Alcohol, Weed & Pills – No Longer My Life | Mallorie’s Story: Freedom From Addiction | Thrive In The Mess | Hutchcraft Ministries

Lisa:
Welcome to Thrive in the Mess. I'm your host, Lisa Hutchcraft Whitmer. Welcome to Thrive in the Mess.

I am so excited to have a friend of mine. With me today. We are walking through talking about different addictions, largely through substances, and we're gonna dive into a mess that can be felt by a lot of people.

And so my friend Mallory is here. Mallorie, I am beyond excited to have you here.

Mallorie:
I am too. Thank you for having me. We moved, my dad got a job, so that was a very big transition for my whole family. Uh we have family over there too. And um so I started going to school over there my freshman year of high school and that was Rocky in its in itself.

Lisa:
Moving can be a rough transition in and of itself. Like yeah.

Mallorie:
No friends or just you know. Having to find where you fit in, find your place. Yeah. It was difficult, um, but we we made it.

Lisa:
Those are like two biggies right there, not having you know, friends and you know, and then going into a new chapter too. How d where did that kinda take you?

Mallorie:
Um, it was very lonely. Um I struggled a lot with just myself as a person and um trying to find who I was. Um But that kind of led to the party scene.

I've I've talked a lot about that with um and sharing my addiction and sobriety story. Um so I I started kinda partying a lot in high school and um probably wasn't with the best crowds. Um But I just started drinking and um experimenting with different things, um, substance abuse wise and It kinda just took off from there.

That's where I found my comfort in um my friends at the time.

Lisa:
Right, right. So take us there a little bit. You are turning to different substances and you're not the only one who does that.

Yeah. There are a lot of people who when life gets kind of rugged, that's that's a place uh you know uh what did where did that take you? Like why uh you know we go back to the things that make us feel Did it make you feel just calmer?

Did it make you feel like, okay, I have friends in this area, or, you know, that next drink or that next whatever drug or whatever? And just kinda take us there a little bit.

Lisa:
Like how did you feel?

Lisa:
And why did you keep returning?

Mallorie:
You know, to uh through that specific era of my life, I um the partying and drinking and stuff, I felt accepted. Mm-hmm. And I was like, oh like these people want to hang out with me, you know, because I I'm doing this stuff.

And before I started doing that people didn't want to hang out with me or really try to get to know me. And so once I figured out I was like, oh, you know, this little niche, like they want to hang out with me. They think I'm cool.

They like me as a person and that ended up not necessarily being the case with a lot of them. Um but It really was a a comfort thing. It made me um I was comfortable and it kinda quieted everything down in my brain.

I'm always on go mode up in in my mental. So um doing that I um I really turned to it as just a Um it turned more into a relaxing kind of state of things. Just a quiet

Lisa:
everything going on in in me. So and then it also does away with some of the loneliness because you people who are also going to be there, you know, okay when we do that. Uh tell me a little bit about did other people know this was going on? Was this like enough, like kind of low key enough to be hidden or like I it did other friends, did other did parents, did other people like you know, know what was going on or were you able to hide it or a lot of it, uh

Mallorie:
It started out pretty subtle, um, just drinking and um I was smoking marijuana a lot at the time too. Um I had gotten caught in high school. I was um I was a cheerleader in my senior year of high school, so a picture of of me smoking had gotten sent to my coach, so it was kinda out and about at that point in time. Um, so by that point a lot of parents and

Lisa:
uh other people, my parents included, knew that I was starting to do all that stuff and um Was it kinda hidden for most of high school um or until that moment or

Mallorie:
Kind of, uh my parents kind of had an idea that I was getting into that. Um but it they didn't realize how often or how much I was doing it. Right.

Um, so they were just kinda like keep trying to keep an eye on, you know, okay, she's kind of getting into this crowd and with my dad being involved in the school, he kinda knew people and knew students that I was hanging out with that were doing the same things as I was, so they had a a decent idea of the thing. Try to keep his ear to the ground. Yeah.

Lisa:
Like what's going on? Well, did they ever ask you directly even? Or and Um How would you have even responded? Those are true separate questions, you know.

Mallorie:
Um I can't really recall. Um them asking me until um I kind of got like caught doing it. Honestly my memory from that point in time is a little Little rocky.

Um, I don't have the best memory from it, but um from what I can recall they did ask questions and honestly I tried to lie a lot. Right. Right.

Um I was at that point in my life where I didn't want them knowing anything. Like almost like that teenage age where you're like, it's not your business, you know. Right.

This it's my life. Right. Let me do as I please.

But honestly now that I look back at it I'm like I'm glad they were in my business because they needed to know. Yeah. And they probably kept me from doing a lot of things that would have hurt me further on in my future.

Lisa:
So And I know uh with your parents I'm sure they were just praying because sometimes like when your loved the person you love doesn't really wanna hear anything or be asked anything. Only God can touch a heart. Like I can't touch a heart.

You can't touch a heart. You know, we can't reach in. We'd love to say, hey, could you stop doing this?

This is going down a nightmare. Stop. You know, so Yeah.

So what happened? Uh the picture gets out there, it's in all the tabloids, like but um I mean I was

Mallorie:
I was grounded for a lot of the time. Um my mom was trying to be understanding of why I was making those choices and um my dad was also trying his best to be understanding and Um they've never been put in that situation before necessarily, so they were doing what they thought was best. Um

Lisa:
And your world intersected with your dad's world because of him working at your high school. So yeah. And was there a fallout with uh the coach and the t and cheerleading? Did you were you like kicked off or did they like just give a warning or how did that play out?

Mallorie:
I did have to set out a couple of games. Um it was I think I had to sit out until like our homecoming game, so I didn't get to cheer homecoming I don't think And it's your senior year. It is my senior year.

Um, for football. So I missed a lot of that. Um but I was still able to go to games and um be supportive to my teammates and stuff like that.

Did it make you stop though? Or were you still going? I was trying to stop at that point in time.

Um That was so the picture it um I was like I had I have personally posted it so that's probably an important detail of that. Um I had posted it. No.

Lisa:
Were you maybe not sobered the moment you posted it?

Mallorie:
Um I probably wasn't, honestly

Lisa:
I was like, oh no, that might yet.

Mallorie:
That's an important piece of that. Um, but I had captioned in this picture, I was like, sad, I have to stop doing this. Um for the upcoming cheer year 'cause we we're doing drug tests, you know, you had to pass drug tests to be in school sports. So that is an important detail that I missed.

Lisa:
And that's also not like a heart thing of like, okay, I really need to change this because it's hurting me. It's just like I want to be able to still do the things I'm doing. I want to be able to pass a drug test to be able to do this for the school.

Mallorie:
Yes. Right, right. Um so I was trying to stop at that point in time.

Um, I didn't stop drinking just because like I didn't have to worry really about that showing up on a drug test as much. Right. Interesting.

I never thought of that actually. Yeah, it makes sense. Um so I I kept on doing my thing and just I'd sneak out or lie about where I was at and who I was with.

Um So that that continued. Um then afterwards I I would kinda go back and forth between smoking again and Um it helped me sleep a lot. I had really bad insomnia at that point in time.

So we were also trying to figure out I was on different kind of like sleeping medications and I didn't In conjunction with the other stuff too.

Lisa:
Did you ever feel like, okay, this is not good? Like did the word addicted ever And are you thinking I at that moment, perhap maybe not, but like what did any of that ever like maybe this isn't good for me? Um

Mallorie:
I would like to say no. Um I d didn't really think about stuff like that. Yeah. You know?

Lisa:
Um That's not the urgent and the present. The present is more I don't want to be lonely. Yeah. I got my social group. Fill a void here.

Mallorie:
Right And that's that's really mostly what it was, was just a void filler. Um Wow. I didn't like I knew This stuff is bad for you, it's not healthy for you.

Um, but I I just didn't care. Yeah. I was like, it'll be fine Everything's fine.

Everything's fine. Really drunk and hungry. Everything's fine.

It's going smoothly. It's all right. But really it wasn't. It was not okay Um but that's what I thought.

I was like everything's fine. No when you say it wasn't okay. Um mentally it wasn't okay.

Like myself I I just wasn't okay. Emotionally I wasn't okay. I was really going through it spiritually.

Um I've I've talked about um A lot about just how I stopped believing that there was like God and I became an atheist. And I was like I'm good on that. Um I felt uh I grew up a lot with uh a Christ-centered family.

So I was like, mm No, just because of the things I had endured and got through I was like, this God is not Is he really loving and caring? Like as much as people say he is, and has just let me go through all of this stuff as a kid going into my teen years, like I just didn't it was hard for me to believe, so I was just like, I'll shut all of it out and I didn't want anything to do with it and so that was that was hard.

Lisa:
Now you say it was hard. Yeah. But like you made that choice. So like how did that play out in everyday life? I know your memories are not great, but like whatever shreds of you know um

Mallorie:
It was hard with um my parents and um disappointing them? Yes, and them wanting me to still have that relationship with God. And um I think all of us at that point in time were really struggling in me figuring out life and figuring out my my way through life, my parents kind of just had to come to terms with like she's going to do her own thing and all we can do is just Be here for her, let her know she's loved and God loves her.

So and that's what they continued to do, even though I was like I don't want to hear anything about Jesus. Like literally talk to the hand. Yeah.

Great. Yeah. Yeah.

And um It created a a rough patch with with me and my parents. Um that was uh a very difficult time for us and I was just I was just really hurt and um just trying to navigate through that anger And trials that I was going through with that.

Lisa:
You know, and something when you were talking, I can't help but think of um you know, God doesn't force us to believe in him. Yeah. You having a thought about not disappointing your parents, not wanting to make them upset um that's not a compelling enough reason really to do anything either in a way.

Um and your parents' heart for you, like seeing the choices you were making and all that those are great, but honestly i it's true. We each God has let each person decide if they're going to choose to believe in him or choose to accept that he loves them um he does not force that. And I love that your parents, like I'm sure they must have been just kind of drowning in some ways and hurting.

Yeah. But when we walk w choose to walk with God, we won't drown. There's literally stuff in all the psalms about like you know, when we pass through the waters they will not you know, uh come over us and things like that.

And so I see that on your parents' side, but this is more your story too. So like did you ever feel even thinking about that, okay You remove God out of the picture. He's not gonna force you to be like Mallory choose me.

You know But he still loves us just like your parents were loving you during that. Did you ever ask for Like were you ever like, I wanna talk to someone about any of this? Or were you just still like, nope, this is just filling a void and I don't know that you would have did you say that to yourself then this is feeling what you're just doing it.

Lisa:
You're seeing that looking back.

Mallorie:
I I say that more looking back now. Um I uh I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. Right.

Um my senior year though, I was kinda I was court ordered to talk to someone. So, um I had actually gotten busted at a party that I went to and I went to jail while I was seventeen, so um How was that like? And how did that hit you?

Lisa:
That's how I wow, what was that like?

Mallorie:
Honestly, I It's like whatever.

Lisa:
You know, it's fine, but this comes with the territory maybe and I Yeah, yeah.

Mallorie:
Um I didn't really think it was that serious, honestly. Um But I I was in a lot of trouble with my parents and um my dad, uh I will share this. My dad um picked me up from the sheriff's department and took me to the football field and had me do like punishments and stuff.

Like made me run and all this stuff. I did that for a week. I woke up five AM Every morning.

That's the coach in him. Oh yes.

Lisa:
He was like, oh, this is what we're doing. I was like, oh great. I it's interesting just to hear some of the process because Little things happened along the way, but it's like not enough to change.

Mallorie:
I was like, I'll tweak this a little bit, you know. Um I had a lot of moments where I was like, uh, I'll do this a little bit differently. But um I was on juvenile probation all of my senior year. And so I I had to quit smoking.

Lisa:
Oh, okay. I just quit you you did stop smoking.

Mallorie:
Yes. Um I was getting drug tested through them and so I had to go every month.

Lisa:
to check in and uh That sounds like a fun senior year. It was great.

Mallorie:
It was so awesome. I loved it. Um I was like great this is not how I wanted my senior year to go. Right. Um

Lisa:
But but when you felt that did you also feel like you could stop? Or did you want to stop? Like no, because we you've already said spoiler alert you got in harder stuff after school. But did you ever cross your mind with that or just no, I'll weather it, I'll write it out, it stinks to do this and I stopped more for the aspect of like

Mallorie:
just to get off of the probation and I was co-ordered to see a uh alcohol and substance abuse counselor And for like the first three months I did not talk to this woman. Wow, yeah and just showed up to check the box. Yeah.

I was like, you know that I'm here to I have to be here. Um, I actually still talk to her to this day. She's still my person that I see.

Um that I check in with. So she's been a huge blessing. A blessing in disguise, really.

But yeah, she'll she'll tell you that I did not talk to her for a good three months. I was like no, I'm here to waste your time and you know, whatever and just get this over with. You signed my paperwork that I was here.

Lisa:
Wow.

Mallorie:
Um

Lisa:
How amazing that that's like. Just giving like the some time and looking back and how that person is like very key in your life. Yes. Wow. Okay.

Mallorie:
She's helped walk me through so much. Um Later on through that though, I I started to open up a little bit more and I was like, this is what I'm going through, this is what I'm battling with. And Um, she started to work with me more and uh she gave me a lot of grace when times where I shouldn't have received grace.

Lisa:
Wow.

Mallorie:
Um, but I'm thankful for it. Um

Lisa:
I love how that's a little taste of how God is with us. Yes. You know, when people, whether it's maybe a parent or a court ordered person, you know, like giving grace, like I I I can only imagine what she was thinking. Like she's showing up qualified to do her job and you're just quiet, you know, but you're you weren't in that place yet. So So some of that helped to talk, but you still like after high school, you're still getting into harder stuff and things and um

Mallorie:
Once I graduated, um I did start the the harder harder drugs and stuff. Um just kinda dabbling and uh experimenting, I guess you could say. Is any of this stuff gonna get you arrested?

Lisa:
I should probably ask like all of that.

Mallorie:
We're past all that. Um yeah, with um We're okay all that. This is great. I'm asking like it's gonna be public and it's like, yeah. Um but later on I I did um get a job and but I was still using during that point in time. Um I'd go in messed up or just high and

Lisa:
Did people pick up on that or d were you able to kind of hide it?

Mallorie:
I I probably thought you were hiding it. Yes. Um I I don't know if people caught on to it.

Um some people said that they couldn't tell and which I was trying to hide it, like I wasn't trying to be like very open about it. Right. Um I didn't want people knowing that like weren't my friends, I guess.

Right. Um so I think there was some times where I looked really rough and you were like There were points in time my face was like completely covered in acne. Um, but someone probably would have thought like It was like hormonal teenage stuff, which was that because of drug some drug things?

Really? And it it made my face break out. Um I had my face got really skinny, so my cheekbones were really you could see like my face was sunken in some.

Um my weight fluctuated a lot too. So I'd be like

Lisa:
super skinny at one point and then I'd gain all the weight back and Okay, you're getting into like harder things and uh what else is going on in your life? You're like, no God, I don't need you. How well is that playing into everything even?

Mallorie:
Um, I stopped going to church. Um I ha I pretty much just kind of shot all of that out. I didn't want anything to do with it.

And how'd that go for you? It was rough. And how so?

It I There was a lot of darkness. Um and what does that mean? I struggled a lot with um I kinda turned to I guess you could say like the witchcraft and stuff like that and kind of saying what that was about.

Um again the experimenting, yeah it sounds like. Okay. Yeah.

And I dabbled in that for a long while. Uh a couple of years actually. Um And just kinda did that.

Um I did the like the spells and stuff like that. Um, I didn't I did the tarot cards, the um I believed in the universe instead of God, and um I just started to notice later on that it was not something of light. And um Mm uh I had a friend actually at the time.

She's still my friend now, but we both were experimenting with it at the time and we had a lot of spiritual like I guess you would call them come to Jesus moments. Wow. Wow.

Lisa:
Um and But you're like, I don't want Jesus though. Yeah.

Mallorie:
But yeah. Um And we were dealing a lot with just the spiritual realm of things. And um I guess you could say uh a spiritual warfare is what it was.

And um that was hard. I had like Uh I guess what some people would call them like shadow people. I had those in my room.

I would have terrible sleep paralysis. Um of just like if it looked like demons and people were just grabbing me and holding me down and so I struggled a lot with that and just having this dark negative presence with me. And like some of my friends will tell you, like when I walked into a room, you could see it.

And so having to navigate through that and still not wanting God. Right. It I didn't know what to do.

Um I was just kinda like, it'll be fine. It'll go away at some point. And To me, that natural feeling to pray when you're going through something like that, that kept coming up, but I was like I don't want to.

Right.

Lisa:
And I fought really hard against it.

Lisa:
Um And we are made everything you're saying makes total sense because we are made I I you know, um i I I know one person described uh well, and I've heard m many people describe like a God shaped spot in our heart and it it it's a space that only God can fill. But there's other things we try to throw in there. It might be material possessions.

Again, that boyfriend, that girlfriend, the um even having children. We're trying, you know, just filling it with whatever activities or substances or any any supernatural anything. It's a supernatural, you know, and God made us that way.

And It but it's really only a spot God can fill.

Mallorie:
Mm-hmm. But I was in a very just toxic and abusive relationship and that kind of brought me to Um a place of realization of I can't do be doing this anymore. I want better for myself and I know that I'm gonna need God to do it.

And wow. That's kind of when I had that moment with God. Um I wanted to take my life at that point in time.

I was really struggling just with all the darkness I was enduring. Um and I believe that God had met me just where I was in that at that specific point in time. And I don't really know how to describe that besides like I could feel it.

Well. And it was something just different. And um I believe my mom was there too.

kind of be my protector during that time.

Lisa:
Um were you at home at that time or were you uh like in that relationship, somewhere else going through all this or um

Mallorie:
And when God kind of showed up in that moment or It was actually the night after um I had been physically abused. Um we were in the middle of packing up all my stuff and um I'm just in the floor sobbing like I'm high. I'm just went through all of this, I'm hurting physically and mentally and trying to just like gather like what just happened.

I just remembered just sitting there and I was like, I d I do not want to do this anymore. Like I I'm tired of just constantly going through stuff, going through stuff, going through stuff. And I I'm just done.

Like, I would rather just Be done with everything. And at that point in time, my mom had gone upstairs to take some stuff outside. And She came back down and I'm just sitting there still sobbing and But her coming back downstairs was that I just felt like I got wrapped in a hug

Lisa:
Wow.

Mallorie:
And just something told me that everything was going to be okay. And I know that that was a a God moment. God's like, okay, you know, let's do something about this. And from that point, um I hadn't li I've spoke with my mom about this now, but she had no idea that that's like what I was planning to do to take my life and um But her coming down there at that point in time, it kept me from doing it. And that's where I believe that she

Lisa:
Um, I'm so glad you're here and yeah. Me too, thank you. But the fact that God can show up in Someone who prayed for you, I know, I probably agonized for you.

I don't say that to make you feel badly. It just it just is um it we feel for our people. Is she represented God's love to you in a way too, you know, in that moment.

Mallorie:
But And she's she told me when I had talked to her about that and explained what was going on, she's like my feet were so heavy going up those stairs. She was like, I could not get myself to walk upstairs. She said I did, but it it took everything in me.

And she's like, I didn't know what to expect when I got back downstairs. She's like, I had a feeling. And it just how it all happened is just kind of like like mind blowing still to me.

um, just how God works in ways like that. Um and from that point on I was like, Okay, I gotta get it together. Right, right and I That week I I started to um get sober.

And um Meaning no alcohol, no drugs, no Um at that point it was um no hard drugs. No hard drugs. I stopped doing hard drugs at that point and but I was still I was still drinking occasionally and I was still smoking every day.

Um and so I was like, we're gonna start with one thing at a time.

Lisa:
Right, right. I can't do every day at once. Um

Mallorie:
To this day I still have urges or cravings for it. Um I think it's more For me it's more of a mind over matter thing. And I know it can be different for everyone that's struggling with it.

Um But it's just having to discipline myself to one, not listen to it and not give in to it. Um and a lot of people don't see that side with me. Um And I guess uh I haven't been very public with it.

I I try to just to be like, you know, this is not all sunshine and rainbows. Right, you know. Um I still struggle with it e even though I'm so many years sober past it.

Um but I did have a lot of um moments of wanting to I guess relapse and fulfill those urges. And at when I had those then I just kinda Um I fold it more with just smoking and drinking and um I eventually was able to I I did stop smoking because also at this period of time I'm on felony probation. So I was trying to get off at this point and um I had to take a drug test.

Oh. Yeah.

Lisa:
Me and drug tests. Um so that's a little compelling.

Mallorie:
Yeah Just another thing in the mess of of what I was going through. Um, I had gotten pulled over with a friend. And we had drugs in the car with us.

Oh. And so it ended up being a felony amount. And wow.

We got charged with it throughout those years I was in and out of jail too for drugs.

Lisa:
Wow. Um choices seem to be multiply like This choice leads to this choice. Like you're you're trying to not feel other things.

So like you're filling the void with uh These things, like the alcohol smoking, drugs. Yeah. But then those things lead to other things that make your life feel stinky.

So I d I and then um though maybe then you used other words, I don't know. But all you stinky, thank you. And then um And then uh but then your life is getting more complicated than where like now you a felony, this and that, you know, so And then the witchcraft part.

I is all that just kinda going on here. It was all going on at the same time. Right.

Well, and I want to come back actually to the um to that night where you've where you're like, okay, I gotta get things together.

Mallorie:
Mm-hmm.

Lisa:
And God and the hug with your mom all of that. Where else has God shown up? Like there and I don't I don't wanna rush I do wanna get to the hope that I know life is very different for you now. Which is just amazing because we've kinda gone through just some really rough stuff, you know, whether it was um, you know, hard drugs, alcohol, smoking, physical abuse in a toxic relationship and uh in darkness with witchcraft, all those kinds of things. So you get to that point, but uh where did God show up and how did you make some other choices like

Mallorie:
Okay, well witchcraft or god or you know Yeah um so I'll bring it to uh I'll speak on the um the probation thing. Um, with all of that and the charges I had during that time. Um, I was looking at prison time.

A part of me cared, but then again a part of me didn't care because I was still going through all of that hurt. Right. Um But I do believe that um God stepped in on that.

And um And how so By me not going. And I I had caught eight other felony charges during this time too.

Lisa:
So That's amazing. Like, would you be in prison now? Yes. Wow. Yes. Um so

Mallorie:
I don't really know how to describe it, I guess. Um butt god. But god.

Right. Um And just I had gotten back into praying and just being like it was one of those like if you get me out of this, you know that kind of you know it was one of those. And right.

Um God gave me That grace. Right. And I I had already been convicted of my first felony.

So getting caught with more drugs, I was like, man, you know, I I messed up. And that's kind of where I started taking things a little bit more seriously. Um, but I was still on the fence of like, but if it happens, it happens.

And if I go, I go. Um, so that was a battle within itself. Right, right and Me uh not going, um I didn't get convicted of any of those.

Um That sounds just wow. Yeah, you know what it's um I I fully believe that God had his hand on that. And that um there's really No other way to explain it besides that.

Uh life could be very different. We might not be sitting here all you know, I right wow. It just kinda clicked something for me.

I was like it was almost like a little whisper like try again. Like g get up and try again. So I was just like, okay.

Lisa:
God is the God of second chances.

Mallorie:
Yes. Yeah. And thank thankfully because I don't know where I would be without them. Wow. Um I he's given me more chances than I could ever possibly go with.

Lisa:
Um how are things uh like you grew up hearing about God, church, all that, but like Then you have um where you were like, no, don't need that. But now like tell me a little bit, I like obviously you are thriving, you know, you look beautiful. You I you know, I d uh and you have a different glow about you, you know. Um You said people saw at certain points you'd walk in and just kinda going through the darkness stuff, but you are very you're radiant and a uh you know, just in a beautiful way right now. And so How does God do that? With uh you know, when we turn to him and I think when

Mallorie:
you just finally say, All right, God, you know, I'm I'm giving everything to you and every decision I make, every thought I think, every everything that I feel I every question, I mean literally everything, and you're like, I'm here. Um That it relieves so much and it just takes this load off of you. Um You just I don't know how to explain it besides you just feel lighter and it um I recently uh just started praying.

Like praying and reading my Bible more. And I never used to read my Bible. And so at the beginning of this year I was like, you know what?

I'm gonna read it. And I had I've still struggled. I struggle every day with my walk, but um That's a part of life on earth.

Yes. Yeah, yes. Um but praying consistently and reading my Bible, no matter if it's over something specific or if it's just something that I've turned to, I feel Just so much better and the inside of me feels calm and Wow.

Um Did you feel calm during that whole stretch?

Lisa:
No. No. So that's a big rate.

Mallorie:
Yeah. Um and that's where the substance abuse came in was I mean, and still even with that, uh I was not Eat in internally like I was not calm at all. Um so I was having to substitute this for that and that for this.

Prayer and my Bible have really helped me with that. And I told my mom, I was like, you know, I was like, ever since I started reading my Bible, I've just feel so much better. I was like, I feel so much lighter.

And um she was like, you look like you're not right just holding all of this stuff. And Um, she's like, You just are brighter and I was like, Okay, you know Some like, all right, that's that's awesome. You know, like I didn't really know how to hear that.

Yes. Right. And just after so many years of With not feeling like that and hearing that from someone, it's it's such a great feeling.

Yeah. I don't um It makes me feel like I'm doing something in something in the right direction of something. Yeah.

And um

Lisa:
I just it just feels so nice. Right. I you know, I there is um There are words from the Bible that uh um I I wanted to share one thing that I that I thought of and then I do have a question for you.

Uh uh another question, but yeah. Um I I came across this, it's in Romans, and it says, as it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. A lot of times I talk about sin.

I love the definition of that middle letter I is what it's all about. And it's when we choose to live life my way, mm-hmm um, experimenting way. Whatever.

You know, I d like our choices do take us places. Yes. Um For I know that good itself does not dwell in me.

It's not hanging out of me. That is in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good.

But I cannot carry it out. Oh my goodness, I think of this so often with myself. It's like for I do not do the good I want to do But the evil I do not want to do, this I keep on doing.

Yes. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it And I it's just we can our choices go different ways, like my way or God's way. And it's amazing even to hear what you said.

I don't like to trivialize things of saying, God can make things better, but he does offer peace. That's that calm. And even when we try to fill it with other stuff.

It just he offers that peace which is amazing. Um I know you mentioned also you have some verses that you really like. Do you want to

Mallorie:
Share anything for encouragement or um well and since we're it's on this of like peace and stuff though it um Matthew eleven, uh, twenty-eight, come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.

Lisa:
Wow.

Mallorie:
And um a lot of the verses that I have are just about just giving that to God and he will bring give you that peace. Wow. And I think about that a lot and just really everyday life of if I'm stressed out about something or I'm having to figure something out, I'm like, give it to God.

You know? Like He cares about us and He he will give your brain and that and your body just that calmness of like it's okay, you know, I got it. I'm just like Lord, you know.

This is how I'm feeling right now and you know I need your help with this and I need or I ask that, you know, you give me some strength to figure this out and help navigate me through what I'm feeling and what I'm going through. And does he? Yes.

Lisa:
Wow. Wow. Um it's kinda teaching us to go like a different way.

I I uh like are uh how are we gonna respond to something and then you know, okay. I'm gonna go this direction with it or that direction with it. And Yeah.

Wow. Well, I lo I love the hope in the words you shared even from the Bible. And what would you tell someone who's where Mallory was Several years ago.

Mallorie:
Take every day one step at a time. And if you are questioning or weary. Take take the chance on praying.

And even if you don't agree with it or don't believe in it, just take the chance and just say that prayer. And even if you don't know how to pray, just it's okay to talk to God like you're talking to a friend. And um It's okay.

You're gonna you everything will be okay at the end of the day. Um give yourself some grace.

Lisa:
Wow. What would you tell someone who is having a loved one walk through this? Um

Mallorie:
Don't give up on them. Wow. Um, this is probably going to make me cry. It's okay. Um

Lisa:
I have one napkin here. I really should have tissues. And it's okay. This is real, you know. So um

Mallorie:
keep showing up for them um even though they may put you through the ringer for it. Um or w take them through, you know their own struggle and it's going to be exhausting at times, whether that's emotionally or mentally. Um but stick with them and let them know how much they are loved and that they can overcome things and do hard things.

Um That is something that I'm so grateful for. Uh just the support that my parents and people around me still gave me. Mm, they didn't give up on me.

Lisa:
Wow.

Mallorie:
And I I put a lot of people through through the ringer with my actions and choices that I made. And a lot of them probably should have walked away from me. And they didn't.

Lisa:
So Did you ever feel like God walked away from you?

Mallorie:
Um Yes, I did. Um just going through some of the things I I experienced a lot of um deaths with friends, close friends, um, all of them involving suicide. Well mm.

Yeah. Um so I was like, man. They were all a year apart.

Oh wow. So um heavy. That's where a lot of the drug abuse as well started.

Mm. Heavy. Um but I was like, man, this is like why would you put me through that?

And I felt like I was just kind of left there to kind of fend for myself. So that created a lot of anger and just why? Um But the the further I got into it and um coming out of it, I knew that In looking back on things that I had been through and experiences.

Um God showed me that he was there in every aspect and was still walking by me, even though I gave him the hand and was like I'm good. And just things that, you know, there are probably situations where I shouldn't be here, you know? And But looking back now you just you just know it was a God thing that he brought me out of that.

Lisa:
Wow. I I love where um the Bible talks about there's a friend who sticks closer than a brother. And I think I circle back around to where you felt lonely.

That led to some of this. We've touched on loss. with the loss of some of your friends who chose to take their life and I am sorry for all that loss too for you and um you almost were with them because that night you were wanting to take your life.

And I'm so thankful that God reached down and intervened and you did not do that literally while your mom was even upstairs. Yeah. You know, at that moment.

And the heaviness your mom felt in that moment. But Um, I'm really so incredibly thankful for the you know, the friend who sticks closer than a brother and um that being God and the relationship we can have by choosing to have a relationship with God through his son Jesus. And just how freeing that can be.

There there's so much about freedom even in the Bible. And Mallory, I can't help but think of my great grandfather while you've been talking. He um drank and literally was a young man, a a boy, would go to the little store in his town.

and the older man got a kick out of putting alcohol like in a saucer on the floor and he would just lap it up as a puppy. Had r a really good job, prestigious job, but lost it time and time again uh in in different locations with um uh his drinking. He did cocaine.

I didn't even know that was a thing. Like in his time and all almost um uh took the life of his sister one night and then he was headed to take his life one night and drown himself in Lake Michigan in Chicago and walked by a um a place where he heard a song he had a praying mom and he heard a song his mom sang to him as a little boy And that night there was someone who talked with him. He was he was um not sober at the time and had to take his life.

But Um, he chose to begin a relationship with Jesus Christ that night and never went back and to any of that and literally I listen to your story and I'm like, all it takes is one person to say no longer. Just like that night, you know, when you got to that and you're like And you felt like God, you know, is saying try again and you know, and just um he gives us second chances no matter our choices and the Bible also talks about like the years the locusts have eaten. You know, and locusts like you think of a bug eating something just like you know, yeah, can you know but But uh but that's something only God can do.

And so I just see that so much in like even your mom saying you're faces just bright and I feel like you look radiant and um I think I've seen maybe a picture, maybe you shared something at one point of like a photo from the past of, you know, some of that at one point. And so, um, I just am so thankful for where you're at and you're choosing you know, turning to God in this and that he made himself so real to you through all this. And um I just see that in my own family, like your great granddaughter might say that someday about you, the way I'm saying about my great grandfather of wow.

Lisa:
Yeah.

Lisa:
Thank you God for not letting him take his life that night.

Lisa:
Yeah.

Lisa:
And um and just the addiction he walked through and Any final thoughts from you on you know I saw this on a picture actually, but I I just loved it.

Mallorie:
Pray about it as much as you think about it.

Lisa:
Oh.

Mallorie:
Um, and wish that has pushed me in my own prayer life. Um like if it's constantly on your mind, that's probably God like, hey Pray about this. Wow.

And um so that's that's something that I've all I've also started to do. But if you find yourself just stuck or in a Just questioning something, no matter what it is, just take a second and pray about it and God will answer. And some sometimes it's not exactly how we want it to be answered, but He will answer us.

And um I love that. Um, that was something that I just really fell in love with. Um So take everything one day at a time.

Lisa:
One step at a time. Right. Right.

And even those triggers and whatever even now and and the urges and things. Mallory, you It said there's a quote that has really impacted you. Do you mind sharing that?

Yeah.

Mallorie:
Um so I heard this and it just kinda Just kind of kicked me in my chest a little bit, uh, in a good way, but um it it says, uh Satan knows your name but calls you by your sin. God knows your sin but calls you by your name. And that just It it just did something to me, honestly.

Um we uh Satan knows that you know, we are children of God. We belong to Him and He's going to do anything he can. to either bring you down or confuse you or distract you.

And those those little names the like, hey addiction, like stuff like that or um, you know Anything in the in anything that you can possibly think of. Um, he is going to whisper though that stuff in your ear. And But God is going to address you as my child, Mallory, or my child, Lisa.

And You're going to know that that the whatever is being said to you, whatever you're feeling you're gonna know that that's coming from God and um that just it really it stuck with me and it kinda shifted my mindset. Um

Lisa:
with that. Wow. That's pretty powerful.

I am just so thankful. I d thank you for even sharing your story. We went real deep into that and I'm so thankful for the hope.

Do you feel like you have hope Yes. And did you feel y like you had hoped before?

Mallorie:
Uh no. Mm. Not really. I was just kinda Living every day like it was my last. So I didn't care really.

Lisa:
Yeah. Well, do you care now? Do you feel it?

Yes. And and even about like your life. Uh you know, not caring.

It's not just you know, that that does affect us like that not caring. It's our it's you and your life and like every choice leads somewhere, but Yeah.

Mallorie:
I I care and I I have things for my life that I want to see happen and work on and I have goals set for myself and um I have a lot of people in my life that want to see me reach all of this and I've been very supportive um through all of it and that even that pushes me even more. Wow. Um But I used to not have anything like that. Um, like no goals or ambitions and yeah, now I do and so I'm I'm excited.

Lisa:
When you have hope and calm, that makes a big difference. And wow. Oh, well, thank you so much again for sharing, just kind of walking through this and If you are walking through some of this yourself and I just encourage you, just even as Mallory said, to just say that prayer even if you don't know how to talk to God because God loves us so much.

He's made us and loves us no matter what, even when we say talk to the hand like you did And we can turn to him at any time and choose to have a relationship with him. Literally, I love that about the hug that you felt like he gave you at that moment and And it's one day at a time with him and all we have to do is turn to him, look to him, and say, God, I'm done living life my way. And I want to live your way and turn to him and just hang on to him like a drowning person Uh you know, grabs your rescuer, yes.

Mallorie:
Uh you saying that reminded me of of the saying that um if If you feel like you're are like barely holding on, make sure it's it's the hem of his garment. Wow and I don't remember the specific quote, but it was along those lines like just make sure like if you feel like you're hanging on by a thread, make sure it's the thread of his garment. And to me that kicked me in my chest 'cause I was like, All right, you know, thank you. Um Dad's not gonna let us drown. Yeah. So you just

Lisa:
All you have to do is reach out. Wow. I encourage you to reach out, like Mallory was even just saying, God's always extending his hand to us and loves us and I encourage you to do that and thank you again to Mallory for sharing her story and I hope you'll join us next time on Thrive in the Mess.