“My Mom Was A Pr*stitute” - Chelsea’s Journey to Freedom Through Identity

My identity is not who I am. Like I'm I'm not when I get to heaven, I'm not gonna be Lat Latina and native. I'm gonna be a child of God. Whoa. And so That was like a a really hard pill to swallow is stripping away those labels and realizing those labels really do not matter at the end of the day

Welcome to Thrive in the Mess. I'm your host Lisa Hutchcraft Whitmer. So hey friend, welcome to Thrive in the Mess.

I'm glad you're here and I really am thrilled to have a friend of mine, Chelsea, with me today. And Chelsea, welcome to Thrive in the Mess! Thank you.

And I know there are a lot of messes. Like you have such joy now, but there are a lot of messes. You didn't always have that joy.

You didn't Look like this. Yes. And have tease.

You know, so I what are some of the messes that you wanna Help share with us today and I don't know if you want to start little childhood, teenage years or I think it just all flows together.

Right. Because it's just like It's like how you had said earlier, just shapes who you are as a person. Right.

Um obviously for me it started off very young and very tragic. Um Yeah, so my mom was a prostitute. Um she didn't raise either of my siblings.

There's seven of seven of us and Where are you in the seven? I am the last? So like not the last, like second to last.

Second to last. Almost. It's still like younger end.

So the old there's like a ten year gap between me and the oldest. Okay Um, so I was raised with my gr by my grandmother and my two older brothers and the one that's nine years, um older than me, sexually abused me as a child.

Wow.

And so um that was As I got older, that's when I I realized what was happening, like what happened to me as a kid. Um, I always felt so shameful. And isn't that how it usually works? As um SA victims, you know, the shame gets put on you and not the actual person that did the hurting.

And you had no choice. That was due to no fault of your own. And you know, actions, other people's actions affect us, especially the as a child. How old are you around this point here?

So I think it might have happened early on because I have no memory of it. I just remember it being it's like one day I woke up and it was just normal what was happening to me. Wow.

Oh wow. So I'm thankful that I don't have any memory of that of initially first happening. Yeah, I just remember um my brother just always being mean to me.

Um Just specifically just outing me all the time. Like he would hit me, punch me, you know, doing all this stuff. Um I guess 'cause I knew obviously there was a secret that I had and if I exposed it, I'm gonna expose him.

Yeah.

I was relieved. I think it was like probably five or six when he was walked away. So then it stopped. Yeah, it stopped. And it's kind of like I could breathe, could finally have like a normal childhood I guess in a sense what I thought was normal.

As normal as possible at that point, right. So okay, how often did you see your mom then if your grandmother's raising you and she's a prostitute. Did you have any connection with her at all?

Um, actually no. I didn't even call her my mom.

I always thought she was my

older sister.

Really?

And um like my grandmother never tried to uh shy that away. Like she didn't put that thought in my head. It was something I created within myself. Yeah, I would just see her like occasionally whenever she needed help with money I guess from my grandmother or whenever she missed us Which wasn't very often.

Oh wow. Yeah. So how does that affect you and how you view yourself?

But then again, you didn't necessarily view her as your mom. Yeah. So it wasn't rejection from your mom necessarily.

It was just an older sister who would come around. But did it make you feel any certain way or

Well, I always had the long I always wondered who my mother was. And um my brother, he always just told me my oldest brother that was ten year his name is Benny he would tell me the straight truth. If I asked a question, he would sugarcoat it.

Oh, that's nice.

And so like he kept telling me uh that's that's our mom. Um she's stuck in her own ways. From early on I knew too much as a kid. And um but yeah my brother's the one that told me. But I always felt

how loving of him to be honest. Yeah. You know, not to hide it or sugarcoat it and or make up some story. you know, yes you knew probably more than you wanted to know, you know, for being a five year old. But how I that's very loving to give honest answers also.

And so like that's I do appreciate that. Like I've told him Ike uh recently like I'm thankful for how because I always thought him like a father figure even though he's like ten years older than me.

Yeah.

Um But he he sounds like a safe He was my safe. He was my safe place. Wow.

And I'm so thankful for him. And I wish I had the courage to tell him what was happening between me and my other brother. none of that would have been tolerated.

I just wish I never I just wish I didn't have that guilt and that shame.

But you don't know as a child. Yeah. You know, that's that's one of the biggest things with you know, sexual abuse, sexual assault that there's just that you're trapped and you don't feel like you can tell anyone.

Yeah.

And sometimes there are even threats made to some people. Yeah. So I you know, you had it that's really hard to process as a child. So yeah, but I I understand what you're saying of boy, I wish I could tell it because so many people say Tell someone, get it out there, but as a child you don't know.

And especially if you don't know that it was wrong.

Yes it's that too.

And so to me I just thought like I said before, like I thought that was normal. Right. Um but I never put two to two together like, well my other brother doesn't treat me this way.

Right. So I don't know if it was just like a coping mechanism. Yeah.

But I just I just knew I just wanted a mom, obviously. I always wanted a mom and dad. Right.

But I was never um blessed with that. Like I don't want to say not blessed, but the people in my life that were my parents chose not to be my parents. Right.

And so um I always felt like a part of me was missing. Um, that I was missing out and growing up as well, um I grew up in a very uh heavily um immigr like all of my neighbors were all immigrants from Mexico. And so they always all had their parents and for whatever reason as a child I associated like Oh, immigrants have their parents, but native kids don't.

Right. Because you're Native American. Do you want to share your tribe, your nation? Oh yeah.

I am Mississippi Choctaw. Um, so yeah, that's uh who my my grand my grandmother's full-blooded uh Choctaw from Mississippi. Um, which I also have a I used to have a deep hatred for both my Lat Latino side and uh native side because Really?

Okay, walk us through some of that. Why and how do you deal with that?

'Cause I was never Mexican enough 'cause I didn't know my language. My grandmother was um full-blooded native, so she didn't know the language. And so I could never fit in that kids would talk about me in Spanish, make fun of me, you know, just all those things. Right. And I couldn't

Like I'm like you but Yeah. Are you making fun of me? Like it's like you're like them but you're not right.

And then the same with uh my tribe, um 'Cause you uh I'm not f federally recognized because I'm only a quarter.

So like my tribe And that depends tribe to tribe. Like if you can register Right, half or quir yeah.

And so like I couldn't register my grandma kept fighting and fighting until the day she had passed away For me to for all of us to be enrolled, but it just never happened. Yeah. Um, but it was just like I'm not native enough, I'm not Mexican enough.

I all of my friends, they all have their parents in their life or they at least have like their mom. Um there was only one girl I was able to connect with growing up and that's because she was her mom was a single parent. And she understood like it's like she saw me and understood me.

and um never judged me. Out of all the other parents, she was the only one that didn't judge me.

Can you imagine if more people were like that? Yeah. Of you see, what did you say she saw me She didn't judge me.

Yeah. And what a beautiful thing for us to just s be that person. Yeah.

Who sees. There's there are words in the Bible I love where God is the God who sees.

Yes.

And He does and he loves uh he sees everything and knows everything. But there's one story where he like this this single mom and is cast out into the desert with her child. And God sees.

Yeah. And he reaches out to her in that moment. And so I love that he does that.

And but as people, it would be so amazing if you took time to stop and See, because there are people hurting everywhere. Yeah. Children, young people, adults of all ages.

So, wow, well, I'm grateful you had someone who Yeah. So okay, you're you're not enough native, you're not enough Latino So who are you? And how do you wrestle with who am I?

And you know, I'm not good enough for them and not good enough for them and Who are you good enough for?

Or was that just kind of a struggle of like that's that was who am I or my entire life. Really that was like the internal one of the internal battles that I have dealt with. Like my inten I don't belong.

Mm. And that's a horrible feeling. Yeah. Yeah.

And I feel like so many of us feel like we don't belong. Right. And especially when you don't you don't come from a nuclear family, you don't have two parents. Um I always like to think about like the the videos I have seen on Facebook where um everyone lines up on a line, take a few steps or run. And you can see who has the better advantages and who don't.

Are you talking about okay, the video that I've seen, are you talking about like the dad where they ask the questions Oh yeah, those two, yeah. Okay. Like I've seen like a mom was asking her three sons uh no, two sons and a daughter, I think, and a dad like Um, okay, step forward if you have been um tucked in by your dad at night. You know, and the kids step forward and the like the or if you've had a family dinner, you step forward and the dad is like left Not a Is that what you're talking about or another kind of video?

Um a different kind of video, just like uh but I did l I did see that one and it made me cry. And it's just like it's oh you know, always so emotional.

So many, yeah. Yeah.

But it was just like Um all these kids were at a camp lined up and uh take a few steps forward if you come from a a two-parent home and they're like They're almost to the finish line, they look back and they see which kids are still way behind because Did that ever happen to you or you saw a video? I saw a video.

That would be such a hard thing to be like one of the people left back.

Yeah.

Like you already don't feel that way. You feel out of place to begin with, you know. Wow. Well, and just to give a little glimmer of hope here Your life is very different now.

Yes.

With hope and you're an amazing mom of four children. Like I've three. You guys have four.

I'm just like, wow. I know I had a friend say once you have three, you're outnumbered. It's just all over at that point.

So you might as well go for four.

That's what a lot of people say.

So route number two, there we go. So there it and that's an amazing thing. You are in a f family where you are a very different mom, very different, you know, but we'll get to that.

There's a little little teaser. Spoiler alert. There is hope for you.

So I d okay, some other things. So when did you um did you ever talk with your mom then like have a conversation with her knowing she was your mom. Like your brother said, Okay, that's actually our mom when she came around but did you have any kind of connection with her?

Um, not really. Like when she would come over, I would uh talk to her, greet her, you know, just like how little kids are when they see an adult. My mom did.

try to leave that lifestyle. She did give her her life to Christ. Wow.

And um it was about six to eight months where she was uh living sober. Um you can she's we started building that relationship during that time. Wow.

So I did get to spend time with her eventually. Yeah. Um I did call her mom one day.

Um Well I just remember like the word mom coming out of my mouth just felt so awkward and forced Even though no one forced me, but it was just like it was a real struggle to get it out. Yeah. But just seeing her face light up was like the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Like wow. It was just Just beautiful. Yeah.

And I'm so glad that I got to witness that.

Yeah. Um that was very loving of you because I'm sure someone could be listening and be like I can't say mom. Yeah.

She wasn't my mom. And she was not your mom. No. You know, she gave birth to you, but what a loving moment for you to say that even if it was awkward.

And so you know, it also shows me sometimes when we say something it might feel awkward. it still really might impact someone's life in a positive way. Yeah.

Like look at the how it touched your mom's life and she had obviously made some not great choices, not the most healthy choices, but everyone has their own broken and their own messes they walk through, you know. So okay, so You said mom and she loved that. Yeah.

Yeah.

So then um, you know, we're just uh we were at the grocery store when I did that, I was just handing her stuff like here you go, mom, and just like that face like her face like that smile.

An everyday moment.

Yeah. And then she just like had this huge smile. We went back home.

And the one thing she always sang was, Hit the road, Jack. So we would have seen that every time we like there were times where I did go with her places. But it wasn't very often.

Yeah. But it was always the same song, Hit the Road, Jack. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so we're just singing that and then sh we get to my grandma's house and she's like, Can you believe what uh Chelsea said she said mom and she was just like so happy and so thrilled when um And so I'm very thankful for that one last moment that I had with her. Um so my mom did have a pimp and Because she left, you know, it's not always easy leaving that lifestyle. And um I did have one more inter in encounter with her.

Sorry, I'm just letting get choked up.

No, here, that's where we have napkins, tissues, whatever we want. Well and chocolate.

Yeah.

I know. My um my mom had came over one day and you know she was just hanging out with my grandmother and I'm playing with my friends. come in and say hi.

Are you how old are you?

I was about eight or nine.

Okay, you're still little then. Okay. And so um so you said that mom when you were like eight or nine.

Yeah eight or nine. And um, you know, I just took off, you know, I'm outside playing with my friends, she's leaving, she's like, is there anything I can give you? I was like, Do you have a dollar? And so she did give me a dollar and she's like, well here's my last dollar.

And that's what mom's doing.

Yeah, I know. We give her a last dollar. And so um I wish I had better I wish I would have sat there with my grandmother.

But you don't know, you know, because in that moment Is she asked you? There's a couple of things there that I'm hearing that 'cause I've not heard I've only known parts of your story. Yeah.

But the whole thing that she even asked, is there anything I can give you? Yeah. Because you'd had years where she had announced that.

Yeah.

And that's beautiful. Like you could see some of the life change that she turned to God and it wasn't about her anymore. And she was trying to have her relationship and saying that and the fact that you said, Could I have a dollar? She probably was thrilled to give you that dollar.

Yeah.

You know? I because she hadn't done that over the years. So I feel like there's a lot of beauty in that really hard moment.

It's hard because I we're not at the end of that that part of that story. But I just think those are two really beautiful things on her end and your end. Yeah.

You know? Yeah. And I'm glad she had a dollar.

Yeah. You know? And we think of it.

'Cause she would ask for that and she was like You know, right. Yeah. And but we always believe me, even like after my mom passed away, um there's so many would've, could have's, should've's that we feel like we should have done.

Yeah. And I'm like But I didn't do this. She would want to go to dinner after my son's graduation.

And I'm like, he had other plans and and it's like and the next day she was gone suddenly, you know. So So anyway, okay, keep going. And um so yeah, so Thank you for being willing to share this.

Nope. I don't have an issue. It's just you know, I don't talk about it very often.

Um probably two weeks later after that her fiance came looking for her and we were like we don't we haven't seen her and I just remember rolling my eyes thinking to myself she went back She went back to that lifestyle. Because uh there have been times where she did go missing and she was back doing what she was doing. Okay.

Um But we didn't know what had happened. I came home after school one day shortly after that and Everybody was home. My mom my grandmother was crying and my brother said someone had killed our mom.

And um Obviously there was never a full investigation of Willy what happened to her um in the newspapers. Uh They just said that they found a woman on the side of the road.

It was her. Oh wow. You're eight or nine years old walking through that.

So How I like that's an immense loss because you've you got her back. Yeah for a little while and I'm so thankful that she had a taste of a different life than she had had. And, you know, in some ways it's like She changed her life and she lost her life because she changed her life.

Yeah. You know, but how amazing she was able to have a relationship with you for like

Yeah.

You know, but walk us through some of like the loss, how was that handled or you got a lot of children and your grandma and she's grieving and but also not talking about feelings and so how did that

uh so after my mom had died we did have a family friend um i'll just give like a little backstory of that um They have actually been trying to adopt me since I was a baby leaving the hospital. And so they just always been around, um, kinda in the background of My new life. Yeah, if my grandmother needed help, they were the ones that she called. Uh yeah. And um so they decided that it was best to take me in.

At that point.

At that after that. Okay. Um so I did go stay with them for a short while, but I was just missing my grandmother so much. I eventually went back.

And especially at that time like just losing your mom, I'm sure.

And so um I didn't I just remember I just cried one day. And that was it. Um, I don't think I ever really handled it or ever grieved my gr my mom.

Yeah.

Um, 'cause once I returned back, um I just kinda went on the deep end. I started h like eight or nine, hanging out with kids I shouldn't have been hanging out with. Already knew like what they were doing, what they were known for.

We were um going to the stores, stealing and we did eventually get caught. Um they told us or my friends told me to be quiet, don't say anything. And um they start talking about involving CPS if we didn't start speaking up.

Right, right. It's all like, okay, you know what? I'm gonna Seeing like a canary.

I do not want to be away from my grandma. Like forget this. It's not worth it.

Come clean and mine. Those balloons were not worth it. It literally was balloons that we stole.

Oh my goodness, that's awesome. I'm already struggling with trying to figure out who I am when grief hits. And now I'm trying to figure out who I am with this.

Right. And I'm pr I'm probably lashing out and not realizing it's grief that I'm lashing out from. I eventually just stopped hanging out with them.

I'm like I decided, thankfully I wasn't hard headed in that area that I chose to like just break ties with them even though I didn't really have a choice. But I did also didn't have that desire to hang out with them afterwards either. Fast forward a few years later, uh that's where my adoptive family comes back into the picture.

I would spend the summers with them after um my mother had passed away. And I kept telling um I call her my mom now. Um but I kept telling her, Yeah, I think it'd be so much better if I lived with you and not my grandma 'cause Y'all have little kids and I just need a mom and a dad.

Wow And it's interesting you felt that.

Yeah. Fun fact When I was little, I didn't believe in Santa Claus. So little kids with Santa Claus that are watching, don't listen.

I was never taught about Santa Claus, but I knew the power of prayer. And probably like around four years old I remember praying and asking God for a family underneath the tree. Oh and goodness there's My family underneath the tree at twelve years old.

Oh my goodness. So don't give up in praying. Did you pray that like that Whole time.

Yeah.

Oh my god.

I had uh yeah, I've had always prayed that for a mom and a dad. I just I'm like if a kidnapper comes in the house, let it be a good mom Why?

But when you think those things it makes total sense when you think of a child just like but th I want a mom and dad. Yeah. I it's a desire of our hearts to Wow. Okay. So you have your family, you're twelve years old and you have a little more security and safety and um it was obviously a transition because uh

all of their kids were younger than me. We're always like joking, picking at each other. And to this day, if you were to tell them I'm adopted, like they would like attack you. Like, no, that's our blood sister. So yeah, they had to probably it was a transition for them too.

So all these responses are just normal. You know, to Walk through that. I also want to say that you are very good with beef work and the I wore my earrings that you made to be able to wear today.

These are the ones you need, right? I'm like these are the ones in my Chelsea earrings because I I love to buy different earrings from friends and then um be able to wear them. They're a good prayer reminder for people in my life.

So anyway, totally random. Another fun fact.

Fun fact. These are mine too.

You meet those too.

Yes, I do. I make dangly ones too. These are like the first pair I made. They're the dangley.

Oh, you do great work. So I don't know how you find time doing that with four children running around but I haven't. But I have a pair, you have a pair. There you go.

So okay, jumping back, so Uh, you're in another family, you're uh you know, they're loyal to this day, you have a family and all. Um, so how are things progressing? Like teenage years, things can get totally thrown in the air because of all the things just that being a teenager brings.

So so um obviously I'm transitioning in puberty. So like you said, I am tra going through it. Going through it.

And already dealing with the trauma from my childhood is still carrying on. Um, trying to find where do I belong in this family. Like that internal battle is still churring, the enemy's still playing an ear, you're the oldest.

You're the adopted one, they're gonna mistreat you differently. Lots of lies. Right.

And then also two, like obviously now that I'm older, I get what was going on they're dealing they're having to raise a teenager how they're trying to navigate where do like this new family dynamic.

Right.

And so um I don't come with a handbook. No child does, but yeah, no. And so, um, yeah, so like now looking back, I see the whole bigger picture.

Yeah.

But at the time, you know Are we always we're selfish beings?

Yeah.

Like our whole entire focus is me, me, me. I I I I feel this way. And so um I'm just looking at from my point of view.

I'm not looking it at everyone else's. Yeah. And so, um, at thirteen I did go to church camp, um, youth camp, and I fully decided to give my life to Christ. And um what does that mean?

You had heard so what about Jesus? So I've always known about I grew up in the church. Um very something's very legalistic and you know, it can't do this or that and um did that push you away at all, the legalistic part?

The legalistic part I just felt like there was too many rules. Um, but I always had a fear of God. So I think that was another thing that kind of kept me on track as well, uh grounded in a sense.

Not fully, but somewhat. Yeah. Is knowing that okay, if I were to die today, I know right from wrong, I'm going to hell because I don't have God in my heart and I'm not trying to live for God at all.

Right, right. Um but it was always I always had that playing in the back of my mind as well. Like is this worth going down is this worth going to hell for?

In a sense. That's how I always viewed it. And so um You kind of wanted to live Chelsea Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I don't want to stray too far.

Okay, so where are we at in the straying and the teenagering and so yeah, so um so at 13 I gave my life to Christ

Still trying to figure out what does that relationship even really look like.

Right, right. What did you like about Jesus? What draw you to drew you to Jesus.

That he can take my pain away. Mm. And so like that was like the message that was always that was like heavily being taught at the youth camp is we're all going through something.

We all had like We all have the mess. Yeah. We're all hurt people.

Right, right. And I just was so sick and tired of feeling this hurt.

Yeah.

Feeling all of this. Um And even after that, shortly after, I want to say maybe a few months after c youth camp, that's when I confessed what happened between me and my brother.

That's when I wondered, did you ever have freedom to share that.

And I believe it was because of my encounter with Christ. Like that's what gave me the courage. And I can even tell you like exactly what happened.

I was having an attitude at dinner time. They're like, what's going on with you? Because I'm like, I don't want to celebrate Father's Day.

My dad's literally sitting where you are. Right. And he's like You sound dumb right now for saying that because I'm pretty sure I hurt his feelings really bad by saying like I'm slapping him in the face by saying that because I just repeated someone else what someone else had said.

Right. And um I was like, yeah, I'm gonna be like so and so and not celebrate Father's Day because I don't have a dad. Um and I got mad about what he said and then I got up, I took off, went to my room, starting off to my room.

And then my mom came in a few minutes later and I just blurted it out

Wow.

And I didn't even realize that was just hiding in there. Wow. And it was just like I couldn't contain it. It's not like something I was thinking about every day. But as soon as she walked in, it just came out and I'm like, I can't believe I actually said that.

Wow.

And it felt so freeing. Wow. Like it felt I love that for you. It was like this weight had lifted off of me.

Something you never should have had to carry, right?

From that point on my mindset had changed started to change Wow. And I c I can't even describe it. It was just like how so?

Like so like I was very shy, very temp like, you know very uh self-conscious about myself. I didn't feel confident in what I did. Um I always second guessed myself.

Um but it was like I felt like I could take on the new the world now. Like I felt like nothing was able to stop me. Like if I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do it and you're not gonna stop me.

I'm gonna find a way. And I've never had that mindset. So it was weird.

Oh goodness. I I actually read something this morning. Wait, I think I've really um wrote it down of like um it's in Psalm 54 of um surely God is my help the Lord is the one who sustains me and I think of that like When uh when you um when you said that I felt like I could take on the world.

Like it's not us. It's like God gives us that strength, like, you know what? He's our help.

He sustains us. He holds us up. And you've got this.

Yeah. You know, like you really can say you've got this girl because you've got you've got God now giving you that strength and the freedom of exposing the stuff that was done to you that you had no choice over. Oh my goodness.

Wow. Yeah. Oh what an amazing I yeah.

Uh any other ways like You saw your mindset change.

Um, just the way I carried myself. I was okay. Like I was okay to walk through doors and not worry about people seeing me. I didn't care no longer if people saw me.

Wow. And so like man.

I feel like people who feel like that understand what I'm saying. Like I'm pretty sure you understand what I'm saying, but like we all see someone who's like

the way they walk, the way they carry themselves and I I I get what you're saying of it's not an all that walk, but but you're confident you know who you are all of a sudden. Okay, how Uh did you know who you were also like the I'm not Latino enough, not native enough, who am I?

Did that have any resolution with I it started to fade Um, I still was dealing with it kind of in a sense, but it was no longer there. It was no longer like in my like right here at the front of my brain. I I just felt liberating in a sense.

And um obviously dealing with your teenage years. Yeah. I did eventually tell my grandmother what happened.

Um that must have broken her heart, I would think in some ways.

She didn't believe me until so I told I can't remember.

That's hard too.

Yeah.

When you're not believed.

And so um They were telling me, oh, they're just because my mom is white, my dad is native. And so they're like, oh, it's the white people putting lies in your m you know, making you lie, feeding you lies.

I'm like, no Oh, by the way, did they believe you when you told your mom your adoptive

Yeah, she believed she hugged me, she embraced me, she's like, Oh, I'm so thankful for that. She's like, I wish I would have known.

And um Well remember your grandma also uh you had said you don't talk about yeah things. So that was probably a blow to her in a way of, ooh, that that's a big thing to hear when you don't want to have things like that talked about and out in the open. Yeah.

So and not that that makes it right. Yeah. You know, because that's one of the most painful things for an essay.

survivor to not be believed. Yeah. And not be support.

Okay, so how did that play out for you then? Um

So I kinda cut ties with my grandmother after that. Um, I'd only see her if I had to. Um, she never forced me to come visit her for holidays or anything. Um my uncles he believed my uncle believed me and my oldest brother believed me.

Wow. So he was your safe space still. Still your oldest brother through all this. Wow.

And um It was still hard for my obviously for my grandmother. Um, but fast to fast forward that there is hope with my grandmother. When I turned 18, she gave me a call.

It was just so random. Sh um we the first thing that came out of her mouth was, Is it true that Alex raped you? And I'm like, Yes.

She's like, I believe you. And I'm sorry I didn't believe you all this time Wow. And so there was I did make amends with her eventually, um, but that took years to get there.

Wow. And so but that that's just kind of a kind resolution in a way, just because your grandma had been very significant in your life. So ooh so Okay, so was there some other healing?

What are other things like changes? Like you had the before Jesus and you know, not that hope, not that peace, whatever else you're referring to, the freedom. Yeah.

And we all want that freedom. And then uh what are some other things after that you just saw in your life. And I'm sure you had other hits along the way from things too.

So um I actually got plugged in with my children's church afterwards. Um So I would help volunteer uh big one of the children's church volunteers. I was like fourteen. Um I don't know if you remember Bible Man.

I remember I do remember hearing about yes.

So did you just Bible Ma I was Bible Girl. Bible girl. So I would present the uh bike bible verse and I made my own cape and everything and I would jump out and just say the scripture verses. So like fourteen year old Chelsea just doing her thing.

But yeah, I had to do that with your kids now and jump out in a cape and spible verse.

No, right? I should bring her back out every time. Um but yeah, I just was like I had a heart for cr like I started um giving my time, sharing um not really sharing my story, but like Doing what I felt like I was supposed to be doing in a sense. Um, like this is what God called me to do. Just get plugged in.

Yeah.

Um, obviously I pr As I got older, more things started happening, doing things I probably shouldn't have been wasn't the best example as a leader. So I stepped away. Um so that way I can get more grounded in Christ.

Um and so it seems like you kind of knew some of those choices weren't like the best choices.

So um so like probably as I got older, like sixteen, seventeen, my mom and dad started having marital issues. I remember asking God, like, why would you give me a family for it to rip apart? And God had nothing to do with that. But you know, we're so st selfish beings. He can handle those questions though.

He really can, those hard questions like God, why this? But he lets us choose too. Every single person on earth can choose our actions and you know, can choose to follow him, to not follow him, you know, too. So okay, so you're going on your family rips apart.

I went off the deep end. Um I have You want to talk about the deep end? Yeah, I don't mind.

Um I feel like boy aren't you nosy. No, it's a word it's messy. It's uh deep ends are messy and life is messy, but there's still a whole lot of hope. in the middle of all of it.

Um, I started chasing my identity in boys at the time. Um started partying and drinking. At one point I had decided to leave my home because I had m at the time I had a boy over that I was with and he was caught in the house.

So instead of just taking the door off of my off the hinges, I decided to leave. They're like you only have two options, take the door off or you can leave and I decided to leave. And um at the time like my parents had semi-reconciled and so um I just wanted to do my own thing.

I felt sheltered at the time. Um, I just felt like there was like I just couldn't do a lot of things, so I wanted that freedom. And I was probably just dealing with other trauma that I didn't realize I was dealing with.

That hadn't been dealt with.

Yeah, definitely. And um started partying and drinking and smoking and sleeping around and I this thought had came in my head, you're gonna end up just like your biological mom and I said, Absolutely not. Um, my mom uh was a prayer or is a prayer warrior and she's like, I'm gonna be like Jesus.

I'm gonna fast for forty days and on the fortieth day you're coming home. And I just laughed in her face and said, Good luck. Good luck.

And um people had told her, you know, you raised her for 18 years, you did your job, don't even try. And my mom's like, no, that's my daughter. I'm gonna fight for her.

She's gonna fight. Wow.

And um I'm glad she didn't give up on me because obviously on the fortieth day I did come back. And Oh my goodness. Did you know it was the fortieth day or no?

No, d you just like

Let that fly out. Yeah. And then um it ended up being the fortieth day of her fast, and I had decided to come home.

Um wow. And the power of a praying parent is a huge thing in this I'm hearing of you know, no matter how far gone someone may be off that deep end you know, keep throwing that rope out there, you can keep praying and oh my goodness, that's powerful.

Yeah. I and then I rededicated myself. I was like, you know what And I haven't looked back.

Um I what do you mean by that rededicating?

So um I felt like my time away, I chose to walk away from God, so I decided to come back.

Wow.

Because you know G God doesn't we can't remove ourselves from God, right? But we can choose to walk away because we have that free will. Right.

So I decided to come back and live my life according to God's word and serving him. Well and I think my biggest fear was serving And dedicating my life to Christ and dedicating my life to others for Christ. And I don't know why that was such a huge fear.

It's it's interesting because you have such a caring heart. Like for your children, your family, your husband, and others.

Yeah.

So uh it's interesting that was a fear then because Again, it goes back to that verse I read this morning of like God sustains us. Yes. We can't do it, but He gives us that, you know.

Oomph. Yeah, I know. It's it it's the monster drink.

I don't drink drink Yeah. It's like seriously he's the one who can he can just put that in there of you know what you're fearful And did you ever have a moment where you're like, Okay, God, this is yours or d was it just kind of a walking along with him and

It was more of just like walking and just waiting. Um I eventually did get married. I got married to TJ.

Did you think you'd ever get married?

I always had the desire. Yeah. But I never thought it would happen for me.

Um obviously it did happen. Um so TJ and I, you know, we got married. Shortly after we joined on Eagles Wings and my first year on the team.

A Native American group of young people.

Yep. And which is funny 'cause when I was like sixteen my dad said he's praying for his kids to serve their people. Oh and I said Yeah, that'll never happen for me.

I love how you told your parents, good luck You can pray but good luck. And no, that'll never happen. Oh my there's a lot of Hi, I am such a gem.

Good luck with that. You know what? But the thing is there There's stuff like in our past where we just kind of respond that way too.

But there's also a place for that God changes the way we speak sometimes. Yeah. Because then he is the one who ends up being the one who um We can say something and he still uses our outspokenness or the way we talk.

So I love that that God can change that in us. So Okay, so you got married. You didn't think you'd ever get married.

Yeah. And then um started serving on the team with all on the Eagles wings and I remember praying Like just praying the simple prayer, God break my heart for what breaks yours. And I just saw That's a big prayer.

It is. Yeah. Because you're not you gotta be careful what you pray for too because God will give you what you pray for And if you're not careful, y you're like, why why did I ask for this?

Yeah. Um but I just remember s like my heart just started softening towards natives, like towards native ministry. Wow.

And just for my people and I'm just like, but these are the people that rejected me, like in that state you know that's where that's still that internal battle is still going on. Like, but they rejected me

Have you ever been able to find some peace with that?

Or I I have because I'm like, well my identity is not who I am. Like I'm I'm not when I get to heaven, I'm not gonna be la Latina and native. I'm gonna be a child of God.

Whoa.

And so that was like a h a really hard pill to swallow is stripping away those labels and realizing those labels really do not matter at the end of the day.

Wow. Wow. So that's giving you freedom because now you and your husband do serve and work among native people yeah and in an inner city in a urban setting which can be very challenging.

And so I you don't want to go into that with like well, I feel wronged by yes. You know, the the people who you know, so that that's really powerful about identity and who we are and knowing that God made us and you know, you're his precious daughter. Yeah, I just think that's beautiful.

Wow. Well I want to um also chat about just the um so you had But you have four children but you also had a rough time after some postpartum stuff. Can you touch on some of that?

Um, so I didn't realize that I was dealing with postpartum after my second child

I think a lot just to touch on this, I think a lot of women walk through that yeah and don't realize that and feel very alone. Because a lot of times you are alone, like you're at home and caring for a newborn and so yes.

I got into a bad car accident. And I had found out shortly after just because the medics were asking me, Is there a chance that you can be pregnant? I don't know.

I would have to find out later. Then I found out that I actually was pregnant I guess I kinda refute it back to how I was as a kid. Um, I just swallowed it and just moved on.

And I wish that I would have not have been afraid. I wish I would have spoke out more and advocated for myself. Um it also didn't help that TJ uh was gone every day up until ten o'clock.

He was gone from like noon to ten at night and Um, so I really felt alone, felt like I was drowning at home with a newborn and a toddler that's just Running amuck in the house. Right. That's a ref sees.

Chasing two little kids. I love that word amok because it's exactly what it is. Um in 2024, for whatever reason, it was just a hard season for me.

Um, so much had gone on. and I just remember I had mentally tapped out. I had took a plane, went to go be with my mom for like three weeks, left TJ with the kids 'cause I could no longer do it I'm like, I just can't, I need time away.

Um, yeah, it was very hard. It was a 2024 was a very hard season in my life.

It's good to know our limits. to say, Hey, I need to pull back.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I always like even to this day I feel guilty 'cause like even talking about it was like, how can you leave your kids

Well, and I'm wondering also, are there things that you would encourage a mom to do who's walking through that along the way, like You already mentioned I wish I'd spoken out to someone and advocated for myself. So a mom walking through that Would you would encourage that, I'm guessing? And is there anything else to get to that point?

Like not just advocating to your significant other Go into someone else, go into another woman, go into uh a mentor in your life, saying, hey, or even talking to your doctor, like I'm really struggling here. I really need help. Because uh back home they don't really prescribe uh medication, they would try to do therapy first. Which I love because Medication doesn't always fix it 'cause there is stuff that is still going on internally.

Right.

Right. Right. And um

So yeah, I and it can be a combination. Sometimes it's medication helps somet and then also with um uh for me I know it helped me to get out of the house sometimes, like go to a place where like with other moms where I knew my children would be safe or they could be like playing nearby or something because even when I didn't want to, it's like But I it's easier just to keep them at home sometimes and just keep our you know, at least they're running amuck at home, not somewhere else.

But even like taking a walk, getting your mind out of that out of your little cramped up space.

Right.

Right.

Um because good idea. Yeah.

Because they're just it's kinda like you're in your own filth. When you're just sitting at I don't know how to that's a good analogy.

I mean even just like getting vitamin D.

Yeah.

And the wind and the fresh air anyway. Yeah. Yeah.

Um but yeah, it's just Yeah. You you literally have to advocate. You have to stop being afraid and knowing you're not the only one that's going like not Yeah. You're not going alone.

You're not alone.

Yeah. And there are so many other women that are going through it and it helps knowing that you're not the only one.

Do you think that would have helped you along the way more? Like with

For me, I my maybe this is gonna encourage someone. I have always, like, even though you know I felt liberated about so many things, I was also too afraid of being a statistic, right? And so if you you know if anybody is feeling like that, you have to push that to the side. Right. It doesn't matter if you are you still have to get help.

Yeah.

You can't stay you know, you're not you need a better yourself so you can be a better mom, a better wife. Right. Whatever, you know, yeah. Your kids deserve the best version of you.

Wow That's i pretty powerful to hear that. And I just I I you know, it's no wonder you had that fear because You did have statistics in your family, like with your mom and brother, and uh so that's very interesting. You came to that realization too.

So Chelsea, any other thoughts on you thankfully have not wound up as a statistic? You are in a totally different headspace you know of joy obviously and laughter and just peace, you are calmer, even though you have four children. And it's like hard to become but any other thoughts to someone on what you know, who might have all that past trauma and There's hope you can be married, have a family, yes, work through issues.

Yes, you know, your hope obviously you said is following Jesus, you know, and Living God's way, not Chelsea's way.

I would say for me, um, it's always going back to God's word and listening to certain praises, like worship songs, for me in um my season of twenty twenty four, Gyrah was the song that I had just kept on repeat that kept me grounded, that kept me that I knew I had hope because uh, you know, it's a f uh I love the uh the actual verse, you know, Matthew six, twenty six, I can't remember all the way through, but in the song it talks about if he um c uh if he can f you know, feeds the birds in the air, how much more can he take care of us? And that's what the song And Jyra talks about as well. If he um can clothe the lilies, how much more will he take care of you?

It's beautiful words of hope for you.

Yeah. It's just like if God can take care of the birds, the trees, we are more important. Yeah.

Than the trees and the birds in the air. He loves us more. Yeah.

So why can't I put my trust in him?

Wow. I love the verse where it talks about he literally knows the number of hairs that are head. And I'm like, what?

I don't even know. Like, so I wash my hair this morning, I lose some hair and like God's like, okay, she's got blah-blah blah blah number. I'm like, I have no idea, you know.

And it's just amaz but that's his love. He's made us and He loves us and treasures us and he never would have wanted you to have to walk through all of that. But I love how the freedom you have found through You know, the hope that God's given you.

And you had a verse you mentioned earlier that you might want to share also that uh I hope from God's word to maybe encourage someone else that's

Yeah, it was m uh Matthew six, um, twenty-six. Look at the birds of the air. They neither sow nor reap.

nor gather into barns and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And it's just like Why question?

Yeah. Why question your worth?

Wow. Wow. Oh, so many hard things, but so many hope things.

And I just Thank you for coming and sharing your story and yes, tears and some laughter and and that's the way mess is. There's tears, there's laughter along the way and And God reaches down and offers us hope in the middle of all that. So, and friend, I hope you're leaving with just some hope and some encouragement after walking through Chelsea's story with her and maybe there's one layer of this that has reached out to you in some way.

And I hope that you'll give Turning to God a chance and just look at the His hand extending to you of just saying, I love you, I made you. And I have peace and hope and joy to offer you and to see the joy that my friend Chelsea has, that God has given her after walking through all the things she has and the healing and hope. So Friend, I hope you'll go to thriveinthemess.

com. There's some resources there for how to learn more about following God. in having a relationship with him and some other things on there as well.

And I hope you'll join us next time on Thrive in the Mess.