A Make a Difference Marriage

Jesse:
Hey everyone, welcome back to the podcast. Today we have something special we'd like to share with you. Pastor Ted Cunningham joins Doug and Brad to discuss how to have a make-a-difference marriage, and we'd like to give you Ted's most recent book, A Love That Laughs, for free.

No strings attached. If you'd like a copy of A Love That Laughs, just send us an email with your address to gomadshow at hutchcraft. com and we'll send you a copy.

In today's podcast, Ted shares some powerful insights on marriage that you don't want to miss. So without further ado, let's go mad.

Brad:
Well welcome back everyone to Go Mad with Doug and Brad and we have got all of us back together after a couple of Travel times and everything. We've got Doug. Hello.

And Jesse. Hey. We are here together, and in just a few moments, we're gonna have a special guest joining us.

Ted Cunningham to take a look at how to have a make-a-difference marriage. But first, we we do want to thank you uh for just kind of uh plugging in, listening along with us.

Jesse:
And we want to thank you for leaving. Feedback and reviews that really helps us know how to help y'all best and it helps other people find the podcast and get plugged in. So please, if you haven't yet, subscribe. Leave a review, leave feedback, we'd love to hear from you.

Brad:
Yeah, and uh I will say that I would ask the question right now Doug, how did it go dropping the wall off at college? But I'm not going to because we don't have a half hour of just gentle sobbing time uh available for today. Um so have you ever seen a man cry hysterically for forty minutes straight? Yes, you.

Doug:
I've got a YouTube video. I am so excited about our guest today. He's an expert in family relationships and and even uh even uh things that might happen as you're growing up that might affect you and that's a especially why I'm really glad with Ted today as Valentine's Day is coming up.

I have to ask you guys if you've ever had this experience. Um I'm fairly certain this has affected me for the rest of my life. But it was like third grade, and our our uh Our teacher thought it would be a great idea.

Everyone was going to make their own little red Valentine's Day envelopes and you taped them onto your desk. And then she handed out a bunch of, you know, choo choo choose me type of those little cheesy Valentine's Day cards. and then you would fill them out and bring them around to whoever you wanted to hand them out to.

And what could possibly go wrong here? Um so I I am sitting next to uh this guy Bruce, who You're not supposed to be gorgeous in third grade. I don't know how this happened.

The guy had like a five o'clock shadow somehow as a uh as a third grader, a professional hair person. I don't he was he was just this great looking guy And I'm, you know, me. So they they uh uh start bringing them around and uh our teacher thought it would I guess think it would be especially funny to make things worse to have me sit right next to Bruce.

So I would see, I still remember, you know, you'd see these girls, third grade girls, coming by and they would, you know, put their uh little card in Bruce's envelope there and every time I saw another one coming I was like this one's gonna be for me right this one's gonna be for you Doug it's coming it's coming and and he ended up with about forty two of them And I think I had three and somehow one of them was from my mom and she wasn't even she wasn't even there in the classroom.

Brad:
So I'm not sure how that happened. Holy cow, that is awful. Wow.

Oh my goodness. Well, I have to tell you, we are heading into Love Month. I think they make sure now that uh that Everyone gets a Valentine because everyone gets an award.

We all get trophies. We all get Valentines.

Doug:
You know, we uh They made that a rule after what happened to me.

Brad:
Oh, no doubt. I'm excited to hear from Ted myself because uh I not only have Valentine's Day coming up, but Sarah's birthday is in February. And just a few days after Valentine's Day is our anniversary.

So I basically just buy our flowers each day of the week, each day of the month, because I'm afraid I'll miss something. So um I'm excited to hear from Ted. And to be able to learn, hey, how can I have a make-a-difference marriage as we head through the month?

Uh let me introduce you to Ted here for a second.

Doug:
And uh Ted is the founding pastor of the church we go to, Woodland Hills Family Church in Branson, Missouri. He and his wife, Amy, have been married for over 24 years. They've got two kids.

Ted's the author of Fun Loving You, Trophy Child, Young and In Love, and is the co-author of four books with Dr. Gary Smalley, including The Language of Sex. and from anger to intimacy. His most recent release is A Love That Laughs.

He's also hilarious. He's a comedian on the date night comedy tour and a frequent conference speaker at churches and events across the country. And he went to Liberty Univ Liberty Liberty University.

Brad:
He did, him and Toby Mack actually almost started a band. But then uh Toby Mac just went a different direction.

Doug:
And he and he went to Dallas Theological Seminary. May I add, just on a personal level, he has a killer beard.

Brad:
And he knows good pizza. He knows New York pizza is the best pizza there is. So New York City's the place to be.

Doug:
An amazing teacher. My dad loves listening to Ted, gets a lot out of his messages. My kids do, even though a couple of them are younger, they always connect. Tim and he's ministered to us personally um very many times. So I'm really excited he's on the show today.

Brad:
Let's welcome in Ted Cunningham. Ted, thanks for being with us.

Ted:
Hey, you two are a hoot. That's all I can start off with right there.

Doug:
Ted, so we we uh we talk about a lot on the podcast here how to be an ambassador for Christ. We're always representing him in everything that we do And uh, you know, we we live in obviously in a world uh families, friends, coworkers, um, teammates that are desperate for hope, that are desperate for Jesus, if we aren't him To those friends, those family members, who else is going to be? We are like plan A for the Great Commission.

There is no plan B. It's us, it's God's people. Um so s since we're heading into Valentine's Day, we wanted to talk to you a little bit about how to have this sounds insane if this is the first time you're listening, but how to have a mad marriage, an M A D a make a difference marriage. Um, you know, how how can we have a a s a stronger relationship with our husband or wife so we can be ambassadors of Jesus to to our kids, our neighbors, our friends, our co-workers Um so yeah, Ted, tell us what's on your mind.

Ted:
Yeah. You know, I I preparing for this immediately went to Something you've heard me say a bunch. I love sharing this, especially from Country Music Capital Branson, Missouri, that uh every marriage is a duet in need of great backup singers And we get that from the Song of Solomon chapter 1, verse 4, where the daughters of Jerusalem are singing over Solomon and the Shulamite woman Who are forming in chapter one their relationship.

Chapters one and two, they form the relationship. Chapter three, they get married. Chapter four, they go on a honeymoon.

Chapters 5 through 8, they're building faithfulness and commitment into the marriage. But the first time we hear from the daughters of Jerusalem in verse 4, they say, We rejoice and delight in you. We will praise your love more than wine.

And all of us need people in our lives that rejoice and delight and praise our love. But how do I rejoice, delight, and praise love? And I always start in Ephesians 5.

Um the New Testament is is clear as it talks about the roles of husband and wife in marriage. I always like to make that clear in Ephesians 5. It's not talking about the roles of men and women.

It's talking about the roles of husband and wife, meaning I don't apply this text. I've my wife is not called to submit to all men. That's not what Ephesians 5 is teaching and what the culture would kind of ask me to interpret this as.

And no, it's talking about husbands and wives. But in verse 32, Paul is very clear as he's talking about husband and wife and the relationship in the home, this submission issue that our culture doesn't like, but it's teaching a submission in which Wives submit to the leadership of their husbands, and husbands love their wives as Christ loved the church. It's why in verse 32 Paul says This is a mystery.

It's a great mystery. Speaking of Christ and the church. So when Paul's teaching on marriage, he's using Christ and the church.

And so the very first thing I want to make sure. For my marriage, as I know I am influencing other marriages around me, is I want to make sure my marriage models the gospel of Jesus. That's where it's stuck.

And I want to to represent in my marriage Christ and the church. I'm gonna say one more thing and then I'll let you guys jump in because I see I see Doug nodding. Uh you know, the the world would have me to believe that men don't need to lead in the home, that that women uh don't even need men.

And and they don't need to get married and I don't need a man in my life. And whenever I meet someone that really pushes back on me with that I I just I'm now starting to ask the question. Do you wanna a husband who gets up every day thinking about you and how to meet your needs and how to care for you and how to provide for you and how to put you first in his life.

You ask those questions and they'll be like, well, of course I would want that. And it's like, well, I I believe what we're talking about there. It's exactly what Ephesians 5 is talking about.

Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her. And and that's I heard one pastor say one time, it's it's in marriage it should be a race to the back of the line. You know, and I just I want I want Amy to know when I get up in the morning I'm thinking about her, I want to care for her, I want to provide for her, I want to protect her.

And I think when that's really working well in marriage, the world looks at that just as they're supposed to look at the church and see our love for one another and go, you know what, what's going on there? Jesus said, you'll be known. Like people will see this, and you will be known as my disciples by the way you love one another.

So number one, a great backup singer. models the gospel of Jesus in their own marriage.

Brad:
Ted, can I ask you real quick, that is so good. And I as a guys, sometimes we have a harder time showing uh what's a you know, what's a practical way I can love my wife. And obviously there's basic ones all around us, but can you give us what's one way that you have found in your life that you can practically show your love, the love of Christ, to Amy?

Ted:
So, you know, a lot of times we think it has to do with gifts and flowers and expressions like that, but it starts far simpler. And I'm not saying it's It's always easy. It's simple, not always easy.

But uh when I'm listening, I would say Amy represents a lot of ladies. When I am listening and understanding her, and validating her uh and she has my undivided attention because nothing comes across more unloving than when I'm distracted, wrapped up in myself um wanting my needs met, wanting to take care of me. And uh I can tell you listening to her for 15 minutes Eyeball to eyeball, face to face, distraction free, kid free, tech free is way more valuable than a dozen roses.

Brad:
That's huge. That's that's fantastic. Tech free. I like that one especially. That is uh Easy distraction there.

Doug:
Ted, I wanna ask you if you ever uh every now and then we'll get this actually just happened a couple months ago. I've been we're heading into our twenty seventh year of marriage. Anna and I And we had someone just send us a text and saying, Thank you for the example of your marriage.

It's it has it has shown me Jesus. And we're like, well, we don't really even know this person very well, but we talked about it some and we the only thing we can figure is that you're being observed when you are Uh, especially when people know you're a follower of Christ, you're you're being observed by others. And I find especially there's there's no other way around this.

We talk about being an ambassador. We are being observed first and foremost by our kids. And when we when we talk about this ambassadorship And, you know, we teach them the Bible uh stories, which is awesome, and we bring them to church, which we need to do, but they're Their first introduction and their strongest introduction to Jesus is going to be how we are treating each other as husband and wife.

So I just wanted to ask you: have you found that you've uh uh been your marriage has been observed by by others not in a in a weird way but just just uh and and does that affect how you How you guys live your life, but I especially uh about the kids because um I so desperately want to be an ambassador representative of Jesus to our three children Um, so how can we do that better so that they see him in us? So in the world when they're ready to talk about him. It doesn't they don't feel like they're talking to a stranger.

They go, Oh, well this is what I've seen in you all along. So that makes sense.

Ted:
Yeah, and so you know, our children see everything we do, they hear everything we say, they forget nothing.

Doug:
That's right.

Ted:
And then they repeat. And so yes, our children have a front row seat to our marriage. And so they're watching, listening, remembering, repeating. And it's one of my favorite questions to ask couples. Do you have a marriage worth repeating?

Doug:
Wow.

Ted:
Do you have a marriage you want your children to have? Now you asked Doug for a practical way, and here's a practical way that if you get into a little A little tiff in front of the kids, uh let them see you repair that. Now, that doesn't mean if there's a tiff and we have some more things we need to work out, that we do all that and you know, that's parentifying children.

We don't want to do that. But I I if I do need to go and Amy and I have a conversation for twenty, thirty minutes to work some things out My kids are most definitely gonna see an apology from me in front of them as well. I I've tried to get better at the apologies come quickly.

And remember when you give a good apology, don't don't demand Forgiveness immediately. Let there be time to process. But I think that's important.

If you're gonna model the gospel of Jesus, it doesn't mean I'm living a perfect life. There was one sinless man upon this earth, and it's not me. So part of that modeling for me is When you see me mess up or stumble, you're also gonna see me uh craft a good apology and deliver it as well.

So I I want my kids to see that Amy and I keep short accounts Uh we don't have, you know, long periods of time around the house with the you know the cold shoulder you know, or the silent treatment. Uh we want our kids we want our kids to see mom and dad are are forgiving one another. I mean what is oh Colossians is Clear, right?

You know, forgive as God has forgiven you in Christ Jesus. So when they see that forgiveness, they understand that oh okay, I'm not perfect either. And I've been forgiven and I need to be reminded of that.

So I think that's one way we practically model the gospel to our kids.

Doug:
I absolutely love that. I I remember blowing the mind of my she's now a uh college student, but she uh Noelle was uh probably about six years old and I had um had a wonderful display of patience um over something that didn't go my way. And by wonderful I meant I raised my voice and kind of acted like an idiot.

Um, we don't really I mean I uh Anna and I don't Anna's my wife's name, we don't, you know, yell and scream at each other, but I I did get more upset than I should have. about something and I kinda was quiet about it, sulked about it a little bit. And I remember just An hour later, being like, you know, your daughter, Doug, is she's going to be looking for a guy one day, and she's going to base that on who you are.

She's going to base that on what how did how did my dad treat my mom? That's how I can expect to be treated. That's a and so if it's a bad example then she might be okay with the guy that is not right for her.

And so I'm praying it's a Christ-like example. But I went into her room And I remember telling her, um, saying, honey, I have to tell you something. I've apologized to your mommy, I've and I'm apologizing to you right now that I acted that way.

And she just she just goes, I'll never forget this, in her tiny little six-year-old voice, are you saying you did something wrong, Daddy? I was like, yeah, yeah, honey. And and she goes, Well, I forgive you.

And and that was one of the most powerful moments I've ever had with my daughter. So that just really resonates with me what you said about being uh modeling forgiveness to uh what better way is there to be an ambassador for Christ in your marriage

Brad:
And Ted, you mentioned uh circling back to what you were saying before, as we're talking about one way is to model forgiveness and to live out Jesus for your spouse in your marriage. I think you mentioned the word delight before, that that was a another uh another uh aspect of kind of a make-a-difference marriage of the backup singers uh side of this. Talk to us about that.

Ted:
Yeah, so delighting, you know, if you think of how the Lord delights in us and we delight in him in that relationship. And you know this is my passion for marriage and family and marriage is Ecclesiastes 9-9 in Enjoy life with your wife whom you love all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun, all your meaningless days, for this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun. That we sometimes lose sight of how couples should be enjoying one another.

Amen. God didn't give you your spouse to be the grind. He gave you your spouse to go through the grind with.

Marriage isn't gonna take away the hills and valleys. from my life, I'm still gonna go through difficult times and challenging times and I'm grateful to have someone to go through that with. When I become a Christian I don't lose adversity.

I don't lose challenges. I'm called to rejoice in trials. Why?

Because I can go through a trial knowing He is with me. And I don't know why in the church we've lost that idea of marriage. If marriage is a great mystery That represents Christ and the church.

I can go through these last two years of struggle Not wavering in my faith one bit, knowing that Christ hasn't changed. He's the same yesterday, today, and forever. And I'm just trying to figure out why Why don't we see that in marriage today?

Like why aren't we telling people that more in marriage? You are going to have extreme challenges and difficulties in your life. and you need to be rejoicing and delighting in the spouse that you have, someone to go through this with.

Brad:
You know, Ted, if I can say real quick on that, it is uh it's amazing too because so often Doug and I talk about this a lot where we You see all these TV shows, all these sitcoms that are uh so many of the laughs are predicated on, hey, man, my wife. I tell ya, I I d just the problems I have and and the bickering and everything else.

Doug:
Ball and chain. I hate those jokes.

Brad:
Yeah, and I love the what you uh teach and what Doug and I really strive for in our marriages, Jesse does as well, that we w this should be enjoyable. This should be something that when you have got Christ at the center of your marriage that you should be able to, yes, there there's bumpy spots and everything, but you still have Christ in the center, so you can make it through those and you should have fun together. I I would say one of the bet one of the favorite things that the church did was when you guys said hey, you know what, we're doing that fifty two dates in twenty fifteen.

You did fifty two and fifteen and challenging couples Go out, date each other, have fun together, be creative together. And that was a huge spark for Sarah and me personally, was just, hey, you know what? That's right.

It's not just we do a lot of ministry together. We love doing life together. But to remember, hey, you can have fun.

You can have a lot of fun along the way as well. So I love, I love that point.

Doug:
Ted, there's there's someone listening to this right now who is hearing something like delight yourself in your your husband, your wife, and they're going This is hopeless. I I've never been further from that in my marriage. And they don't feel like there's any hope.

They feel like they've tried everything. We can't possibly go over everything that that we could do to to start to heal that. But Ted, is is there one step That you could think of that you could share with us that would be one step towards a healing of a marriage that is um Is uh couldn't be further from delighting themselves in one another.

Ted:
Yeah. Uh the very first step is take personal responsibility for your own heart, your own life. And The one thing we know and we've seen time and time again is it typically only takes one spouse to turn a marriage around.

That's from marriage 911 to the marriage intensive program at Folks on the Family that we champion and support and send countless couples to over the last 20 years. It typically only takes one spouse to turn a marriage around, meaning if you'll take personal responsibility And own what you're bringing to the marriage. And you begin making changes.

And you begin focusing on what you can change rather than waiting for your spouse to change. You may be waiting a lifetime. But if you will start to take ownership of that, and when you seek the Lord each day, it doesn't start with change him, change her.

It starts with change me Because you probably have so much confirmation bias going on right now where you you you believe a lot of lies. You believe He won't change, she won't change, um, or he's changed, she's changed, and can never go back to what it was, or I can never experience a marriage. You know, that I've always dreamed of.

If you have that belief, you're gonna get up every day and look for the evidence to back that up. But if you get up every day and say, Lord, change me, change my heart, and you begin to ask him to change you, and you start being Jesus to your wayward your disconnected your um distant spouse and again I'm not talking and I always have to make this clear I'm not talking to Any spouse right now that's in an abusive situation. I'm not I'm if you're in an abusive situation, you need to find safety and you need to find a church that will help you find safety.

Uh I'm talking about just that Drifting, disillusioned, disconnected marriage. Change me. You can pray for the Lord to change your spouse's heart, but don't let that be your first prayer The first prayer is you.

Brad:
Ted, I would love to just say if there's something you would say in closing to couples out there, and what I'd love to ask you to do Would you be willing to pray for those that are listening to this, whatever you'd want to share to wrap up, but also just pray for Uh those that are listening, we really love to be able to encourage people that hey, we're not just here to throw information your way, but we really are praying for those who are plugging in.

Ted:
Yeah. And I would say that, you know, the other side of this that's a key to enjoying life and marriage and delighting in one another is You know, it depends on factors and skills couples can do something about in any season or stage of life. Don't get wrapped up in the season or stage.

Because the reality is life is a grind. We've been in a season right now as a nation and in the world of a pandemic. As hard as I try, I can't get us out of a pandemic.

I can do my part in it, but I can't get us out of it Stage of life. If you have a three, a five, and a seven-year-old. I can't get you out of that.

You're you're gonna tune out on this broadcast or this podcast, and you're still gonna have a three, a five, and a seven-year-old. We have fallen for this lie That says, we'll enjoy life together in the next season or stage. It awaits us there.

Uh one British psychologist coined that uh destination addiction. Right? We're just gonna we're just gonna wait for it.

And that's we get so caught up in that. Don't don't wait for it and don't don't sit here and fight and be mad against maybe a difficult season you're in. or a challenging stage of life that you're in.

Instead, focus on the factors and skills that lead to high levels of marital satisfaction. We've talked about a couple of them today, but there's many more and I'd love to come back and talk about you know, quality time, uh, prioritizing marriage in the home, eradicating the kids-centered home. I mean, there's so many factors and skills that we can do something about.

in any season or stage, whether you've been married a year or whether you're married 25, 50 years. Let's not, I just, too many couples want practical strategies out of the season or stage. And if anything, we've learned in the last couple years, we are powerless over the season, you know, that we are in.

And so I'm not I'm not spending my time coming up with strategies to get out of it. I'm coming up with the strategies to work through the factors and skills that I know work.

Brad:
That's good. That's so good. Well would uh and I would encourage before we pray here, I would just encourage everyone, honestly go to Amazon, go to wherever you buy books, put in Ted Cunningham.

And he did not ask us to say this. I can just tell you that his books will be a practical help for you, especially some of the things to help you enjoy life together. And some practical steps, some challenging things.

uh to help bring you to a deeper level with one another and to ultimately help get you closer to Jesus. So go to Amazon, plug in Ted Cunningham, and uh just click buy now. Uh and uh it's you'll it'll be worth The uh you know I think it's no more than fifty, sixty bucks a book.

No, uh it's really they are they are very affordable and I would encourage you to check those out. Ted would you be willing to pray for for those listening right now?

Ted:
Would love to Father, we are grateful for this time and encouraged by Jesse Doug Brad and just uh the work you've called him to continue to use this uh podcast to reach many uh listeners but uh not just not just for information but truly lives can be transformed through it and Uh we pray for the couples that are listening right now or the spouse uh listening alone right now, trying to figure out how they can get their spouse to listen to this, but instead of coming up with strategies for their spouse, uh, that they would start Right where they are, bow before you and pray, taking responsibility for their heart and life before you. that they would repent in areas they need to repent, uh that they would show love uh in areas that they know where it's been lacking. And uh that they would just just rest in knowing that you are the source, Satan is the enemy And if they will see their spouse as a companion, not the source and not the enemy, uh, that they can experience great uh joy together.

They can delight in one another and enjoy life together. We pray for the healing of many marriages. Pray for the spouse right now that That knows there's an enemy in his or her marriage, but that they would know that that enemy is not their spouse.

And that they would put on the full armor of God. And that they would stand against the devil's schemes and not allow their marriage to continue and drift, disillusionment, uh, disconnection. And so we ask for every couple, every spouse listening right now, that you would cover them in the blood of Jesus, protect them from evil, and fulfill your purpose in their lives.

And it's in the authority of the name of Jesus that we pray it. Amen.

Brad:
Amen. Amen. Well, Ted, thank you again for being part of this.

It means a lot to us. Thank you to all our listeners who keep tuning in. We pray that you are Learning more and more how to go mad.

And I would just say, until next time from Jesse and Doug and Brad, go mad!