5 Keys for a Stronger Marriage (Co-host: Sara Hutchcraft)

Jesse:
Welcome back to GoMad with Doug and Brad, minus Doug. Plus Sarah. Yes, Doug is out today, but Brad's wife Sarah is co-hosting with Brad, and honestly, Brad seems totally fine with it.

Doug, if you're listening, I'm sure Brad misses you greatly. We'll see you next time. Brad and Sarah discuss five communication keys to strengthen your marriage.

If you're not married, that's okay. These keys work in pretty much any relationship that you may have. So let's get to it and go mad.

Brad:
Welcome everyone to a brand new episode of Go Mad with Doug and Brad. Jesse Doug's not here, is he? Look through the glass here. Who do you see around the table right now?

Jesse:
Well, I see a not a not Doug.

Brad:
Not Doug. It's I'm gonna I'm gonna venture out there and say someone that is better looking. Than Doug. By a lot. I mean a lot.

Sara:
You better hope Doug's not listening.

Brad:
Oh no, he'll hear it. Um that's uh this is uh my wife Sarah is joining us for today's episode. Now, if you're here listening in, we want you to know we're gonna be talking about Five mad keys for a healthier marriage, especially communicating in marriage. And uh Sarah has told me what those are.

Sara:
So she's actually I gave him a script

Brad:
Sarah, thank you for being on the episode with us say you you love this. You love just My favorite. Now I was wondering Wait. Jesse, are you hearing anything in the audio?

Jesse:
Yes, yes, I am, Brad.

Brad:
What What is it? What do you what do you think that I cause we should clean that up real quick?

Jesse:
We did establish before that there's I can see through I can actually see what you're doing. Yeah, yeah. It might be the hammer that You have in your hand you're hitting a nail with a hammer.

Brad:
Oh you do see that.

Jesse:
I hear it and I see it and there we go. There we go. Yep, I was correct.

Brad:
So do you know why I'm doing this, Jesse? It's because I figured a good visual aid on an audio podcast was the way to go. Is that uh so Sarah, what do you do with a hammer?

Sara:
You hit things.

Brad:
You hit things. Why do you hit things? You build. You build things with a hammer, but what else do you do with a hammer? What else can a hammer do?

Sara:
Hammers break things also.

Brad:
All right So I have this hammer in my hand and it is great for building things. Not so much in my hand. Sarah could attest to that.

I'm not necessarily building great things with a hammer, but It can build a lot of things, but a hammer can also break things. I'm gonna show you by taking this to the microphone right now. Wait Yeah.

That's probably a bad idea, isn't it? Do what you need to do, Brad. So this hammer can both build up and destroy.

And that is what we're going to be focusing on today, the fact that our words can both build up and destroy and tear down. And we've got a theme verse that's going to guide us through today. Sarah, you got that for us?

Sara:
Ephesians 4. 29. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up, that it may benefit those who listen.

Brad:
Man, what a powerful verse, a great communication verse, a great marriage verse. And we're gonna dive into these five keys. Now we're gonna try to do this in just about 20 minutes here.

Uh so you just stick with us and we we really do hope that this will be an encouragement to you. Now you may be sitting there saying, I am not married, and I don't know if I'm gonna be married or I was in a marriage and now I'm not, and so don't I was about to say touch that dial. I do that sometimes and no one's listening to this on radio.

No one even knows what the dial is anymore. Stay tuned. There we go, so stay tuned.

Because, yes, for marriages, these are keys that we find that uh is represented in the way that Christ loves the church and how he deals with us, which marriage is supposed to be a reflection. of that, our roles in marriage, how we talk with each other, how we treat each other marriage. But these are also very practical life points for how you can communicate in any relationships with your parents, with your siblings.

with friends in other maybe dating relationships. So don't feel like this is just for married couples, even if we're talking mostly about that today. These are tips we trust will be an encouragement to you, whoever you are.

So are you ready?

Sara:
I'm ready. Scripture says a lot about how the hardest Part of self-control is the tongue. And like Brad said, this isn't just in marriage. This is with everybody we know, everybody we love. people we don't even know, how we communicate is an important thing to practice.

Brad:
All right, so here we go. Five mad keys for healthier marriages and healthier marriage communication. The first one You're gonna be shocked by this.

It matters what we say. Do you think that's true, Sarah? Do you find that's true in your own life when I'm sharing with you, when we're communicating at home Does it matter what we say?

Sara:
No, it does.

Brad:
It does.

Sara:
The words that come out of your mouth do matter.

Brad:
It's almost like our theme verse touches on that. It's the I one of the things that really gets me every time we look at that verse is do not let it's not just unwholesome talk. It's that any word that gets me. It is that do not let Any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth. So it is supposed to be every word is guarded in our lives

Sara:
And I'm just now noticing it says don't let it come out of your mouth. It might be there, it might be in your mouth, but don't let it come out

Brad:
That's kind of funny. I haven't actually thought that it's like there's this guard. There's a supposed to be this stop between your brain and your mouth. And let's face it The goalie move sometimes and uh we're like, oh my goodness, that one got past me.

Sara:
Sometimes it depends on how much coffee I've had in the morning.

Brad:
That's why I try not to talk too much before that time. After, you know, twenty plus years of marriage. I've learned it just yeah, just wait till the coffee kicks in.

Um The and the reality is that when you think of what we say, what this verse tells us is only what is helpful for building others up. So we're supposed to speak encouragement to each other. We're supposed to speak words of honor.

Sarah, on a previous podcast, we talked about the honor list. Can you tell folks what is that if in case they miss that? Uh well if you missed that, go back and listen to all the episodes.

You'll find it. Uh no, I I mean it it's in uh one of the marriage episodes, but I'll tell you this, it is a very important concept, the honorless.

Sara:
What is this? It's one of the best tools I've discovered in our marriage and and uh other relationships as well. When somebody does something that you like, take note of it.

Take mental note. But don't just leave it at, oh that was cool or that was nice. Write it down and then go a step further and tell them.

You can tell them in the moment. You can go on a date and read the honor list to them. It's an amazing tool when um when you're frustrated, when you're upset, when somebody has done that thing for the tenth time that you've asked them not to do.

Look at the honor list and say how important is that thing compared to all these amazing character qualities of my spouse or this person that I love? And it just helps give you perspective.

Brad:
Yeah, and I think uh when you look back at that list in those times of frustration helps reset your focus without even if you're not saying them at that time to just read them yourself and have a reminder of wow, this is it matters what I say because This person means this. And the reality is, is that we are each white, we are have intrinsic value because we are creation of the Most High God. We are his sons and daughters.

And so we should be saying the right things to each other. We should be speaking words of high honor over each other. And I will add this another w what you say thing that matters is we've talked about Fonzi uh on this episode probably every episode and uh it is uh how he is uh how he has a hard time saying he was wrong Say you're sorry.

Admit when you're wrong. That matters to be able to say that to someone. And by the way, on the honor list, we have no excuse anymore because we always have a phone with us where we can write things down as they hit us.

One other thing that's important to say to each other is just those three words, I love you. Don't assume that you've said it once so they know it forever. Just make sure you say it and you mean it, even if you're not always feeling it.

You know you love this person and it's important for them to hear that.

Sara:
Right now I'm seeing the grinch when he starts to cry when his heart has grown and he says, I'm leaking. We leak. We need to be reminded. We need to be encouraged and poured into to fill us back up again.

Brad:
That's right. All right. So key number two.

Key number one here is it matters what we say. The second one, and if you're wondering here, these are all tips to help us to be better Christ's ambassadors in our lives, in our marriages, in our homes, in our relationships. And that's what we're all about here.

is helping people know that how can I be a better make-a-difference ambassador in my everyday life. So key number two is it matters when we say it. So it matters what we say, and it matters when we say it.

I can tell you this, that three words that stick out to me, these are grab a pen, these are gonna be the most m memorable words you've ever written down. Read the room and I'm talking mostly to the men, all right? Read the room guys.

It where it is like man, you all of a sudden you're like, Oh, I'm I gotta say this and I'm gonna say it right now and All of a sudden we're not even considering the feelings of our spouse. We're not considering the feelings of the wife that God has given us, has blessed us with. And to be able to just say, You know what?

I need to not just know what to say, but I need to know when to say it. When is the right time? If you're coming home from work And all of a sudden you see that the kids have pulled out half the hair, that there's paint on the walls, that there's all these different things.

Probably not the right time to say, honey, what's for dinner? That's probably read the room, man. Read the room.

Sarah, to the ladies who are listening, uh any encouragement you would give them in this?

Sara:
Well try to remember y a lot of us if we're at home we're talking to little kids all day and we're grateful to have a grown human to speak with. Um, if we're working, we're there there's a lot of things that we want to communicate to our spouse and usually that happens the second he walks in the door. And he's unpacking still from a long day at work or whatever he's been doing and has a lot of things going on in his heart and mind as well.

So exactly what Brad said. Read the room, look in his eyes, see each of us just take a breath Reconnect. When it's time to talk about things, we can talk about things, but we don't need to unleash on each other immediately as soon as a thought hits our mind.

Um just wait for the right time when it can be received well.

Brad:
Yeah, three tips I would give you for matters when we say it. Not when you're both exhausted, not when you're feeling overly frustrated, and not when you're emotionally amped up and angry. Psalm 44 talks about this.

Do not sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent. I love this because someone pointed out a different version to me.

I grew up with a memorizing, don't let the sun go down while you are angry. And people are like, well, I gotta get this off my chest before I go to bed then. But that's not actually when you read the verse, it is Think about it overnight and remain silent.

Sara:
Wow.

Brad:
If you are amped up, if you're angry, if you're frustrated about something Take time on your bed before the Lord to quiet your heart, hear from him, remain silent and listen to him before you speak. What you feel God is putting on your heart to share. Does that make sense?

Is that good? All right. Um, and then uh key number three, what we what where are we going next, Sarah?

What is the third key? To just make a difference marriage communication.

Sara:
It matters how we say it. You can say the same thing in so many different tones and communicate a world of difference.

Brad:
You know what? Actually, it's kind of funny. The how we say this just hit me that we do this game where uh we have uh some of the young people we work with will choose Three of them from uh the crowd and we give them a sentence uh and they just read from the card and we say, okay, read it angry, read it romantic.

Read it frustrated, whatever it is. Uh and it's read it joyful. And it is so funny because you hear the different tones and people in the room crack up because There's these different ways of saying the same thing and it matters how we say it.

We have this thing uh that Sarah and I sometimes, okay. I'm guessing Jesse won't need to uh intervene here. Actually, Jesse, let me ask you this.

Um between you and Tara, uh, you guys have a great marriage. I W who likes it at which temp in the house? So what's your what's your kind of ideal temp range in the house, Jesse?

Jesse:
Yeah, 68. All right. Whoa.

And then Tara Arizona degree. It does. No, it it really it does.

Sara:
So So this is about to turn into a marriage therapy session. I'm just we may need Jesse here.

Brad:
Um but the the reality is is that we are we we have in our house the thermostat and it depends who is at home. We we race in the door after we get home to see who it's kinda like people people call shotgun go into a car. We don't go into the thermostat. It's just it's shotgun, I get it. Um but there's a range of about Seventeen to twenty degrees between Sarah and Wow.

Sara:
I I did grow up in Africa.

Brad:
She grew up in hot, humid rainforest Africa. But okay, that may be a little bit much, but I'd probably be in that sixty-eight, sixty nine.

Sara:
Maybe we need to add a a a separate note just about exaggerating.

Brad:
So it's like a seventy-five fine? I'm like, it's not. Uh but but so we we find A uh mix and match there.

Um in other words, what that means is I sneak and turn it down a couple degrees when I can. But um so but the reality is you have the thermostat and you have a thermometer in your house. Yes.

The thermometer is reading the temperature. The thermostat is setting the temperature. That is what we're talking about.

It matters how you communicate because you should be the thermostat. You should be the one that is saying, you know what? I am not going to be reactive.

I'm going to set the temperature in each situation, and that's going to be my role. For if both the husband and the wife are doing that. Man, all of a sudden you have a home where you're looking out for each other and you're being careful with how you say things because you don't want to all of a sudden escalate the temp to some crazy seventy five degrees in the house.

That would be ridiculous. That's outrageous.

Sara:
All right. So yeah Proverbs 151 says a gentle answer turns away wrath But a harsh word stirs up anger. When when my kids were little, and w anybody who's been around a lot of little kids knows how they mirror each other with their volume.

Sometimes it's just the volume that can cause us to feel tense and I would sometimes respond with a whisper. And it was amazing how sometimes their entire demeanor would change and relax when they had to draw close and be like, What did you say? And I would say it quietly again and everything would change in the whole house if I could respond and get them to mirror that instead of Raising each other each other's voices.

Brad:
Here's a great question, I think, uh, to ask. Obviously, men and women have differences. Shocker there, but the reality is we can all each learn about each other.

And learn how to treat each other the right way. So here's a good question. How does what you are saying and how you say it reflect that person's value as both your spouse and as a child of God?

How are the words you're saying? So we talked about what you say and how you say it, there are two key things because they go together. And you need to be making sure that Your words are not words that are unwholesome and tearing down, but that you are using your words to be like that hammer that builds up instead of tearing down to use it.

Use your words. Use your words for that purpose.

Sara:
And the second part of that Ephesians 4 passage says that it may benefit those who listen. We've all been on the other end of hearing a argument between a spouse or encouraging words. And what does that do to your spirit? And so we can communicate a lot to other people just based on how we speak to each other.

Brad:
Last thing on how we say it, one of the worst things that uh there is in communication in marriages and just between friends and family is passive aggressive. Don't be passive aggressive in your words. It's so hard to uh navigate around that sometimes, but those words can hurt.

That tone can hurt. And you know if you're one of those folks that goes to that more often. So don't be passive aggressive.

Talk directly to each other. It's easy to fall back into that trap. Make sure you're directly communicating with each other in a healthy way.

All right, key number four. Key number four is it matters who you are saying it to. And this one's gonna go pretty quick.

It's really straightforward here. But Sarah, why does it matter? Who who should we be communicating with?

Sara:
If you have something to communicate, maybe try communicating to the person.

Brad:
Wait, that the person that you want to communicate with. Whoa. I mean this is mind blowing.

Sara:
This You don't need to call your mom. You don't need to go to Instagram or Reddit or Facebook.

Brad:
Wow. Okay.

Sara:
So You don't need to call your neighbor up the street and complain about your husband.

Brad:
Yeah, it it's really true. We need to communicate with each other, not social media, communicate with each other, not family and friends primarily and communicate with each other, not children you may have together. That's a huge one.

Sara:
It really is.

Brad:
That parents try to get their children to take sides. Your children are never to be weapons against a spouse. They are never to be caught in the middle of some poor communication that you are having.

So even if your husband or your wife does that, do not go to that level. Do not engage in that. It's up to you what choices.

you make. And yes, there are times you may need to talk to someone else whether it is, hey, we need to go talk to a counselor together, our pastor Whoever it may be to get words of advice, but we're talking about here is generally speaking, make sure you are communicating with the person that you need to be talking with first and foremost.

Sara:
And I think that's a really huge point you made, Brad, is own responsibility for your own words. Don't don't go to the you made me feel this way. line of thinking or communicating because you're still responsible for your feelings. You're responsible for what you speak out and what you put out into the world.

Brad:
All right, so we've gotten through four keys so far to recap where we're at before Sarah gives us key number five is it matters what we say, it matters when we say it, it matters how we say it. And it matters who you are saying it to. So the final key that we've got for today.

These are just five. There's more than this, but five make a difference. Marriage communication keys.

What is it?

Sara:
It matters why you are saying it. Do you actually need to say it or are you just venting and spewing a bunch of poison into someone else's life?

Brad:
It's really true. So why we say it? So when you think about that, am I saying it because I need to say it and something important to communicate or just something that I want to say.

That I man, I need to be able to get this off my chest. What a phrase that is. I need to be able to get off my chest.

It is there's selfishness involved in that a lot of times because we're not thinking about the other person in that. Yes, we need to communicate the frustrations. We need to communicate the things we are feeling.

There needs to be this open dialogue, but it just needs to be something that is not unwholesome talk. That is helpful for building the other person up. If you're sitting there saying, yeah, what I'm gonna say is helpful because it will stop doing this.

Guess what? That is that is the hammer, not Used for building up. That is never for tearing down.

Sara:
As you were saying that, Brad, what popped into my head was Jesus saying, Cast all your anxieties, all your burdens on me. And he can hold it, he can carry it, he has ultimate, unlimited capacity. And you're right, we do need to communicate with each other.

If I'm struggling, you need to know it. And I need to be able to communicate that to you. But Why am I why am I telling it to you?

Do I expect you to fix all my problems? Do I expect you to make it go away? Or do I just want to get all of this out and then all of a sudden you have to carry it?

It.

Brad:
Sarah, that's really important, actually. And we won't uh we'll add a uh uh key five B um or four B, I guess it'd be who you're saying it to. Um make sure you are bringing all these things to Jesus first and foremost.

If you have not Talked with him about whatever stressful or frustrating situation first. Talk to him stop first. He should be your first stop on the way to communicating.

with your spouse, with any relationship, friendship, family. Bring Jesus into the conversation and then pray to him on your own and pray together before you start talking. Don't make it a loaded prayer.

Just ask for prayer for peace and for God to guide your conversation in these things. So thank you for pointing that out. It's really important.

Sara:
That's probably one of the most powerful things you've done in our marriage is when I am in a stressful situation or am hurt or am struggling and I share it with you, when you turn with me to prayer and bring it to Jesus, it speaks to me that you know And you care about what's going on with me, but you care enough to bring it to the one who can ultimately heal.

Brad:
Thank you for sharing that, Sarah. I I want to be someone who is better at learning how to communicate each and every step of the way because even over the years our needs change and we should be looking out for how can we encourage someone through our words, our spouse through our words. Knowing how God wants us to communicate with each other, using Ephesians 4.

29 as a key verse that you Post in different places in your bedroom around your home so it is a reminder for you of how we are to communicate Man, that is such a key to follow what the scriptures say, what the Bible says. You mentioned the Bible at the beginning. That should be our guidebook for how we're communicating with each other, how our marriage is shaped.

how we're treating each other. And then as we've talked about in other episodes, that will filter down to your children for they will see what you are doing. They will see the model you have.

And that is much more likely to be replicated in their lives and their marriages going forward.

Sara:
Children model what they see and experience more than what you tell them. This is what you should do. But if you're not showing it to them, they're not gonna replicate it nearly as much.

Brad:
Well we hope that these five make a difference marriage keys. have been really helpful to you and that they'll help you on the road, Ed. Sarah, thank you so much for filling in for Doug this week and we'll look forward to having back in the studio next time.

But I would love having you here each episode. So sorry, Doug. So from all of us to all of you, until next time, go mad.