Single Mom Life: Help & Hope for Moving Forward - with Single Mom & Author Cheryl

Cheryl:
As I was looking at my pregnant belly thinking, how in the world did my life get to this? I had a lot of crying on the shower floor.

Lisa:
Welcome to Thrive in the Mess. I'm your host, Lisa Hutchcraft Whitmer. So hey friend, welcome to Thrive in the Mess.

I'm glad you're here this week. We are jumping into another messy topic in life. There are so many messes in life and We need some hope to know we are not alone and we need some help along the way and encouragement.

So I have a special friend with me today. Cheryl, welcome to Thrive in the Mess. And we are going to be talking about walking through the mess of being a single mom.

You know, you get married And you don't you think, okay, this is great, we might have children someday, a life together and then you end up having children and then i a marriage breaks apart. How are you feeling in that moment? You're you're like, okay, wait a minute.

I'm broken. My heart is broken, but I have to be here for my children. I can only imagine.

Can you kind of take us there?

Cheryl:
Yeah, so up through ten years of marriage, I had no idea that it was a possibility to end up as a single parent. So um it just wasn't on the radar. So um, so it definitely felt like the rug was ripped out from under and not something I wanted, but something that ultimately became necessary. And um Yeah, and all the emotions because it impacts so many people around. The kids, of course, and then also just other people around that it impacts. Um decisions that didn't feel like they were your own, but you needed to

Lisa:
Move forward a step at a time and yeah. You know, and I should say early on that you actually uh with walking through this You made some very intentional choices. We're gonna touch on some of those today.

I hope. We're kind of catching up over coffee, just not in the same place. But I love you have written a book about walking through this and it's called Steadfast Hearts Navigating the Single Mom Life in Community by Cheryl Joy.

There's the book. You have the book. I love that So I am really thankful for you to be able to I people to have some takeaways from what you'll be sharing.

And um thank you for putting some of that on paper for others. So So you uh like you said, after ten years, you did not see that coming. How do you I I wanna touch on real quick How do you try to heal your own broken heart when you no longer have your husband there and you have children needing you?

And how many children did you have?

Cheryl:
So starting out, I was pregnant with my um third son when everything kind of came apart. So it was especially hard on the emotions initially because I was looking at my pregnant belly thinking, how in the world did my life get to this? And um yeah, so it was really hard emotionally.

I did a lot of crying on the shower floor because the kids are not in the shower with me and I could cry in peace and Um and the water washes the tears away. So it was um so I did a lot of that. Um and then also just reaching out to people slowly.

Um, my biggest regret is that I did not share much of anything initially because I was trying to protect reputations and um And even the kids didn't know for months, um, after he had moved out. So, um So they and family didn't know until so three months before is when he moved out, before y my s youngest son was born. The idea was that he was just trying to heal and get better and then be ready for the baby being born.

And I knew I didn't really have a choice anyway, so I was rolling with it. And then um I started telling people, I told the first person, I think a little bit before the baby was born because I was nervous about what who's gonna watch the other kids when I go to the hospital with the baby to have the baby Um and then I started telling a couple people, like my pastor for pastoral counseling, and then um And then I started telling a couple friends just to kind of be on the radar to be back up. So that helped when I started telling people, but I also didn't kind of I Kind of didn't see the gravity of it when I was in it, that it was permanent, that it wasn't something that was just a blip in the road kind of thing.

Lisa:
Yeah, and I can't help but think pregnancy brings its own set of emotions. Yes. Yes. And then to walk through the a broken marriage during that time, I have no idea how that multiplies in and and in the human body for like you said, tears that the shower helped wash away.

Cheryl:
So and I realized um not sharing it also helps them to thrive. So if you're sharing like sent out in the open or anything anything not right, not in the open is not gonna be addressed and then not fixed. So looking back I would have shared it with people that are close and trustworthy just to um to help navigate it better.

So for support. That's something you would do differently. Yeah.

For support, but also for um For addressing things. Yeah.

Lisa:
Yes. And it just to help you process. Yeah, exactly.

And and to have a way the next step should be. Yeah. So in the middle of our messes we talk a lot about we feel alone.

But we're really not. You have not been the only person probably crying on the floor of a shower, but at that moment it sure feels like it. How do you begin to move forward?

Because You've two children, your brand new single mom, and you have a newborn. And so you were juggling the needs of how old were your other two?

Cheryl:
They were around six and eight.

Lisa:
Okay. Yeah. And then a newborn.

So you have school runs, baby sleeping. How do you do that? And and just hang in there, you know, emotionally and mentally.

Cheryl:
And I did home daycare at the time, so that helped kind of keep a routine. and um and kept the kids engaged and um so it didn't change a whole lot with the daily routine, the kids didn't notice that he wasn't living there for quite some time. He would come and check in for about five minutes and talk to the kids and then leave again um in those couple months before the baby was born and a couple months after.

So um So yeah, so not a whole lot changed because I did home daycare and I brought I covered getting the kids to school and home anyway and bedtime and all that. So Yeah, so that wasn't an abrupt change so much as the emotional factor. Right.

Lisa:
And how how do you keep an even keel? When your heart is broken, you're trying to heal, you're you're not getting enough sleep. There's just no way to get enough sleep at that stage. Um How are you even attempting to process any kind of emotion, any kind of healing?

Cheryl:
Yeah, I joked that My baby was born not with his days and nights mixed up because I was up all night anyway before he was born. So when he was born he slept through the night, 'cause I'm like He may have his days and nights mixed up from what it was, but I had him mixed up. So It's normal.

It fits right in. Yep. Yeah, so um, yeah, so it's just a lot of um one day at a time and trying to fake it till I make it and I had one of the home daycare parents tell me later on that she had no idea I was going through anything and how well I hid it and still And I never thought I hid things.

I never I always thought I lived like an open book other than I protected reputations. So it It led to hiding a lot more than I realized.

Lisa:
Do you almost feel like that was a way to just kind of cope yourself? Just to I just okay, try to keep an even keel and it was just a normalcy. Right, right. And so That's why you do you think that was an intentional choice to hide or also kinda just a way to survive?

Cheryl:
A little of both I'm sure. So I would try to keep the emotions hidden from them, but then it would come out when I didn't want it to at times. But um Yeah.

Yeah, and one of the times I was crying, my son is like, who died? I'm like, nobody died. But that was a reference of what is crying.

Lisa:
That's so true though, because it is grief. There it is great loss of um of a relationship but also the loss of a dream you know, for marriage, but also a loss of a dream for your pa your children to not have mom and dad in the home together. So that's a lot of layers of grief for you to be walking through.

Cheryl:
Are there any other a any helps or It's betrayal on top of grief too that's so it feels like another layer. that's this person who was supposed to love and protect you the most became the biggest threat. So it's grief, but then it's also betrayal on top of that, which is

Lisa:
Well, that yeah, no, that's another layer that's that's really hard to walk through. Okay, so you're walking through all of this. and you have a broken heart, you're trying to keep normalcy for your children, um, and just kind of walking through how do you handle you said one day at a time, are there any other thoughts you have on dealing with emotion, like walking through some of that emotion.

Cheryl:
I had to be intentional about finding community. Um I reached out to probably everybody I've ever known in that time to see kind of who my people were because I had I knew that my My core was changing. My core people were changing.

So I reached out to everybody I could think of and um kind of reconnected with some people that I didn't necessarily expect to and um and some people that are just good foundational background friends. Like there's just I needed to find a community. And then a friend um told me about a group, a support group at a church, local church, that um I was hesitant to go to because it was for divorce people going through divorce and I really did not want divorce and I hadn't yet accepted that's what was necessary.

So, um, I ended up going with her for a while to the single mom's part because I couldn't bring myself to go to the divorce group. Yeah. And um, even though I was still married.

So, um I got to go. Exactly.

Lisa:
Acknowledging too much. Right, right. For sure.

Cheryl:
Right. For sure. So I started going to that group and that's actually where the book stems from because um after s going to the group, then I um stayed there and ended up co-leading the single mom's group for seven years. So um so the book involves the curriculum that we developed um in that group. So

Lisa:
Yeah. Wow. Well just looking it over, there's so many takeaways that I it I can just I I really uh and that come out of a big choice of yours.

You initially hid things and then you chose to reach out, like you said, to everybody. and trying to see, okay, who's there in this season and I feel like that's a huge takeaway for anyone walking through any season of, you know, stepping into being a widow. I've heard people talk about as a widow, widower, you know, their season changes and who are the people who are really there at that moment or empty nest or um any season, you know, having children or even being single, whatever season, I love that you did that intentionally of okay, I'm gonna reach out because that's risky.

You could have people be like Okay, we're gonna distance or peop some people who lean in more and are there. So I kudos to you for just that powerful choice of intentionally seeking community. Um any other thoughts on community of how that helped?

Cheryl:
Um yeah, it helped tremendously to have people around who understood and who um who just get it or try to get it on some level. Um, I remember talking to my sister on the phone my sister was a huge resource to. And um she walked through it very closely with me.

And I was on the phone with her and I was crying and I looking out the window and I'm like, I don't know what okay looks like, but I know I'll be okay. And it just that's something that I've told myself over and over since then. So like telling reminding myself what is true was also another huge thing that um that I needed to do.

And I posted some um some phrases along with scripture next to my um next to my work computer next to my um s kitchen sink in places that were prominent that I could just go back to and refer um to give myself um encouragement and um just to persevere and keep going.

Lisa:
Yeah. It what m do you have a certain particular Verse from the Bible, words from the Bible that you posted in one of those places.

Cheryl:
Yeah, a couple of them. Galatians 6, 9 is let us not become weary and doing good for At the right at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Lisa:
So just to feel like you wanted to give up along the way.

Cheryl:
And I wanted to give up, but at the same time I'm like, what does even giving up look like? I have to keep going. And then first Peter's.

Lisa:
Because how do you do that? When you have three children looking to you, exactly you don't really you may feel that you want to give up, but you really can't. Exactly. Like it's not like you can sit in bed eating chocolate or Ben and Jerry side stream, you know.

I and and just stay under the covers. We have little ones looking to looking to us. So wow.

I like that one. Okay, go ahead. Sorry, I jumped on the other one.

Cheryl:
And then the other one is first Peter five, six and seven. So humble yourselves under God's strong hand, and in his own good time he will lift you up. You can throw the whole weight of your anxiety on him for you are his personal concern. It's the Phillips translation and I love it.

Lisa:
I love what I go back to over and over again. Throwing it, throw the whole weight of your anxiety on God. He can handle it.

I know I can't Yeah. And I know you can't. We're just humans and anxiety, my goodness, the beginnings of it even are uh you know, we feel I feel it like in my stomach and then it's just, you know, like something's in there bouncing around trying to and to throw all that on him 'Cause he can handle it. How m how many times did you have to do that?

I'm sure countless, yes. Yes, yes. Wow.

Well, I love I love that. Okay, what about another emotion that comes in and is pretty strong? Anger of I I maybe you didn't walk through that, but I'm kind of wondering, is that something I can only imagine of how did things get here?

I'm doing this alone and

Cheryl:
I realized it's a lot easier to give grace to people who offend other people who do things like criminals and people who Do horrible things to other people. But when it's any news yourself. That's a whole nother like layer of what do I do with this?

But um yeah, it's It took a large process, but it was a aha moment of if I can love on these people who have done terrible things elsewhere. Why can't I forgive this person who hurt me? Because they ultimately they're just as broken as I am, just in a different way.

We're We all need Jesus. We all need healing. We're all struggling in some way.

So it's um it's just a struggle that looks a little differently. And every struggle has fallout of some kind. So recognizing that it's not about me so much.

It's it's about brokenness that needs healing. Hmm.

Lisa:
Oh wow. It's not about me. You know, I cannot help think of when The Bible talks it is a story of of people through the ages, including us who choose how to live life my way.

Lisa's way, Cheryl's way, and or name any person in the Bible who sh who we know their story, living their way versus God's way. And when I choose to live my way It hurts me, it hurts those I know and love, and God's way uh God does have ways to live, you know, of loving, of forgiving and and but those aren't just glossing over m forgiveness I always like to make sure we see that's not just saying what that person did is okay. It's not okay.

Exactly. Right. What they did, but it frees us from potential of bitterness growing within us and then that's just poison.

It's just like drinking poison of not so

Cheryl:
And it helps differentiate what's our responsibility what's versus what's not our responsibility. That's really good.

Lisa:
That's good. Yeah. So I d I like that of uh of it's not about you and uh so the Forgiveness part, how does that happen? Um a lot of shock and awe and then

Cheryl:
It took a while. It was actually like for me the impact was kind of overnight. Moved out in March.

So yeah, so the following January, overnight I had a aha moment of where the weight was lifted. And I didn't feel the anxiety and the um pressure anymore because I the weight was lifted of it's not about me. And even the next morning, um My husband at at the time was like, something is different.

Why are you so different today? So he even he recognized that there was a difference where I wasn't so I don't know if scared's the right word or like nervous. I was I had a weight lifted.

I wasn't weighted down so much.

Lisa:
So it was it was really that moment of talking to God about all that and wow.

Cheryl:
Yeah. So before that it was a lot of crying on the shower floor and What am I gonna do and what's the next step? And then it felt like a weight was lifted kind of overnight of this is not about me.

I'm gonna be okay. I don't know what okay looks like. And press on.

So I kind of controlled.

Lisa:
Right. We we can only say, okay, I release it That that's all we're able to do, right? Yeah.

Okay, so I have to share with you what I read this morning before this. Um because I couldn't help but think of this in regards to being a single mom and a lot of life messes, honestly. It's in Psalm sixty nine Verses two and three.

And then there's a a a a couple other verses that tie in with this. I was like, oh my goodness, this is amazing But it says I sink in the miry depths, like I'm picturing in the mud and where there is no foothold I've come into the deep waters, the floods engulf me. So I'm like, here we are walking.

We are not able to walk. We have no foothold And then we have this. And then this part is in Lamentations, that lament word.

Pretty much says what Lamentations in the Bible is all about. So Lamentations 3, 54 to 57 I love this. It says so here we are in the mud and then here's more.

The waters closed over my head and I thought I was about to be cut off. I picture being absolutely overwhelmed, the anxiety, all the things. I called on your name, O Lord, which you said you did.

I love this. From the depths of the pit. You heard my plea.

Do not close your ears to my cry for relief. You came near when I called you, and you said, do not fear. I hearing you talk, I'm like, oh my goodness.

It sounds just like those verses I read this morning. And that's exactly what happened to you. We get to the bottom of it.

And and like you said, you threw it through it and the weight, God can carry it, we can't. Wow. Yeah.

Cheryl:
And reading the Psalms it's a reminder that it's we're not alone, that other people have gone through this over time. over and over again in some capacity.

Lisa:
Just different details.

Cheryl:
Yeah.

Lisa:
And that God comes through every time. How did you feel like you parented after that? Did you feel like you were different as a mom? You said you're husband at the time noticed even though he wasn't living I you know with you he still noticed how how did you walk through uh being a mom after that moment of feeling lighter

Cheryl:
Yeah, I felt like the weight was lifted, so I think I probably had noticeably more energy. I don't know from their perspective, but yeah.

Lisa:
Do we ever have like tons more energy as a mom really? When our children are younger. I'm like I'm not sure where the energy enters back in, but I do believe God gives us strength for each day and every day is an adventure with you know with our children. So um how do you uh get to a point Of feeling like, okay, I feel like this new normal, it's gonna be okay. Do you ever feel like that at a certain point?

Cheryl:
Yeah, I'd remind myself that I don't know what okay looks like, but I'm gonna be okay. Because I used to be very much a um type A planner. I planned I had everything planned out the next five years.

Vacations job kids, you know. I had I had plans and I loved following the plan. And then when the rug was ripped out from a nurse It taught me to embrace variables like things that changed the plan and um that It's okay when things go differently.

It's just a redirection and navigating and okay, now we're doing this. Right, right. And I planned vacations with my kids to make good memories for them.

Good friend time together to kind of build back the idea that this is a whole family. It's broken, but it's a whole family. And this is what our values are and this is where we're going.

Lisa:
I like that. Can you talk a little more about that? The We're a whole family.

Cheryl:
Yeah. I um one of the things I had with the kids is I sat them down and um And we came up with family values together. And um I do you have some examples?

Oh, I love it. Oh, I love it. on canvas and it's faded now over time, but um but they helped come up with them so we did cherish Christ, make healthy choices, enjoy fun together.

be truthful, embrace accountability, be respectful and love fiercely. And some of the things they came up with, because they were pretty little, so one of 'em was my oldest thought that we all needed to do ten push ups a day. So we kind of talked through that and um and that became the make healthy choices.

Yeah, I like that. Instead of locking into 10 push-ups every day for everybody.

Lisa:
Right. I'm like, whoa, I for a minute I'm thinking they're like I'm like, let's make this a little general so that we can carry it on for life. I love that though because it gives children an opportunity to speak into a situation that they probably feel like they have no control over and may feel a little helpless of okay, dad's not here, it's just mom and So I love that you chose to intentionally involve them in this stretch and this new season of helping to come up with family values.

You know, the things they sell in stores have nothing on your homemade uh homemade written and marker. Family values. I love that.

Everyone needs to have that. Right, right. So that's great.

And instead of the ten push ups we're gonna make happy choices. Yeah. If push-ups make you happy, great.

For other people they might not make them happy.

Cheryl:
Healthy. Healthy. Yes.

Healthy choice. That's good. And it incorporates Other choices too, emotional, and all kinds of things.

Lisa:
Well and healthy healthy can lead to happy. So right. Wow. Oh, I really like that. Uh what's one of your other favorites that your children came up with on there?

Cheryl:
Um let's see that they can enjoy this is what they were. Um Enjoy fun together. We wanted to just make sure that we're laughing a lot together and um because it felt heavy for a long time.

So um And be respectful. They say that's my tagline because I always told them that. So that was a given that they knew was gonna be on there.

Lisa:
They didn't really get a choice. They just New. Oh, that's great.

Cheryl:
I love it. That was just the reality from when they were little.

Lisa:
That's great. So in the middle when things were heavy before you all made some intentional choices to have fun together. Were there any things that you that helped you or you and your children not have it feel as heavy? I like there is a grief process, so that always doesn't feel very happy and cheery. But were there any things that kinda helped during that time?

Cheryl:
Um yeah, mainly the community, just having people around and making plans so that I wasn't Um so I stayed a healthy level of busy. So I was so I was engaging, but not trying not to be over busy, but also definitely staying engaged. Um, because isolating is very tempting when you're struggling. So yeah.

Lisa:
And it's a scary place to be then, that feeling isolated just multiplies the load in a lot of ways it seems sometimes. Wow. So question, did you look for community where your children could come also? Like you mentioned a single mom group W are you able to bring your children along and they have activities?

Cheryl:
Yes. They had a kids program too that was amazing that um where they loved on the kids and yeah. And the kids loved going.

So we would drive by the church and they would be like, I want to go there. I'm like, well they're not meeting there right now. We have to go in there there.

Lisa:
So it was a good experience for your children. It really was. Also while mom was getting encouragement and community and being able to talk with adults, you know. Right. Also.

Cheryl:
Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

And I joined a gym where the kids could go to um the child center. And um one of my kids is very was very attached to me. Like he struggled being a part ever.

So um so I worked up to where he could go there because it started out where he last he screamed the whole time and then we would increase it and then we got up to a full hour where he could be a part. So that was another thing that just helped me not feel alone to have something where they could go and I could go and we could we could go together but also still have time to make the healthy choices. Right, right.

Lisa:
Go do those push-ups. Yes. Oh, I love it.

Uh so I that I love that they had community while you did too, and they also had community with other children walking through the same thing, but in a a a little bit more of a structured environment. So really intentionally choosing community was I I I I know from what I've read even, it wa yeah, it seems like it was a lifesaver for you and for your family. So And uh for you you found that at a local church it sounds like then.

Did you ever go to the divorce group or did you stick with the single mom part of things?

Cheryl:
I did the single moms group initially and then I went to the divorce care group and then I went by single moms. Yeah, yeah. It was the divorce one was more practical.

Um uh the steps that needed to be done. It was much more practical right when going through it. So it was good timing.

And then the single moms was more ongoing, um, community focused.

Lisa:
Oh, because they're just right there with you in it in the middle of it.

Cheryl:
And everybody's there for different slightly different reasons. And um yeah, so it brings up a lot of more a lot more variety

Lisa:
Right. Oh, that's I'm so thankful for you that you had that and you've tried to really encourage people to have that community. Um What would you say to someone right now who's like, I'm just not finding my people in this in this stretch? Do you have any thoughts for them of Maybe where else to look. Did did you when you said you reached out to other people, did you just start texting people, calling people, emailing?

Cheryl:
I think I texted Everybody that I had ever known. So like people back to high school and college and um yeah, and just got together with some people and um And some we just chatted a little bit and some it carried on longer. So yeah, but um but finding the group where we were doing life together, because we would meet every week at the church group helped a lot and there's a lot throughout the country which helps. So I think that was that was a big turning point, even though I was very reluctant to do it because It was ad felt like admitting defeat.

Lisa:
Yeah. When you feel broken and the admitting defeat Yeah. And and feeling betrayed. Right, right.

Cheryl:
And the first day I went was on my thirteenth wedding anniversary.

Lisa:
So it was yeah. I'm glad you chose to get out. Yeah.

On a day like that. Wow. Um well in the beginning and honestly for you it ended up bringing new life in this hard season, the messy new season.

Wow. So holidays, how in the world do you walk through that? The holidays.

Um it's the theme of so many movies where people feel broken around the holidays and when there's some broken in a family that just hit so much harder at the holidays. Do you have any thoughts on that? How do you go through a birthday?

How do you go through Christmas? How do you go through you know those special days? Um when things are hard and broken for you and your children.

Cheryl:
Yeah, it can feel important to keep the old traditions, but I also think it's important when there's a major transition to make new traditions. and embrace where you're at um and build from there. So um my Extended family is excellent and supportive, so um so we embrace more holiday time with um extended family and mate some new traditions and um vacationed for some of them uh to make family memories on a trip. So Um yeah, just appreciating the old traditions, but also not being afraid to make new traditions as the new stage of life comes.

Lisa:
I like that. I actually I was dreading Christmas, the first Christmas after my mom passed away. And I finally got to a point where I I felt the same way.

I I was like, okay, my mom and and of course I had my own family then, so we already had uh our own traditions, but still there's a part where a mom just has a special She always made Christmas so special for our family. She and my dad, but my mom was just amazing and one of her little things was even having a nativity in every single room of the house. A little nativity of some kind.

And even in the bathroom, you know. And so but I I I decided that first Christmas, you know, I I'm going to we're gonna choose to do some new traditions and different and even for how we celebrated my dad's birthday that year. How do you juggle communication and your children and representing, you know, their dad to them because I'm sure there's some uh you know, there there's how we feel, but then you walk through forgiveness and um you know, of course the our world sees so much of the not good part of people m talking about the bad things about the parent because we're hurt, you know, by that person.

Um no matter what happened I it we're still wounded some, but um, can you just touch on that with your children as a single mom?

Cheryl:
Yeah. So one of our family values was to be respectful. So mm so we always talk respectfully about him, even though if there's frustrations or whatnot.

And sometimes the kids had frustrations. Sometimes they have frustrations with me. It's they have frustrations with parents.

So um so we So once I came to the point too where I could like acknowledge it's not about me, that was really helpful too because I wasn't holding it against him so much as okay this isn't good for me but it's also not good for him and ultimately we we all need Jesus we all need that healing so um So yeah, a lot of it um is just navigating step at a time as things come up and reiterating to the kids that Okay, yes, this hurts, but it's um but it's not about you. It's not something that Is you you're responsible for your attitude in it. And that's where it where your responsibility ends.

It's not done to you because of your worth or your value in any way. It's just you have to press on and Yeah.

Lisa:
That's really powerful to teach for long-term life situations. Yeah. Of walking through that.

So Really good. So and how do you um how do you s uh you know manage schedules, is it hard w because you're not under the same roof anymore? How do your children how do you keep an even keel for your children when you're juggling different schedules with dad, with mom, with them, and with life with school and all those things.

Cheryl:
Yeah. We it took a while to get into a rhythm, but we got no rhythm. There was a year that he didn't see them much at all, but then he got into a rhythm where he wanted one night a week and so that worked out he didn't go to The kids would go with their dad Friday evening and then um they'd come back Saturday morning and it was an even routine, so that helped.

Um But then the kids probably did a lot more than they should necessarily on their own earlier on. Like they would bike to there was a summer camp, um, like summer sports camp. And it was I think two miles away and my son biked to it so that he could go.

And in the perfect world he wouldn't have had to do that, but I did home daycare and couldn't take everybody. So It worked out. So ultimately I tried to look at the benefits of he had more exercise and independence and you do what you have to do.

Right. I love that. Yeah.

Yeah.

Lisa:
He he got to make those healthy choices. Exactly. You want to do the camp, you've got a bite to it You know, I think of when uh back when we were growing up, my husband I learned he would just bike everywhere and you know it did th things change a little. It's nice to be able to do that, but mm yeah, so but at least it's always a healthy joy.

Cheryl:
Yeah. Yeah. We would just try to spin the necessary as okay, there's there's a fun aspect of this. We can make it fun. Right, right.

Lisa:
I I'm wondering how do you juggle some of the financial part. You know, you are a single mom. Is that I'm sure that is different.

Everyone's story is different. Everyone's Every family is different. And but I love that you were able to actually work out of your home and you were already doing that.

Is is that right? So things just kind of were able to keep going. Um do you have any thoughts to throw on that?

Because I know for some single moms that financial road can be really challenging too. Yeah. Uh do you have any encouragement with that

Cheryl:
And sometimes money is tighter than other times for everybody, I think. But um Right. So a lot of I did a lot of prioritizing of had to let some things go and that's okay and um and readjusted.

But um Yeah, now I o I still work from home, but I work from home more office now as opposed to home day care. So I did home day care through Until my oldest was going to high school because I wanted him to be able to have his friends over and not feel like he can't be at home with his friends. So Right, right.

Without a bunch of little ones.

Lisa:
Yeah.

Cheryl:
Right, right. Oh, I get that. So there were natural transitions like that where it um like how can I make this work to Support my family, but also be with my family and not lose sight that this is what I'm doing work for is um for supporting my family.

So um yeah, so it's been an adjustment over time, but also um priorities were a huge thing of um where we choose to spend money. So I did a lot of hand-me-down clothes. We ate a lot of simple meals because I wanted to my splurges were road trips.

I wanted to do I did a couple different road trips that were just very profound memories for us to have time together.

Lisa:
So some of your choices are similar to Rick's and mine also. Yeah. Uh you know, we would try to mm I don't know how many peanut butter and jellies we ate just to do road trips, you know because I and and on those road trips because we wanted those experiences with our children.

'Cause yeah, and especially about exploring Together. Yes. That's so true.

I like that as a mom and and her children. Do you have any really hard moment that you're like, wow, this is one of the hardest times as a single mom. Um

Cheryl:
I think just the weight of everything being on me, being mom and dad, every once in a while it still hits me of like looking at the neighbors working on their houses and doing the day-to-day thing and like taking turns driving and I'm like all of it is on me and I need to not think about it too much or it becomes I feel the weight of it, but really we can only do what we can do and we have to let go of the rest and know that God is going to fill in the gaps when we don't feel like we're measuring up.

Lisa:
Uh that was a big prayer for for us of uh God please fill in the gaps because You try to do the best you can as a parent, whether you're two and then when you're down to one, yeah, then I you know, that that's really hard. And you do I think We just trust God to fill in those gaps. I love that. And I and do you have a friend Oh yeah.

Cheryl:
A friend told me that I should get lawn service because she's like that's what made her she's a single mom to you and that's what made her feel like Um, she wasn't alone in it and somebody somebody to cut the grass and she's like, It's a splurge, but it's something that really helps not to feel alone. I don't mind cutting the grass, so I translated that to a house cleaner. because so once a month I have a house cleaner and I had always equated it with a being a giant luxury only for wealthy people. And then I came to the point that I can make this work for my sanity's sake. So it very much helps me not feel alone. And my kids joke that I love the house cleaner more than I love them, but

Lisa:
Hey, I have the house cleaner because I love you. And it helps me love everyone more because I don't think That was being clapped. I love that.

That's awesome. So it helps on so many levels. And it and it's a great intentional choice to say, okay, what What is important for just my mental well-being even to help as I walk through this and I need this help and I need to accept this help.

Yes. That that too. Oh, that's a that's a good point too.

Well, and I love so many of these takeaways you've been sharing about I you know, looking to God for for help. I love how you have scripture like Bible verses all through the house and I have most of mine like on my bathroom mirrors that I see and um every morning and night and Uh and then I love the community part you've talked about and just some of the the tangibles of um you know the the scheduling and keeping just kind of a a routine and the normalcy and do you have other m other tips that what would you tell someone what who's walking through that or someone Like I what would you tell you at that moment? I know one thing you said earlier was don't keep it hidden as long.

Like talk to people.

Cheryl:
Yeah, and something that hits hard is that people tend to want to blame, maybe unconsciously even. Um unfairly on things that happen. And I think a lot of that stems from our need to control.

We feel like an a need to control that This circumstance can't can't happen to me because I made the right choices, kind of thing. So that can feel really harsh. Um but then It hit me just maybe last year that Judas's friends didn't even know that, like the other disciples, didn't even know that Judas was going to betray Jesus.

So It's not something necessarily that discernment or choices that we could even predict ahead of time. That's really good. Yeah.

Yeah. So um so being gentle on myself was huge. Like learning to be gentle on myself um that we're all doing the best we can and um and to get as healthy as we can as fast as we can because it helps us but it also helps our kids and everyone around us really.

All the shrapnel impact of that brokenness brings.

Lisa:
That's a lot of wisdom in the middle of all of that. I that's honestly honestly why I went to a a grief class, grief share uh class for weeks, um, a few months after my mom passed away because I said I need to be healthy for me, for my family, walk through this well and for others. And I think it's beautiful how you have intentionally chosen to get healthier.

Like it was the shock and then just and having a baby. Like the emotion of all of that and probably not knowing which end was up. And like the Bible verse, feeling like we're sinking in the mud with no foothold.

But God hears our cry. I do want to touch on the how you've you've mentioned about uh you know, having a relationship With God, with Jesus. Why has that been important?

Why would you even mention that to someone else as something that might be a possibility to help them?

Cheryl:
It's definitely an anchor point when you feel like everything is stripped from you, ripped away from you, and um you feel like everything is spinning. So a friend, um when during one of the big pivotal times, um, because it was a three-year process really from when he left to the divorce. Um So a friend at a pivotal point in that, because I was trying to move forward without any regrets.

Um and do I didn't want divorce, but came down to necessary. So she doesn't even remember telling me this, but she said you need to hold on to Jesus as the anchor point. He is, think of it like he is in the center pole and everything is spinning around you like a tornado.

And you can't stop it anyway, even if you tried, but just hold on to Jesus in the center of it and let it spin, because it's going to spin. So just let it spin. Let the opinions, let the mess, let everything just spin around you.

And just hold on to Jesus in Him. Yeah.

Lisa:
That is powerful. And we can't stop everything from spinning. When I hear you share that quote, that's powerful for any life mess.

Yeah. And I can only imagine in the single mom part of things, you know, at the end of every day you're probably absolutely exhausted, ready to lay your head. on that pillow, still reminded in that bed.

You are alone as the parent and uh just all the things spinning and all the what ifs and concerns for your children and probably trying to even just protect them in the middle of all of this and how powerful to hang on to Jesus is your anchor point because the things will spin. Oh my goodness.

Cheryl:
Yeah. Yeah, and what is the alternative? Your alternative is to get wrapped up in that chaos and there is no alternative that's stable that can hold the weight of it.

Lisa:
Well and I picture from what you said, if you're hanging on to Jesus as your anchor point and everything's spinning, if you're not doing that, you're spinning along with everything else. So right Oh wow. Well I I I think that's a lot of wisdom there.

And I do want to ask when you were in it I d i either some of the darkest moments, um, or you know, when you're snuggling with all your children and you're like, How is this gonna play out? Um How how did you choose to move forward where you're like, I'm gonna go find community I'm going to was there anything that just prompted you that I I have to reach out? I'm alone with these children.

I'm alone with other people's children working with them at home and you know, and my home daycare and mm just navigating all the emotions. Is there anything that just prompted you or a friend who just said, Hey, you've got to reach out beyond yourself

Cheryl:
Yeah, having friends who will push you in the direction you want to go even when you don't feel like you want to go there is huge. So yeah. I had I would say probably like the three closest to me going through it.

One of 'em is one that is a huge encourager and would tell me pretty much everything I did. Like she was very much an encourager. She's She's solid, but she's also she's gonna err on the positives.

And then one who tended to err on the negatives but would push me. where I wanted to go. It was more more direct.

And then one more that thought like I did. So Who would What a mix. So it was a good combination of friends too.

And I tried to make sure that I kept them all closely in the loop so that I couldn't Because perspective really is everything of being able to um know recognize the mess and also See where you are in it and where you need to be.

Lisa:
Hmm. Wow. Is there anything else you would share with someone who's in the middle of walking through this?

Cheryl:
Primarily the getting as healthy as you can as fast as you can because the fallout isn't worth it. You gotta push forward um even when you don't want to. Right.

Lisa:
Yeah, and I like how you've said one day at a time and God gives us strength only in twenty-four hour chunks of time, not for tomorrow yet, because we're not there yet, not for a week, not for a month, but we can we can handle today with the strength he gives. So wow, Cheryl, I'm so thankful you took time to be able to share some of your story and again, I love that if anyone wants some uh some scripture and some tangible helps. Her her book is Steadfast Hearts, Navigating the Single Mom Life in Community by Cheryl Joy. And I love that you have taken, I'm sorry for the hard things you've walked through, but I'm so thankful you've taken that and are trying to encourage others with it. and have an are touching lives through uh through this and through your book and uh just thank you so much for how you've taken your hurt and turned it into helping others. So

Cheryl:
We all have messes, so it's right process to learn to thrive in 'em.

Lisa:
It's really true. And I love in the beginning of the book you use the word thriving. I'm like, Yes.

We're all about trying to thrive in the mess. Uh Well, Cheryl, thank you for being here and friend. I hope you are leaving encouraged with some practical help and some hope.

uh walking through life as a single mom or someone you might know. And if you'd like some additional encouragement, you can go to thriveinthemess. com And I hope you join us next time on Thrive in the Mess.