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Tuesday, January 14, 2014

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You can become fairly addicted to a predictable television adventure series. You know how it's going to go. There's a victim you like; there's a villain you don't like, and there's a predicament. And you want to see the predicament resolved, but what if the predicament isn't resolved? You see this wrong sense of values as it goes down to three minutes, two minutes, one minute. You know it's going to end very quickly and it's getting worse. The villain you don't like is winning. The victim you really do like, well how are they going to fix it? And finally, one of the heroes appears on the scene and it's resolved.

Monday, January 13, 2014

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For many years I was kind of an old fashioned sort of guy in shaving. You know, I wasn't going to have any of those electric shavers for me. I've sort of succumbed now. But for many years I shaved, well, what I thought was like real men. Which meant cooking my beard with hot water first. And that required filling that sink with hot water; as hot as I could stand it. Now, in order for that to happen, the sink has to be able to hold water for a few minutes. And you know what I've noticed traveling around? They don't all do it. I can get them all full; I just couldn't keep them all full. So I'd close the drain, but they just didn't all hold water. I have to keep filling the sink, filling the sink because it leaked.

Friday, January 10, 2014

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I checked the bread drawer and it was still there, but there was a smell! Our daughter was visiting and she put in a bagel order with her aunt. She said, "I want an onion bagel." Well, somehow that onion bagel spent a few days in that bread drawer before it finally disappeared. Oh, the bagel was gone, but the smell remained. Well, that's not correct. Oh, no! In fact, the taste wasn't even gone. That little round stinker flavored every bagel in the drawer. So they all tasted like onion bagels now. I even had a bag of Starburst candies in the bread drawer, (Don't ask me why.) and guess what? You should try those with a little onion flavor! Yum, yum! Who would have guessed that one thing could stink up and flavor everything?

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

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I have a friend who seems like every winter he reminds me, "January is my bad month." I thought, "Well, does he get the credit card slips from Christmas, or what?" He said, "No, my biorhythms are always down in January. I feel unmotivated; things go wrong." I don't spend a lot of time with him in January.

Friday, January 3, 2014

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There are some advantages to living where it's cold in the winter, especially if you're a child in school. You know, it's those two great words, "Snow Day!" I remember on one particular overnight snow when the guys were real small. We heard our sled calling us from the garage. I said, "Snow Day! Let's play!" So there's this hill near us, and when we got there half the town was there. So, we got on our sleigh; my oldest son and I were on it this one time. We started down the hill and we were almost to the bottom when I looked behind us. I didn't like what I saw. There was this big sled speeding straight at us. He didn't see us. I had time for one word, "Jump!" My son responded instantly. We both jumped off and I think we might have missed some injury by inches. I was really glad he didn't take time to ask, "Why, Daddy?"

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

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My son and I were trying to remember those basic food groups the other day. And we decided that there's one more than we learned in school. Haven't they added junk food as a basic food group? The problem with all that stuff, you know, the chips, candies, and cookies. They're habit forming! A long time ago, before you could actually skip the commercials, there was one that showed a well-known comedian reaching into a bag for one chip, then he got another and another. And he finally says, "You can't eat just one."

Monday, December 30, 2013

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It's a good thing our oldest son could outrun his sister when they were kids, especially after one of our "earthquake drills." Oh, the earth wasn't really shaking. It started after we returned from a trip to California where we heard a lot about earthquakes. So - for no intelligent reason I can think of - I would occasionally yell randomly, "Earthquake drill!" And the ensuing script went something like this. Brother would run to his sister and hold her tightly. Father: "What are you doing, son?" Brother: "You said if there was an earthquake, we should hang onto something heavy!" This is when speed saved his young life.

Friday, December 27, 2013

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I guess there's a daredevil inside of most little boys. They like to push the limits of safety and sanity. If you've got a boy or ever raised one, you know that. I'm not sure that part of the boy ever grows up, even when that boy becomes a man. I know that whenever we would hike to the top of a mountain, I would tend to head toward the edge of the cliff. That's where you get the best view, right?

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

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Billy was just about to celebrate his tenth birthday. It was the day of his birthday party, and Mom had made sure that all of his little friends were invited over. She came in the family van, drove up to the school and picked everybody up; went on home and all the kids stormed into the house with all their presents, and laid them on the table that had been set aside just for that. Then they went ahead and they played some great games, they played a little kick ball in the back yard, and they came in and they sat down for the goodies. The dining room was all decorated, and they sat around the table and in came the cake with ten candles on it. Sure enough!

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

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It was our grandson's two-year Christmas, and he was so much fun to watch. One day during the season, his mother unpacked the family Nativity Set for her and her boy to set up, and he loved it. They put up the manger, and Mary and Joseph, and the angels, and the shepherds. They put out everyone except the one figure they couldn't find. They couldn't find baby Jesus. Well, our grandson was pretty concerned about this missing person, so Mommy told him Daddy would look for baby Jesus when he got home from the office. A lot of hours passed. Our grandson heard Daddy coming up the back steps. He ran to the door and greeted his father with an impassioned two-word question, "Where's Jesus?"

Monday, December 23, 2013

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I just dropped off a Christmas poinsettia at a friend's house - she was getting home from the hospital today. Her husband died of cancer last week while she was laid up with back surgery. For her, I guess the words "Merry Christmas" will sound kind of hollow.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

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Buttermilk Falls is a beautiful spot! That's what I had been told, and I was always open for a great new spot to go for a Sunday afternoon drive with the kids. So we drove out to the country and set out to discover the beauty of Buttermilk Falls. I did have to stop and ask directions a couple of times; I guess a lot of people didn't know where this great spot was.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

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I've been short and I've been tall. When I interviewed some professional football players, I had to fully extend my arm in order just to get the microphone up to their mouths. I was short. And then I went to Singapore and the Philippines, and I was tall! When I was in Manila I thought I could be in the NBA; I could play professional basketball there. Yeah, I was tall there. Of course, it's all a matter of what standards you compare yourself to. With that in mind, I have some great news for you this Christmas. Man, you are rich!

Monday, December 16, 2013

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Like most Americans, I just about O.D. on the news. No matter what it's about! It could be news about elections, some economic cliff, or eruptions in the Middle East. It's all important, but it's not exactly in the "joy to the world" category.

Friday, December 13, 2013

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During the summer our family loved going to Ocean City at the Jersey Shore. Now, there's about a two and a half, three mile boardwalk there. And I'll tell you, it's interesting to just sit there and watch the people parade go by. You'll see some guys parade along with torn shirts or real mini t-shirts displaying those bulging muscles, their arms, their chest, their back. I don't do that. No, I sort of cover up as much as I can.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

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There's a spot in upstate New York where our family always loved to go for vacation. And that began years before when some friends looked at my drooping eyelids and said, "You need a vacation." I've heard those words many times. So we went off to Baker's Cabins. Now, we've stayed there at several points over the years, and then they changed the name of that place to Water's Edge. Same place, different name. Now, we went there after they changed the name to Water's Edge, and it had been called that for a while, but I could never seem to remember that name. I always called it Baker's Cabins. Even though they hadn't used that name for several years, well that was the name that was stuck in my mind. See, once you know something by a certain name, it isn't easy to make that new name stick.

Monday, December 9, 2013

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The names we use to describe people all depend on which side we're on. For example, if there are leftists who are trying to overthrow a pro-western government, we call them guerillas or revolutionaries. If pro-western guerillas are trying to overthrow a leftist government, we call them freedom fighters. If someone comes to our side, they're defectors. If they leave our side, they're deserters. You're probably either coming or going right now.

Friday, December 6, 2013

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If you've ever given a child a helium balloon, you know you had better tie it to something or you're going to have a heartbroken kid pretty soon! That crazy balloon will just float away and slowly disappear into the sky, and you will have a crying child pointing at the sky and expecting you to somehow get up there and retrieve it.

Friday, November 29, 2013

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Don't ever get behind me in a grocery store checkout line. I told a man that just the other day. You see, this time, once again, the line stopped moving as soon as I got in it. Something usually goes wrong in a line I'm in. It's just a part of my lot in life. I don't know what I've done to deserve this, but when I get in a line, all of a sudden the shift changes, or the toll booth light suddenly goes from green to red, or an argument breaks out in front of me, or people are having trouble paying, or something like that.

Monday, November 25, 2013

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Back when my sons were teenagers, they both owned a watch, but you would never know it if you looked at their wrist most of the time. Oh they owned a watch; they seldom wore it. Maybe that's typical of teenage boys. I guess kids live blissfully oblivious to time much of the time. Now some people depend on their cell phone, but you've got to pull that out and check it, and I do like to have it on my wrist. A lot of times our boys would have to ask what time it was, and most of the time they would ask a parent.

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