Four Beautiful Boundaries for a Magnificent Marriage (w/ Doug and Brad's Wives)

Brad:
Welcome everyone to a very special edition of Go Mad with Doug and Brad, because Doug, it's not just Doug and Brad, is it?

Doug:
It is not just Doug and Brad. It is Doug, Brad, Anna, Sarah, our wives here. We are excited to have the wives here.

I have a question for you real quick, Brad. I was looking at our Download numbers. And I'm wondering why the episode with our wives get so many more downloads than just the ones with us.

Brad:
Do I need to answer that?

Doug:
Well, I was I was trying to figure this out. It's it's either that people are really interested in marriage or that they are much, much more intelligent and better looking than us. Can we go with the first one? All right. We'll go with multiple.

Brad:
I will say that if you have not checked us out on YouTube yet, this is the time to do it because now There's actually a reason to. Uh, you know, this is gonna be the best looking YouTube episode we have. So just in fact, we are in a different setting today because let's face it.

Doug, they don't say this in so many words, but Sarah and Anna, they're surrounded by our toys. I mean collectibles at home. We are.

And and they They're not dollies, they're collectibles. Action figures? Action figures.

So we decided, hey, you know what? We're gonna go to a place where we'll Smart. And so we've got books around us.

Anna:
Books behind it. That's the key.

Doug:
Yeah, you gotta get on YouTube if you haven't. I'm actually trying to break a record for how many different jackets a guy can buy from Target. So I d I like it.

Brad:
I like the jacket. Thank you. Yes.

So and you won't you won't hear uh from Jesse. He is here today. He's uh very much a uh a presence here because he is going to be uh making sure we actually have working mics and all of that.

Uh so we're grateful that for Jesse will be back uh with the input and join the conversation in the next episode But um Sarah Anna, there are some people who I have tuned into previous episodes and they know you guys, but there are people who they're checking us out for the first time and some who have joined in just this season So can we hear uh tell people just a little bit about you so they know who they're hearing from today.

Sara:
Well, I was born in Liberia, Africa. Um I had a well, I almost had a pet monkey, but my mom said no. Doug. So the mom said no.

Brad:
I know you like to think she had a pet monkey. I really have convinced myself you had a pet monkey I still have dreams

Sara:
of having a pet monkey someday. And my birthday is coming up. So I just wanted to be a little bit of a big thing.

Brad:
Sorry, that was too easy. The pet monkey marrying me. I just too easy.

Sara:
And coffee is my love language.

Brad:
Oh yeah.

Sara:
I just wanted to throw that out there too.

Brad:
Well and doing dishes. So if I bring you coffee, then do the dishes. Yes.

Oh man. And that was Sarah, by the way, if you're listening and not on YouTube. Anna?

Anna:
Hi, I'm Anna. Um, I am Doug's life partner. Great. Is that the term we're using now?

Doug:
Is my life partner.

Anna:
No, but uh I'm Navajo, uh born and raised on the Navajo Reservation. Uh we've been married it'll be 30 years. in May.

Doug:
We done been married 30 years.

Anna:
We will applaud that.

Doug:
That is awesome. Yeah. Not life partner white before we get emails I mean she's your partner for life.

Brad:
Sarah and I have been married coming up now on uh twenty-two years. So uh you guys I know you have a speed we have Courted a little longer. They they have uh Doug and Anna have three wonderful children.

We have three wonderful children, and we're gonna dive in today to talking about in our marriages some of the boundaries, the beautiful boundaries. that we have found are so important. I actually so I think you guys all know this, but when I uh lost a lot of weight a few years ago and everything, I used it by using this fitness app.

And, you know, it was encouraging, challenging, discouraging, angering all at the same time. Because That's what the best apps are. They really are.

You put in your calorie goals for the day. And you're like, okay, so this is what I need to do, and they say, hey, this is what you need to do to lose weight. And so I you put in what you're eating And it shows you how many calories you have left.

And then you eat breakfast and you're like, I'm already over. This is not, I should not have had four buy bacon at all. That is so who knows?

Doug:
I tried that when you suggested it. I thought you said fatness. And I was like, this works great. It's working perfectly. But no, I was

Brad:
Lots of those. So what what we're going to talk about is when you have the Word of God as your marriage boundaries, as you look to that as far as what God says you should be prioritizing in your life, well All of a sudden things start to make more sense and you have something to compare to. You have these goals set for you. So you're not just making stuff up as you go. You're able to say what is important to God.

Doug:
Yeah. Yeah, boundary can kind of sound like an ugly word, but it isn't. It's just what can we what can we put in our marriages and and we're still learning After 30 years, after 22 years, we're still learning that there are things that if you try to keep them out and keep other things into your marriage, it makes a big difference. We're getting close to Valentine's Day.

So we hope that we'll be able to land some good advice here, some biblical advice, and just things that we've learned over the years of uh 50. Fifty-two fifty-two years if you combine it. Hey, wow.

Brad:
It's not too bad. Good. And Sarah, you had mentioned one thing that I thought was really important before we dive in and we'll kick off with The first uh boundary, beautiful boundary.

That's actually why we said beautiful boundaries, because we know boundaries can sound negative, but these are beautiful boundaries that help in marriage. Sarah, just for those, what would you say to those who are they're in a marriage where they're like, okay, I'm gonna listen to these, but I know my spouse has no interest uh in uh in these boundaries. What would you kind of encourage people with along the way?

Sara:
So that's really challenging. A lot of times I've noticed in the world we live in, we live in reaction to everybody around us, um, whether it's both social media or relationships. we're always reacting to how somebody else treats us.

And so what I love about the idea of boundaries is we can do our part and we can do all of our part to the best of our ability. And so when you build your life according to the Word of God with the boundaries that He's given us. you don't have to always be reacting to, well, he did this, so now what do I do?

But you can you can build a life on a foundation and do all of your part to the best of your ability.

Brad:
And who knows what they do. As you live it out and you pray for your spouse, maybe they will start to see even more of Jesus in you than they already do. So this is about being an ambassador in your marriage.

It's what we talk about all the time. Going mad Making a difference as an ambassador for Christ. Doug, you want to give us number one?

Where where are we starting on this journey here today?

Doug:
I just want to affirm what Sarah said there first because Even if you're the only one putting these boundaries in, being serious about keeping some things in your relationship, in your marriage, keeping some things out, a lot of times your spouse is gonna see that, appreciate it, maybe they'll ask you about it. And uh so give these a shot. Um with the our first beautiful boundary is is making our spouse um our priority.

And what is the one thing we never have enough of in our lives? And it's time. So when I are making uh my wife a priority, I'm talking quality time, man.

And and Um in, you know, the the question for me is what I want to ask Anna this. What do you think constitutes quality time. So we say we need to get time together.

We need to get quality time together. But what makes something quality time to you?

Anna:
I would say um just shutting off everything just shutting off everything. Um Even phones? Even phones.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't know we were going radical today. This is not radical.

And just focusing on each other. Um uh there's gonna be a lot of noise around you. Um having three kids, one in college, um, it's a lot for uh for us even work work wise.

Um so you gotta Shut everything off.

Doug:
If you don't schedule it, it won't happen. It's that simple. Uh go into your uh prayer time, okay?

It says go into a room and close the door. And it kind of goes through this list and you go, wait a minute, this is all about keeping the distractions out so I can really focus on the one I love, it's it's a great checklist for time with the spouse. That's really that you love as well.

Uh g take that phone, put it in the glove compartment if you're going out to a restaurant.

Anna:
Or airplane mode.

Doug:
Or airplane mode. That's right. But it look Doing this takes discipline, just like it does when you're praying.

The Lord, it takes discipline to do it. It takes being intentional. Uh but man, it minimizes distraction.

And that really, I think, says on a practical level, I love you. To my wife when I say, you know I love this phone. It's with me all the time, but I love you more I'm shutting it off.

I'm putting it somewhere where at least for an hour, two hours, three hours, it's not going to have a say in our conversation. It's just going to be us.

Brad:
Well and I think the what I would add to that the the phone is silky because it's always buzzing, it's always a distraction. So I'm glad that's where we started with that The other ways, things we need to look at, some may be like, well, I don't, I still have a flip phone, so I'm good. Well, what else is vying for the attention?

What else does your spouse see? as vying for the their attention and you don't get to decide that that's the hard part you don't get to say well i know what it is Have you asked them? Have you gone and said, have I gone and said, Sarah, what is it that you see is the biggest distraction for me when we're trying to just have time together?

So I think to ask them, and it's not a matter of Just you may be afraid to ask that because you're like, what if they come down on me? What if they and it's just like, well, this is about good communication, having these priorities in place. So it may be your golf game.

It may be your gaming. It may be your work. Who knows?

It may be your kids' sports that you're just always going to and you never have time for each other. And so. What makes your spouse feel like the priority?

And for us, we go to a church with a great pastor who has this simple lineup for a simple equation that helps you have some of that quality time and that's a daily delay taking time to just check in with each other and say how are things going before you start watching that show or whatever five ten minutes even to be able to just check in with each other, the weekly withdrawal, so date time, going out, doing something together, go for a walk together, whatever it is. And the annual abandon, which we still are not awesome at, uh, because when you have three kids and they're growing and everything, it's like, when do we go away and everything? And we love vacationing with our kids, but He makes a point that to get away where it's all out of the way is so huge too.

So it maybe that's an encouragement that would help you with some priorities there.

Sara:
I think what I would add to that too though is sometimes it's scary like you hear Brad say uh it might be golf, it might be this, and we want to hold on to the our hobbies or the things that matter. And it's not like you have to give everything up just to stare into each other's eyes all day long. But you can share hobbies or when I know I'm your priority, I don't I mean, have football on, I'm not gonna care about the game much.

I'll pretend every once in a while for your sake. But um it's pretending? It's more about knowing having that safety of knowing like I I matter and you're gonna prioritize time with me.

So enjoy the things you enjoy, but do it in balance.

Brad:
Be willing to sacrifice your priorities. I love that, Sarah. My verse here was Ephesians 5.

25. It's applicable to so many areas, but husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church. and gave himself up for her.

He was willing to lay everything down for us. And so are we willing to make these priorities, this quality time as you said, Doug, that much of a priority.

Doug:
That's so good that just to get back a little bit on that. ask your spouse this. Don't don't be afraid.

I most of the time your spouse is it might it might even floor them that you're even asking that. If you're waiting for your husband, for your wife to come and say that to you, they might not because they might feel like, oh, they feel like I'm judging them or I'm being critical. Just figure out a nice way to say, you know what, I love you and I just want to make sure that that you're uh feeling the attention from me that you should.

Communication. Communication.

Brad:
Brad, do you have another one? Well, number two, we actually have the it's four Ps actually wound up being of beautiful boundaries. So uh the uh the second one is purity boundaries.

Uh-huh. And now this one it this is really about what we allow into our hearts and everything. Now I automatically when you say purity, people go to one area in their mind.

So let's just address that head on. Let's talk about that. But purity is about more than just this.

Doug:
Yeah, if we don't at least bring up the bane of of pornography, it it we're not really um we're not really doing anyone any favors. The it's such a huge thing in marriages, um, even in uh by all accounts by uh y these these Gallup polls will come out. uh where they even asked pastors and pastors are struggling with it so badly.

No one listening, watching needs to needs to hear that it is not a healthy thing for your marriage. But I I saw something recently. They actually did this It's called this um study with butterflies.

Okay, so get this. So um this scientist, there was a there's a uh uh male butterfly. He takes he makes this um cardboard butterfly, makes it shiny, puts like shiny things, put uh extra bunch of colors and everything, a little bit bigger and and everything, and he put that And then he put um an actual, so that's cardboard, and then he put an actual female butterfly next to it.

And the male butterfly, time after time after time, went to the shinier, um more colorful one. And uh and and it's this it was amazing to see that this this even though it wasn't real These butterflies were tricked into thinking that that that was the better option. So butterflies tricked by cardboard?

Well, according to every study I've read scientifically There's this dopamine thing that happens to our mind to to a man or a woman when we when they watch this stuff. And so the the butterfly tricked by cardboard, people tricked by pixels And it actually bonds you to what is on the screen because of the dopamine that comes in. So without even realizing it, You by watching this stuff, you are falling for a fake, impossible standard, like the butterfly.

And if you're holding your husband, your wife up to that standard, um without even realizing it that is gonna come out in your marriage. Um so uh th I say it real fast, the Bible, a bat, a brother, if you're trying to get out of pornography Memorize God's word and when you get tempted by it, just battle it with pornography, take every thought captive. A bat liter like like think about a baseball bat, just where you destroy every bridge back to that addiction for it it might be um a sports illustrated swimsuit issue it might even be going to the gym whatever it is Uh you gotta be serious about about knocking that bridge out.

And finally a brother or a buddy, somebody or a sister, somebody that can hold you accountable that you trust. If you get serious about those three things and when you're struggling with it, you call that person, you talk to them, say, talk me down. I'm it you can get over a porn addiction, but just depends how serious you are about it

Brad:
With God's help for sure. Doug, that's so good. The only thing I would really add, you you covered the most of what people would struggle within the purity side, but the reality is even if you're not looking at pornography, even if that's not something you are actively consuming Hebrews 13, 4.

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. When I read that verse, usually it's used in the uh, you know, dating talks for young people. It's like, marriage, no premarital sex, don't do it.

And it's like, well, okay, that's true. But that verse is not just for before marriage. That verse is for marriage.

That verse is about, so when you look at that, for God will judge the adulterer, this isn't just about what we are physically doing, but it's also about our thoughts. It's about where are we focusing our attentions? How are you looking at that person that just walked by?

What are you thinking about on a daily basis? Are your thoughts pure towards your spouse? Are your thoughts in line with what God says is marriage being honored by all and keeping the marriage bed?

Pure. So that what you shared was really spot on with that, Doug. But even in addition to that, just what we're thinking about on a daily basis and how we look at other people.

And the one thing I would add is if you want to make sure you're setting high. boundaries for purity, don't be texting the opposite sex. I mean, now I know you're like, I have to text someone from work.

What do I do? I'm what I'm saying, you know what I'm saying. If you're listening and you're like Man, I get it.

Do not start to go down that road of well, this is innocent and this is fine. And that we're just it's just someone I'm sharing something with and everything. As soon as you cross a boundary Where it is like, you know what, that's something really I should just be talking with my wife about.

And I uh you've crossed the line you shouldn't cross.

Sara:
Well a great test for that is how would I feel if he saw it. If he was and and we have open phones, we have open electronics around our house. We can access each other's devices anytime we want, not that we snoop. But it's just it keeps those boundaries um in check. But yeah, I y if if you have to say, Well, I don't want him to see this or you turn your phone away, that's a pretty good

Brad:
a s sign that you're crossing a boundary that that's great could lead to danger. Yeah, it's great because we can have all this openness with passwords and everything because I never remember mine, so I'm like, Sarah, can you just keep these for me? And uh so You know, the the um purity boundary boils down to this guard your heart.

Doug:
Um above all else guard your heart for it's the wellspring of life we We I think the the m more we love the Lord, the longer we've been a Christian, a believer, we go, well, maybe that doesn't apply to me. But man, it it makes the Bible makes it very clear if you let it in, it's gonna come out. So so whether you're, I mean You ever notice every sitcom movie, it's it's always about a bad husband, uh uh bad wife, every country song ever made is about a cheating.

So So our culture is always feeding us these these awful stereotypes in of marriages. Just just guard your heart and get serious about that. Um Speaking of guarding your heart, how's this for a segue to number three?

We've got the priority boundary, so quality time. All right. We have got the purity boundary.

How about this one, people, specifically, what are the voices we are allowing in to our marriage You know, Galatians 5 9. I know very little about cooking. My and is this you make a mean grilled cheese.

Is this true? That's all I can make. I can make grilled cheese in my stuff.

Um but Galatians 5 9 says a little leaven. Even I know you put a little uh uh a little leaven into the bread and it makes a big difference, just the tiniest little piece. The voices that you allow in to your relationship, make all the difference in the world, man.

And and I'm going with this There are two voices that should be at the top of your voices that you allow into your marriage. Now, there can be other voices, pastors, in-laws. Children, um mentors.

Mentors, yeah, very very true. But man, top of the list, the Lord And your spouse. Those are the ones.

So that's number one, number two, the voices that affect what happens in your marriage. Everything else, whatever's number three, way far down the list.

Brad:
So, Doug, the people boundary that that's so key, who'd you let into your life and good news? I mostly have narrowed it down just to online Uh is that good.

Anna:
We were talking about that uh just a little bit yesterday, just how um without realizing it, you are taking advice from people that you don't necessarily know. Um And you read everything on there on online social media and you just don't realize it, but it it is you're bringing into the marriage in between the what should be between a husband and a wife.

Doug:
That's so true. It's so funny when when when people are talking on social media and it's like uh you know that they're talking about their husband or their wife. You know, they're like they're like, I'm not going to say who this is, but this This guy forgot to do the dishes. He comes home late from work all the time.

Brad:
He shall remain nameless. And actually, you know where one big space for that is online. There's Facebook and Instagram and everything, but Reddit is a place where people go and they just kind of tell the anonymous stories.

I used air quotes if you're not watching on YouTube. The anonymous stories um where all of a sudden they're just they're explaining the situation and they're just getting all this feedback of so they ask the question What should I do? That goes back to what you were saying, Doug.

Who are you asking that about? What should I do? Are you starting with the Lord first?

And Look, I know that for a lot of people, the in-laws and friends categories are what really hit where it is like, man, you know, I am But I'm calling mom or dad every day and I'm get and here's what they say. And it's like, okay, getting input sometimes Is fine because you need healthy voices in your life. But here's my kind of litmus test here: the 1 Thessalonians 5.

11 test. Therefore, encourage one another and build one another up. Is the advice you're getting, is the input you're getting, is it about building people up and encouraging people, or is it about, yeah, you should have problems with that person because this is the list I have?

So I think it's really important to make sure the voices you do have, again, just our pastor says every marriage is a duet in need of great backup singers. Are your backup singers of your marriage? encouraging, yes, challenging, but challenging both of you, trying to be there for both of you, not just a sounding board for one.

Doug:
That's huge. How do you define what value making this list of people that you allow to speak into your relationship How do you define what value is in a voice? You got two B's for you.

What they're saying is biblical, and what they're saying supports you both. It's not just a you don't we want to go to the person that is on our side. So that's why sometimes the in-laws thing can get really tricky.

They gotta be on both your side. It's gotta be biblical. That's how you know that that's someone that I should be listening to.

But did so we get the we got the ladies here. Uh do you guys have I mean we've had we have some very good boundaries going on here. What do you guys

Sara:
have any uh thoughts here? I do actually. This one is uh another P. It's protective boundaries.

I bring it up because this one's a hard one for me. It's a hard one for me to accept Um, and I have a husband who protects me really, really well, really graciously, as far as allowing me a lot of space to be me, but also being really careful. And protective of me.

And I love that. I love when we walk down our safe little neighborhood down towards the little cul-de-sac. He always makes sure I'm walking on the sidewalk and he's walking on the street.

And it might seem a little bit silly, but In my heart, I know that what he's communicating is that he will give his life for me, that he will put himself between me in danger. Um and there are a lot of there are a lot of times in our lives when you do that, Brad, and and it means so much to me. But I had a moment couple weeks ago that really stood out to me.

I was on a road trip and you don't like when I go on road trips alone, so you're always making sure the car is extra not extra good and and you texted me to make sure the tire pump was in the car and all these things to make sure I was protected and safe. And then I just commented to a friend who was with me, Brad's probably checking to see where we are on the route right now. And my friend was shocked and was like, what that would not go over in my home.

my husband would hate to know if I was tracking him or knew where he was and and it was just a a really interesting comparison to me because I felt safe by that. I loved that you want to know I'm okay. You check, we check in on each other when whenever either of us is on trips just to see where we're at and just to be a part of each other's lives.

There shouldn't be fear. There shouldn't be um defensiveness in that. It's just part of just the safety within boundaries of knowing it's in love.

Brad:
I I appreciate you saying that and I did not pull up Find My at all. Um maybe twice.

Anna:
All right. So the other thing I I was going to mention was protecting our character as as wives.

Doug:
Yeah, um I think part of of um you feeling safe, part of me feeling safe, is knowing that whatever I know whatever I tell you. and prayerfully that you know this about me is going to stay safe with me. I'm not going to share it with my golf buddies.

Yep. Yep. Um I'm not going to put some anonymous post on social media that everyone knows.

Who I'm talking about. Um You have golf buddies. I'm going I'm sorry.

Brad:
I say I will not join you in your game I was curious if we can go back real quick. The so protecting your character as a wife or as a spouse, just generally, what r What do you mean by that? Like I I think I know, but I mean what do you mean by that?

Anna:
Just as Doug was saying, just sharing what we have uh uh that we talk about. by ourselves. That that it's it's not you're not sharing all the garbage or the the bad things about your husband, um the So you're not venting during ladies' nights or dudes' time. That's huge.

Doug:
See, venting feels so good. But but 1 Peter 5 7, there's a reason the Lord says, cast your cares on me. Let him be your sounding board.

Anna:
Yes.

Doug:
Um yeah, our our spouse has to know that they can trust us if um if if Anna is being um emotionally vulnerable with me about something or me with her. I don't get to decide whether that is a legitimate thing for her to be feeling emotional about. Um, that's part of of our spouse feeling safe.

Just go, I'm not gonna sit here and go, well, well, that that shouldn't be that, or that should be that. I just go, you know what? Part of Anna knowing that she is safe in this relationship is me going, that's legitimate, however you're feeling.

Let's explore that. If you roll your eyes, you always don't be so sensitive. You have just failed.

Yeah, that your spouse feeling safe.

Brad:
Feeling safe, you roll your eyes, roll them right back. Roll them right back. Colossians 3 19.

Husbands love your wives and do not be harsh with them. We love like Jesus. The other place you can go is 1 Corinthians 13, if you're looking for the love grid.

But we love like Jesus when we protect our spouse in how we speak, in what words we use. And in responding in love and gentleness. It's the fruit of the spirit again, too.

There's so much to guide us. So if there's ever a moment, and especially I'm saying to the men right now, if there's a moment that your wife does not feel safe Because of how you respond, you need to check yourself. You need to get right with the Lord and you need to talk to him about that because our spouse should always feel safe and protected.

And I want you to know, Sarah, Uh I know you feel this way too, Doug, with Anna, that I feel safe with you, that I feel like you're not gonna just be talking to everyone about what we talk about, but that it is uh our marriage is a protec protected airspace basically. Uh that's trust, man. Yeah.

Protected airspace. So there there are your uh The four beautiful boundaries, four beautiful boundaries in a marriage that we pray will help you have even a great Valentine's Day ahead, but beyond that, the foundations for what can be some maybe Boundaries that you're starting for the first time in marriage, maybe it's a reset or maybe that's just as an affirmation of what you're already doing. But regardless, we pray it's been an encouragement.

Doug:
This Valentine's Day, maybe take a look at that first Corinthians 13, um, that chapter on love, and just ask Lord, how am I doing here? How am I doing on keeping uh a record of wrongs? How am I Doing on being trustable and uh bring it to him. Sarah.

Anna:
And bring it to your wife or or or talk about it Yeah, okay, honey, I will.

Brad:
Sarah, Anna, thank you for joining us. Uh it's their favorite thing in the world, it is to be on mic and camera. Uh so thank you for doing this with us. We uh just love what God is doing. uh through just encouraging people to be ambassadors through this and you two were an encouragement to people today I truly believe so thank you so until next time from all of us here