A Mother’s Worst Nightmare: Allison’s Story - Losing Your Adult Child

Lisa:
Welcome to Thrive in the Mess. I'm your host, Lisa Hutchcraft Whitmer. This week we are again diving into how life is not perfect.

It is messy. And there are some tough times no matter how we hope our life will be or how life will look. And I have a friend of mine, Alison, who actually has known me a long time.

She taught me how to swim.

Lisa:
Which I'm very sorry for. I don't know that that went well all the time. You learned. I learned

Lisa:
And yes, I'm sure that was a little uh uh uh uh uh not always the easiest to teach my brothers and me how to swim. But we'll keep this focused on me, not them. I'm not sure how they were I think like my parents even tried like putting the money on the bottom of the pool, things like that to try to get us to put our head in and I some of us didn't always like putting our face in. Your brothers didn't want to get their faces wet.

Allison:
They there was no putting their head in the water. You went off the diving board. The part of the mess of my life, I'll just jump on it.

It just jumped right in. And you had to take care of it. I don't think you cared about a penny being on the bottom.

Lisa:
That's awesome. Wow. Well, and we have just so appreciated your family.

I remember being there for swimming lessons and different things and uh so growing up in New Jersey and you were in New Jersey and you still are so but uh Allison, today we're talking about uh something that we never want to have to walk through, and that's the loss of a child. And in this case the loss of an adult child. But I know you have said even talking about your story brings healing to you and we hope it'll bring encouragement and healing to someone else too.

And I just I want to kind of rewind Your uh oldest son Brandon was one of our ring bearers. And he was adorable adorable. And didn't you make the little outfit?

It was the tube little Yes. Oh my goodness And he came down, I remember he was so excited on the video. You can see his his little hand come up.

He was ready to give that. He wasn't time, but he didn't care.

Allison:
And we didn't either like someone off the diving board before you know how to swim. It just it's as old as children.

Lisa:
I don't know what it is. Wow, but that is so true. He was ready and he was doing his job and that was the beginning of kind of a life. Uh well, I don't know how hard of a job it was to be the ring bearer, but he worked really hard and tell us a little bit about Brandon.

Allison:
So he was um he was a hard worker. He but he was always a helper. He always helped.

I remember going to Jordan's first birthday party And so Brandon Mustang yeah. Must have been like seven or eight years old. S maybe.

I don't I'm not quite sure Um, but I remember he got there and you were still setting up and he was like, Can I help? Can I help? And he just kept, you know, doing whatever you gave him and your dad came up to me and goes, Boy Brandon really likes to be a little helper, doesn't he?

And you know, it it it was so true. Forever he always wanted to be the helper. when, you know, all is going through his life, no matter how busy he was, if somebody called and needed help, he dropped whatever he was doing.

to help his friends. Yeah, they used to have random acts of kindness. Oh yeah.

Subs that they gave out in high school. He always he got an award for getting the most. Yeah, I think his name is on a plaque in school.

Wow. For just being, you know, that type of person, but yeah.

Lisa:
Can you imagine if the world had more Brandons to make a difference like that? And tell us a little bit about him. Um there came a night where it was um uh there was an accident Then I yeah. Um so um and these are hard things. These are not how we want life to go. And um and you don't have to get it, you can get however, you know

Allison:
I I don't mind sharing the story. Um I'm just trying to figure out where to start. I'll uh I'll set you up a little bit.

So um my daughter had just moved to Belgium, so she had moved out. Um and my older son was home. He had been in the Marine Corps, but now he he was home and settled.

And um we were we were expecting uh to get our um bedroom furniture delivered. Um and so we were refinishing the floor in the bedroom. So uh while we were doing that, we were staying at my uh my husband had a little place, we were staying there, but this one night it was Uh May 31st, it was the end of the month.

I work in the car business and the end of the month is is very busy. Were really late hours I had been working. Um every day.

I didn't I didn't take a day off and I was working till closing every day. So I was exhausted but I wanted to get one more coat of uh finish on the floor. So I said, you know what, I'm gonna stay here because it's already late.

Uh, you know, by the time I got home and made dinner and everything, I said, It's already late. I wanna get another coat down Um, I'm just gonna stay in the spare room. We have a little spare room, very little, fits a bed.

Um, and so he he went and stayed um at the other place. So um I finished it was after midnight and uh I went to sleep and I was exhausted but uh you know I just um pretty much went back to sleep and uh I I woke up to this strange noise and I couldn't figure out what it was. I wasn't sure if it was my dream or if it was something real.

Right. So I tried to think in my mind, well what could it be? And so you go for the big ticket items.

Was it the furnace? No. Was it the hot water heater? No, I don't think so.

And then I thought, you know what? I think a cat must have knocked something off the table and I just heard it drop. So I thought, uh, I really don't think so, but I need to get some sleep.

So I tried to get myself to relax. As soon as I relaxed, I heard the noise again and I was like, okay, it wasn't a dream. And I peeked out the window and it was three o'clock in the morning.

I peeked out the window and um I saw two cars in front of my house. And they were parked side by side. And so, um, their engines were running and their lights were off.

So I thought that was really strange. So then it goes through my head, you know. That's a little unnerving, right?

It is. Because you think you hear you know, you watch too much TV, movie stories and sometimes they travel in twos. They could have been parked opposite direction 'cause they go in different ways and they're harder to all my mind was going.

So I thought, well, all right, they were knocking on the door. So I figured I'll answer the door, but I'm Calling 911, Killeth. Right.

About to answer my door. And um, you know, I stood up and I was really tired, it was a little wobbly And so I kinda leaned against the door as I'm trying to swipe my phone to turn on. And um as I went down my stairs and I turned on the landing, I saw it was the police at the door.

I thought, oh So then I thought, you know what? Either somebody hit my car because I had parked in the front of the house rather than the driveway. Or maybe my maybe we left one of the cats out.

Maybe somebody hit the cat and I thought you know, who would knock on the door to kill the cat.

Lisa:
But uh But you know, in the middle of the night we're trying to rule out all the paths to say.

Allison:
And my husband tells me I always look th through life through rose colored glasses and I always think of things like, oh they just hit my car. So and that's how he answered the door. I'm like, hey guys, what's going on?

Yeah. And uh so they introduced themselves and they said can we come in? I'm like, sure.

Open the door and I had them come in. I said, so what's up? And he said they said something.

I don't remember what they said. I don't even remember their names. Um, because all I heard was Brandon Last Vogel.

And I knew it was not good. I just I remember I took two steps back and I held on to the banister and I just yelled, Travis, it's Brandon and it's not good. And he usually can't hear me and he like I heard him jump out of bed and I said, What happened?

What's the matter? I said, It tell me what happened. They're like, Well, let's wait for him to come downstairs.

I said, it's gotta be bad, 'cause if it was something not bad, you would be talking, but i if you're not saying anything, something bad happened. So they told me that um he was coming down the highway and um and he hit a deer on Route 80 on his Harley. So um I said, well I have to go see him.

And I went to get my shoes. And uh they said, No, no, no. They said, you know, the police, you know, they're they're com they're investigating, but um, you know, it's not a good time to come. We're gonna wait and when the doctor calls you, then um Then, you know, he you can talk to him.

I said and I was just like, Okay, whatever, whatever. And um So they left. You know, they made sure I was okay.

Did I want anybody, did I want them to call anybody. And after they left, I I said, I I gotta go for a walk. And I didn't realize it was the adrenaline in me that I needed to release because I took off and Travis was like walking by he didn't want to leave me out of his sight.

And so he was walking behind me. And um He's another caring person. Super serving and military.

Very much so. And he was trying to keep up. I had called um my husband and left a message and he had called, you know, made a couple of calls and um so I just started walking up and down the streets And as I was walking up and down the streets, this song kept playing over and over again in my head.

And it's a song that I never remembered hearing before. It wasn't one that I typically would sing. Um and and um but it kept playing and It said, You are uh you are um you are my joy, you are my song, you are the well, the one I'm drawing from.

Surely my God is the strength of my soul. And I kept singing that over and over and over again. And so um then, you know, daylight started coming.

Um and um I got a text from a fr you know, a couple of people started reaching out. Turns out that the real reason they didn't want me going there is because after he hit the deer, a vehicle came down the road in that same lane. And Never stopped.

Lisa:
Right.

Allison:
Um, I had to call the dentist to get dental records. Uh uh, it was it was bad and that's why um they didn't want me going there

Lisa:
It was w very bad. Uh you needed that walk and that song before you got the rest of the news in a way. I it seems like, wow. My goodness

Allison:
Actually in the weeks to come that song kept playing in my head. Every time I would turn on the radio, it was the song that was playing There's one time I dropped my daughter off at a friend's house because she had to fly back. And I dropped her off to visit with a friend. And um I pulled away, I started singing the song, I turned on the radio, it was playing the same spot where I was singing it. Oh my god.

Lisa:
You heard only God. Those two words for like only God. Yeah.

Over and over. Wow. And to see his hand in that with that song.

Oh, do you know the title of the song? You sung it a little bit. If not, that's okay.

I can't think of it.

Lisa:
Uh it's okay.

Lisa:
You know, because I asked uh Your Love Defends Me or something? Oh okay.

Allison:
And then shortly after that I never I've never heard that's all I I don't hear it anymore.

Lisa:
Oh my goodness. Wow. And just the timing when we need that.

Right. Wow. Oh my goodness.

There was a song after my mom passed away that um was hard to listen to, but then it became a go to and it was Peace Be Still by uh Hope Darst. I wasn't familiar with that at all and that Peace Be Still when you know, our soul and our heart is just kind of crashing and the waves and the wind and you're just like, grief is terrible and and tragic grief is is another hit and when our son is a young adult and thriving and hadn't he just kind of moved into a He had just purchased a home.

Allison:
Um less than two months, just about two months prior. He was actually he worked for the operators union. Um, he was on his way to work because they They load up trucks and get, you know, cranes and he worked for a crane company.

They have to get the cranes set up so when they start at seven in the morning everything's set for them. Right. Right.

That's why it was the middle of the night and he was riding his Harley on the way to work from Blairstown to uh Rockaway. And it happened on Route. Yeah.

Lisa:
Yeah. Okay. So all the all that hits and walking through grief is like so many different parts of There's so many strands to it.

You know, people say there's there can be anger and denial and uh just and then people turn to different things to deal with grief. Just Can you walk us through a little the grief? You heard that song?

Like that was amazing. What a gift that that was after that and I think of um one of my favorite verses in the Bible that I found not long well, I'm sure I read it at some point before, but I read it after my mom passed away. Psalm 63, 8.

It's one of my favorite verses to send to people where it talks about my soul clings to you, to God. Your right hand upholds me. And I'm like, okay.

So I love verbs in the Bible. So that verb of my soul clings to you. I pictured like a child hanging on to their mom or dad.

And I'm like, okay, well when we choose to have a relationship with God, he's our heavenly dad, heavenly father. So I'm like, okay, if I choose to cling to him, my soul clings to you, then the next part, your right hand upholds me. He holds us up.

And I was even like, only the right hand? I'm like, whoa, God is God, you know, and but he does hold us up every step of the way. When we choose to look to him, we have to choose that relationship with him and you do have a relationship with Jesus that um I don't know if you want to talk about that when that began.

I know that's been a long time. Oh, that was back with your dad.

Allison:
Oh long time ago. Youth for Christ Um down in one of the summer retreats is Wow. Yeah.

Lisa:
Wow. And that's been an anchor in your life. So fast forward to now you've lost your son, but Brandon had a relationship with Jesus too.

And so there's always that reunion I had someday, you know, the hope of heaven. I love that. But what are some other things just that as a mom that you walked through, just things, um, emotions or or different things after all that happened?

I can't even imagine all the uh

Allison:
You know, you live through every parent's worst nightmare. But then I had this great fear that he would be forgotten. Wow.

And I thought, you know, he was always there for everybody. And uh I I was not gonna let him be forgotten. Well powerful.

I was not gonna let it but I had to figure out how do I keep him alive. You know, I had to keep that spirit. He had such a great spirit Spirit and heart and compassion.

Oh my goodness, his smile was just yes. Yeah. And and I just wanted to keep that here.

You know, they it took Brandon, but don't take that spirit of his away. So so that was that was my biggest struggle was how to not let 'em be forgotten.

Lisa:
How do I keep pushing? him out there. Yeah. So what did you do? What are there's gotta be more to this story.

Allison:
I didn't know what to do. So, you know, I wanted to do something in his memory. Yeah.

And you know, you just try and think, I I I'm not creative and thinking of something, but so I tried to think of what Brandon liked 'cause I wanted it something to have meaning. Yeah. And I wanted something that would have, you know, serve a purpose.

I just didn't want to Anything. And it took three years. Three years.

But it it was starting to get um get me a little upset. I was getting a little depressed that I hadn't thought of anything and I knew he was starting to fade, you know. It's people are not talking so much and so I I I started to really push myself to think of something and um I was with um I was working this one day.

I I worked the elections, so I was at the polls, and there was this other uh gentleman that was working and I heard them talking and we spoke about uh something about um our kids and I said, well my my son would have been um thirty-two and he said oh you lost your son too And I thought, ooh. And you don't really want to start that conversation there because you don't know what's where it's gonna Yeah, where it's gonna go. And it you know, a lot of people are coming.

in and out. So I just let it think you're crying over with it.

Lisa:
Right. Your job and the elections. They're not working the laws are

Allison:
Yeah. So uh I went home and I googled him and I actually remembered uh when his son was mugged, he was gone to school. in South Jersey.

I'm not sure if it's whatever Rowan used to be, or one of those South Jersey uh schools. And he was going to he was picking up snacks at a convenience store. And he was mugged and um so he lost him there.

And it turned out that um I heard people saying, Oh, I donated to the food drive. Oh I you know so they were doing a donation for his son.

Lisa:
S uh for a food drive. So How special that like he was going to get like snacks that night and then okay. Well So I thought, you know what?

Allison:
Brandon's favorite holiday was Thanksgiving. So, you know, a food drive would kind of kind of work. So I thought, well Let me see how needed it really is.

So many people do food drives. Good point, right. So I called somebody from the Good Shepherd Mission and I said, you know, I was thinking of doing a food drive.

How are you guys doing with food? You know, is there really a need for it? And he said, well, you know, we get a lot from food drives, um, and we do get some from stores from um, you know, just before things are gonna explain buyer they'll they'll give it to him.

He said he said, but when we get extra, we have a table set outside. So we put it out there because the whole community is in need. So he said that um you know, they'll put stuff on the table and so people can come and they'll know that it's open to them to help themselves.

So I said, Okay, that's great and then of the fun I thought, No, that's not it. You know, you know, I need something special. And that just wasn't it.

So I let that go. And that was in the beginning of November, election day. So it had to be like in the first week of November.

So Then this one day, so I have a typical routine can I get put a napkin, I eat it with tissue.

Lisa:
And I have mine too, I've been used yet. And if you need chocolate or a cookie that helps too. So um

Allison:
Uh I have my daily routine and um I come down. I'm an early, early morning person. I love the early morning.

It's so quiet and peaceful, and I just love that. And I go and I make a cup of coffee and I sit in at my dining room table and I have great windows and I'm across from a reservoir and I have all these bird feeders and, you know, these pretty dogwood trees. So, um but this November day, um, I didn't go to m I didn't make coffee and I didn't sit in my dining room.

That's typically where I sit and I have my quiet time and This Saturday I woke up and not even thinking I walked through the kitchen without stopping for coffee. I went into my den and I sat on the couch Which was strange. And so I sat there and I was kind of groggy because it was, you know, I just got out of bed and uh I didn't have my coffee.

And the way my den is set up, I don't know who designed it. He shouldn't be allowed to do decorating. But the windows are s they're n see how these are nice and you can look and see out the window?

Yeah. My window sills start here. So when I look I see a wall I can look up and see the sky, but I can't see any berms and the reservoirs.

No reservoir. Oh no. And so I just kind of like sat there in La La Land. Yeah.

And I was sitting there. It was quiet. And all of a sudden I heard.

Sucks. I heard it. It was audible.

And it came from there and I looked and there was nothing there and nobody was up. It was God. Well.

And I thought, socks? Brandon asked for socks every Christmas.

Lisa:
Oh my goodness. I don't know. I I must have read that somewhere in the brochure or something, but oh my goodness.

Allison:
Wow.

Lisa:
Whoa.

Allison:
And they're on a most wanted list in Homeless Shelter Really you know what? Wow. Wow.

I was like, that's it. So I hosted on Facebook. And I said, hey, I'm just thinking of collecting socks in memory of Brandon.

Um, I said, I'm gonna do just two shelters, Good Shepherd Mission. And um uh and the Market Street mission in uh Morristown. Okay.

I figured if nobody does anything I can buy these guys socks. Right. So Um so I posted that.

Just you gotta jump jump in somewhere and start, right? I figured this will give me an idea as you know what kind of feedback I get. That way next year I could really do something.

Lisa:
And you know, I have to say, just jumping in for a second, the when we pray about something, God does answer it like you knew, no, the food drive isn't quite quite like you went down that road a little bit, but it wasn't seem right. And then like literally you're sitting there and a little out of your routine, but It's like you knew and that was a fit.

Allison:
He yeah.

Lisa:
Wow. Oh I just love that.

Allison:
He needed me to be still and quiet and just listen. Wow. And it's hard to struggle with in our work still.

Right. Yeah. Our phones are a d right, right.

So I posted on Facebook. I said I'm gonna be collecting for the next four weeks. That way I can deliver them for Christmas.

And I called it, I think I said Christmas stockings, I called them, or something like that.

Lisa:
Yeah.

Allison:
Something silly. And so um I let it go. And so then I got a text message or a message Facebook uh message from Mary Ann.

Oh. And she said, Hey, um, do you have Venmo or PayPal? Oh I said well I have PayPal but I only know how to spend money.

I don't know how to get money. So she said, Well, you know, if you give me your address Maybe I'll order 'em online and have 'em shipped to you. I said, Oh, that's a really good idea.

So I gave her my address and I thought, you know, how bad is it to post my address on Facebook So I figured, well, let me Google myself. So I Googled my name and the first thing that popped up was my address. I said, well, the creepers are gonna find me.

So I just went in and I said, hey, if anybody wants to order online, you can ship them right to my house. Oh here's my address. Right.

That was on Saturday. And I was doing this for four weeks. So on Monday.

Lisa:
And this is still November before Thanksgiving and going into Christmas. Right.

Allison:
Okay. So so that was November 13th. So on Monday, uh November 15th, there were socks That came from Mary Ann.

On Tuesday I had socks uh delivered from a friend from the chapel um from Virginia. From your church, yeah, yeah. And then on Wednesday uh somebody that I used to work with years prior.

Uh he had them delivered to my house. On Thursday I came home. I left a bucket on my front porch if anybody wants to that was the initial thing to drop them on my porch My bucket was overflowing was over two hundred pairs of socks.

So uh when Brandon worked at the tree company, two um two of the tree guys got together and just bought socks. Oh so every day that week I got socks. Even on Sunday I had them dropped off at my house.

Um after two weeks I went to a Bible study at my pastor's house and I said, you know, how many socks do you guys need And uh he looked at me and I said, I have like a thousand pairs of stuff. And two weeks to go.

Lisa:
And two weeks to go.

Allison:
He said, You need more shelters. You need more shelters. That's awesome.

So at the end of four weeks I had four thousand pairs of socks. We were we started in the beginning. Thousand pairs a week.

Lisa:
Yes, I got a thousand. Yeah See, I know a little of the story, but I don't know all the story. Like that I d so this is oh my goodness.

Allison:
Yeah, so I started coming in. Like we set up our Christmas tree and we like put 'em under the tree, you know, the little socks we hung on, the tree whenever Travis said, Yeah, well, you know, when we decorate the tree, I'm like there's no decorating this tree this year. I couldn't even I have a a really old house and it hasn't rent a nice four-year and that's where we put our tree and it opens I like big uh archway um to the living room.

So you sit in the living room, you see the tree. Because it's a tiny house, so it wouldn't fit in the living room anyway. So It was all socks.

It was literally it was all socks. I think I have a a picture on our special Christmas. But yeah, it was all socks.

I was like overwhelmed. I didn't at that point I didn't know where to start.

Lisa:
And he wasn't forgotten. He wasn't all forgotten. No. But that was how many years ago now?

Allison:
That was uh in twenty twenty one.

Lisa:
Okay, so we're talking uh um like four years ago.

Allison:
That was three and a half well yeah, that was like three and a half years ago. Almost four years ago. So Socks Devil stopped coming. They never stopped coming. So I delivered those socks and and so his his his accident was June 1st. And his birthday is July twenty ninth.

Lisa:
Was this the first year or first Christmas after he died? No. That you did no, you said three years. It was three years after that. Okay, got it. Okay. So um

Allison:
So that June 1st we spent the day. So now every June 1st and every July 29th, we deliver socks. Because it just keeps our minds busy.

On on good things. So uh but that July uh twenty-ninth is when we became a 501c3 That's what I'm saying. Oh my goodness.

And okay, July uh June 1st was his birthday? June 1st was the accident.

Lisa:
Accident. July July 20th was his birthday. And that's the day the 501 C2.

Allison:
Yeah. So And then every year you just deliver on on those two days. So then I guess the next year it's so that was of twenty two. Of twenty three we hit um fifty thousand pairs of socks And then in twenty twenty four we delivered our one hundred thousandth pair of things.

Lisa:
Oh one hundred thousand Yeah

Allison:
Isn't that an old post on Facebook?

Lisa:
You know what? And here's the thing. I love how people have joined in.

You went into this not wanting him forgotten. And especially his caring heart, his helping heart. And look how many people.

I I d a hundred thousand pairs of socks. I don't even know how many people that represents, but I yeah, there's probably not a way to know that and you think of how many people have been moved to he's not forgotten, his caring heart isn't forgotten, and it's making the difference. Yes.

To this day. Yes. Oh my goodness.

That is what I was looking for. And you know, only God could put that on your heart, that desire about that 'Cause there are other ways we can choose to deal with grief and to walk through and, you know, that are not as healthy and that's such a way to make a difference. A beautiful difference.

And so how many shelters do you really send to now? Is it like a dozen, half a dozen? Oh, or are there more than that?

Allison:
Or we um well we've hit every um County in New Jersey.

Lisa:
I still am giggling about the Union Warshelters.

Allison:
That's so good. And we sent Uh about two thousand when the war first broke out in the Ukraine. Oh wow.

We sent twenty thousand to North Carolina with this last hurricane. Wow. Um Yeah.

Lisa:
So they're going all Well need you to Oh my goodness.

Allison:
And we've even received from all over the world So we've gotten them all over the country. All over the country has has delivered. But also the Netherlands, Qatar, England, Ireland, yeah, Australia. I think we got something from Australia.

Lisa:
And tell us a little bit, okay, someone someone finds you and wants to donate, what do they see like in you know, do you share the story? I know this a little bit, but just like Do they do you share their story or are you able to share it when they're delivered somewhere? Some of his story or in uh in memory of his life and his heart and I do um So are you talking about I d d the people who receive like when you take these to a shelter or send them to Ukraine, that sort of thing.

Allison:
Do they are they hearing a little bit about so I do have um brochures that we send out that go in and it tells Brandon's story.

Lisa:
Yeah.

Allison:
Um I also have the booklets and little cards that you had sent.

Lisa:
Um, you know, right. That talk about you wanted people to receive socks, but also have a chance to know how to begin a relationship with God through his son Jesus. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. In hopeless situations too.

Right. You've shown up. Wow.

Allison:
So um so we send that out along with everything.

Lisa:
And you still I know today even uh d th this week you have um another pickup at a school. So tell me about that. Like when a school does that, are there classes all going in on bringing socks or out is so there's a lot of it turns out fifth graders are amazing.

Allison:
Because it turns out it's always like fifth graders. So actually the first year that um So it was November of 21. In January of 22, uh somebody reached out to me from a um elementary school in in uh Pompton Plains in New Jersey and Uh she was the school uh they have uh school ambassadors and they go out and they just, you know, do some sort of different little outreach things.

And so they wanted to do a sock drive. So they did a stopdrive that first uh January, February they did it. So I was like, how did you how did you learn about us?

It turns out that the school nurse has a daughter and her daughter was so Brandon was friends with like large groups of friends. They always, it was like large big bonfires, you know, whole groups of friends. And her daughter was friends in this group.

And so one time she was going to school, you know, for hair and make but she was talking about how she puts the the mannequin head on the table to cut it, but the height is wrong Brina just went and made her a pedestal to uh put the head on so it would be a better height for her to cut and the mother and her mother never forgot that.

Lisa:
Well so um So that was years ago and now they're doing a sock drive because they've done they just did I think their fourth.

Allison:
Think this was their fourth or their fifth? Sock drive. So that was twenty two, twenty three, twenty four, two.

Lisa:
One kind of him and other people are wow. Well, another question. Are uh are there any other things like I love how you are making a difference by Brandon is still making a difference because of you and your efforts and the socks and making a difference in people's lives.

Are there other things that have been a help to you after losing your son? Like I anything um anything else you would tell someone else, do this. It's you know, I always think of no matter what grief, it's real easy to say Okay, I'm gonna curl up in bed.

I can't get out. I'm I I can't see the world. I can't deal with things.

It's it's hard to walk through and that has a place. But I know someone even after my mom said, you know, lean in but don't stay there. You can't stay just sobbing out all the time.

Um But are um are there any other things that helped you walk through that? Um, like I said earlier, um talking about it helps.

Allison:
And you know, you you need to whether you go to a group or you have somebody just talk. Or if you know somebody that lost a loved one. You know, a l the hardest part is somebody loses a loved one. People are like, I don't know what to say.

Lisa:
Right, right.

Allison:
Just it's scary. It is scary. It's just and and you know what?

Sometimes you don't have to say anything. Just give them a hug and let them talk. Because that is the best the best healing is to just let it out.

You know? And, you know, share memories and um and just talk about it. Just let their spirit live on.

Lisa:
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That's really good because I know I our family enjoys talking about our mom, you know, and I know you love talking about Brandon and we our loved one we loved our person, right, you know, and you don't want them to be forgot. I love how you shared some of that. I know also, um, how has God been a part of your walk through this after Brandon?

Allison:
Oh my goodness. So you know, that song, Surely My God is the strength of my soul. Philippians 4 13, you know, I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

And he has pick me up and carry me through. You know, just every step, you know, I I uh so after the accident I I could not go back to church where Brennan went. Mm because he was so involved.

He was so involved. They said it took several people to replace him. He did everything.

I had to plan Sunday dinners around their four services because Brandon had to go back after church to take out the garbage from the cafe because it would be overflowing. So he always Oh wow. That's a healthy church when garbage is overflowing So so they said he did more under the radar that nobody even knew about than what people saw him doing.

Wow. So you know, I would go there to try and I would just cry. Like I I I just sat on it.

So God put me in this little church in Parsippone that I absolutely love. They have so helped me heal. Wow.

Um, they have, you know, i the this the Holy Spirit is just in that church and through working through the people there. And, you know, different things that, you know, they've had discipleship, you know teaching and things like that on writing your story. And writing my story at that point that was even pre-sox.

And um just writing the story really helped. And that I love that. Your pre-socks like it keeps you busy, yeah.

Right. Oh my it's like having a second job. Yeah.

I can't I'm counting down till I can retire because I'm just Then you can just do something. Right. Right.

Because there's so much more. I can make it grow so much more if I had time.

Lisa:
Yeah. And for business you have no time Yeah. So and look how far it's gone even with active.

Well, and I like that even that it's okay to make choices that I you you might feel like, is this the best choice or not? But even not like going to a different church. That's okay.

It's okay to make choices of doing this, not doing that, and not going certain places or whatever, because of you know, those are okay. There are reasons and just walking through grief and to sometimes those are needed. I know going to church, I had a hard time sitting in the chur the worship service for a long time, the service.

And I it was May when my mom passed away, but I would wear a scarf just if I didn't have tissues. I'm like, oh no, I need, you know, something for my eyes and whatever. And And but I would say our church had a l a a little space off to the side where you could be like if you had a child who maybe was um you know talking or something and um and I just sat in there because I could and my husband was like Do you want me to stay with I'm like, please go be with our children.

That really helped me and that just took a while. I d because I would just cry like during the songs and you know, because there's when you're singing hit the soul. Yes, they do.

That's really uh well said because You're talking, you're singing about God and I'm like, okay, my mom's in heaven now. And that it just I would just sit there and I didn't want to make other people feel uncomfortable in the surface. I would I didn't try to hide my tears like from my other children.

They know it was challenging. um to walk through that because each of us was walking through grief like a grandma or our mom or you know, mother-in-law and stuff. Um But, you know, I'm thankful for different things like that, like a space in my church where I could just be and just sit and meet my scarf, you know And it was great, you know, and I love that you made that choice because some people just say, forget it, I'm not gonna ruin anything.

And Um, wow, anything else you'd like to share the just to a mom, you know, it's something none of us ever want to have, an officer at the door. But God even strengthens us in that moment. And oh my goodness, I still I I just get chills thinking about the song, you being compelled to walk and that song in your mind um at that moment, right after that.

But anything else that Just love your babies.

Allison:
They're always your babies. The last time I saw him was that Tuesday because he wasn't living home anymore, but he had um wanted he was looking for a truck for a friend. And poor friend always helping.

Well well there is a twist to this truck. Oh no. So I show him this truck and he's like, I like that for myself. So he said, I was like, well, why don't you come down and take a look at it?

So he came down to the dealership and he uh he took a look at it and um And so, um, you know, he he was on his bike and when he was done, I gave him a kiss and I said, Love you, baby and um he took off and he called me then on Thursday. And um I we were talking and I said, Well, why don't you just come back? And he he wanted to put new brakes on his truck.

And before he traded it in. I said, you know what? You're it's not gonna really do anything with the trade in value of your truck.

So you know this stuff. I know I know, Brandon. It's not gonna help.

There's nothing's gonna help. So so he said, No, I actually already have the brakes So I might as well just put them on. I said, all right, then come back, come in on Tu next Tuesday and you know, we'll do the deal.

And so uh actually he when he called me, I was walking into that store And um I had coffee, I had my laptop and I had my purse and I had a cup of coffee and my phone was ringing and it was him and so I thought, you know what, even if I pick up the phone now, I'm gonna walk down this hallway and then you lose um signal signal there. So I thought, let me just get to the desk and then I'll call him up. So I call him up.

I I played his voicemail first. And he goes How do you expect to sell cars when you don't pick up the phone when a customer is calling? That is priceless.

Lisa:
That is branded. That is branded. It's hilarious.

I love that. You know what he sounds a little like his mom. That's awesome.

Allison:
So uh but yeah, I that's why I talked to him and I always ended my calls, love you baby. Wow.

Lisa:
Wow. Uh love you too, mom Allison, this is I I really hope your story. I know it's uh it's um hard to walk through, but I love that you say it brings healing and Just thank you for walking through this with us and just I really pray and hope that your story gives someone encouragement today.

hopefully we'll never walk through that, but someone who might and a child of any age. And um and I love that theme, never forgotten and the helping heart he had that God really gave him from the time he was younger and um wonderful parents who fueled that and encouraged that and he was touching lives, you know, the rest of his life and continues to. So I love that and the hope that God's given you along the way.

So thank you so much, thank you. Oh I appreciate it. Oh well longtime friend and just thrilled to have you here.

So Thank you for for um walking with us through this today. I really hope it might encourage you in some way. And I hope you can join us next time with Thrive in the Mess.