams! Before we buy something, we've got to know about the fat grams in it and a whole lot of other things. I mean, who needs that stuff keeping your blood from your heart? Now, we smart shoppers, who want to live a little longer, realize the damage that those ingredients can do; some of that stuff that's hiding in the food, so we don't just buy the good-looking food because it looks good. Uh! Uh! First, we check for what's in that product that could do damage!
I've never been in a storm at sea and that's fine! I've heard the stories. You remember the ship, some years ago, that was making this transatlantic voyage from Liverpool to New York. One night, at a time when most of the passengers were asleep, the ship was hit by this "mega" Atlantic storm. The wind and the waves were so violent at one point they actually tipped the ship almost on its side, and down below, the passengers were thrown out of their beds. They're freaking out! I mean, this is a rude awakening! Now in this one cabin, a little girl was thrown out of her bed like everybody else and her mother was already awake from the intensity of the storm. But there was one thing different about this particular passenger. See, her daddy was the captain! While she was all bleary eyed, she asked her mom the only thing she really wanted to know about the situation, "Is daddy on deck?" Her mom said, "Well yes he is, honey." The little girl's response was right to the point, "Then I'm going back to bed."