When the Holidays Hurt: Finding Hope (with Ron Hutchcraft)

Doug:
Hey everybody, welcome to Go Mad with Doug and Brad. That is not go mad with Doug and Brad today. It's Go Mad with Doug and Dad.

Brad um is lost somewhere to a turkey coma. Um from what I understand. We're recording this right after uh Thanksgiving No, really, he's he's out uh bringing his daughter back to college.

He thought that might be important to get her back to her classes. today. I'll get to that in just a second.

Well today we're talking about Christmas, yes, but the fact that there's so much Um, grief and suffering that is felt so profoundly during the holiday season. Uh yeah, time of parties, festivities, joy, celebration. I read a statistic today though that almost 40% of people are dreading the holidays.

Two out of five people because of the hurt, the grief. That they think it's going to dredge up. What's going on?

Why are so many feelings so conflicted at Christmas? And maybe not only in dealing with the loved one passing away, which is awful, but maybe Maybe it's a fun a financial loss. Maybe you're grieving uh a struggling child or a grandchild.

Maybe it's bad news from the doctor. Whatever it is today is for everybody. There is someone here that is an expert on hope when your heart is breaking.

He actually wrote a book called That, which is one of the most profound books I have ever read about grief and healing, and not just because he's my dad. But dad, thank you for being here. I gotta ask you, do you do you remember there was a time I was thinking back uh to a Christmas that you were hurt pretty significantly, but this was in a little different way at Christmas.

Do you remember this?

Ron:
Yeah, it was all your fault. Um I'll tell you I got you guys a nice NFL regulation hard We went from nerf to the real stuff. This is let's go out and use this thing.

So we're out in the street in front of our house and um and I went out to be, you know, wide receiver Well, I was wide, uh, but not much of a receiver. Wide fingers, if I'm always the wide part. And uh and uh I caught it On the end of my finger.

Yeah, that was really cool. I loved I love being I'm glad all the photographers were there. And uh so Uh I had a wonderful Christmas day in the emergency room.

And of course I was joined by others. So I was there quite a while. And I will uh tell you the bottom line uh is this that Broken at Christmas is hard.

And not just if it's a broken finger, especially if it's a broken heart. And there are a lot of those at this time of year. And it's a little hard to feel joy to the world when you've got hurt in your heart.

And all the stuff going on around you, the lights and the celebration and the joy and all of that and you're really hurting because of something, whether it's a broken relationship or could be marriage, a broken child, or most most of course, worst of all, is that you have literally lost a mate your mate or a child, somebody very, very close to you. And all of that is is elevated by this time of year because The highs are high and higher than any other time of the year, which means if you're low, it mean it just the contrast in itself makes you feel even lower.

Doug:
The uh this dueling joy and sadness of Christmas. It's not a new thing. Um actually one of my favorite uh Christmas songs is called I Heard the Bells. Um written in in uh at Christmas eighteen sixty four. Here's your little history lesson.

Ron:
I don't remember that person.

Doug:
Do you remember Henry Wadsworth Longfellow? If that's not the name of a poet, I don't know what is But he wrote one of my favorite Christmas songs called I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day. Uh he actually wrote it if you don't know this in in some of the darkest days of the Civil War.

um that of course divided a nation, was bathing our nation in blood. He he knew now he knew that the Christmas angels they had announced, okay, that that Jesus' birth would bring peace on earth But the battlefield was singing another song. So he writes these lyrics.

Remember this profound stuff. And in despair, I bowed my head. There is no peace on earth, I said, for hate is strong and mocks the song of peace on earth, good will to men.

Now he had also suffered so much personal loss. He lost his wife at a young age in a terrible accident. His son was almost paralyzed by an injury during the Civil War.

No wonder he's feeling so much despair at Christmas and Dad the reality is many people listening here are as well or know someone who is So Dad, that's what I really wanted to ask you. Why is what is it about this season? Why is grief so magnified more this time of year?

Ron:
Oh, I think uh it's a time of year when hearts are more tender probably than any other time of the year. You know, where there's a giving thing and uh there's a lot of m you know, very tender movies on TV and so on So you're you're already in a tender hearted uh season and then there's it's a it's a nostalgic time. It's a time of memories, you know, putting v ornaments on the tree, you know, we just did it the other day and it was Those are memories attached to those.

And a lot of those memories are your mom and my wife, the love of my life. who uh who I I don't have here to be with me at Christmas and hasn't been for the past c several years and That loss is still very, very real. And at Christmas time, you know, she was the Queen of Christmas.

So, you know, you really she's very missing this time of year. So tender hearts and then the contrast between everybody else feeling so joyful and you just can't get there emotionally the memories that are part of this time of year. Um i i y and and because everybody else is celebrating, I guess if there's a sense of loneliness and and uh aloneness, it would even be intensified this time of year because There they're someplace I can't get.

Doug:
Wow. You know I remember um a Christmas where I I just gotten married And um a few months prior, and um we were in Vermont having an amazing uh Christmas um uh fest. It was just so it was beautiful.

There was Uh the pl the town was decorated to the nines. We were in a a hotel that had just incredible Christmas Victorian everything. It was but beautiful memory.

And um and I'll never forget the um the knock on the door. I remember where I was in the room. I remember where Anna was in the room, as long ago as this was.

And uh you coming in and and and sharing with me that that my closest friend, one of my closest friends from high school had taking his own life and um because of a lot of a lot of despair that he had. And and it at that time of year. chose to do that.

Um, Dad, I I know that uh your family suffered a a terrible tragedy when when you were very young. Can you Do you mind sharing a little bit about that?

Ron:
Yeah, you know, uh I was a a little guy and uh I got a baby brother and his name was Steven. And uh he was always smiling, you know. He was uh I mean, I think he was born smiling and every picture of him he's got a big smile.

And uh but when he was about six months old, all I remember Uh, 'cause I was four and I but I remember this vividly. Uh this this all of a sudden scurrying around our apartment late at night to woke me up. My my grandma's gonna rush me off to her house.

I remember my parents having Stephen all bundled up and uh and and uh running out of the, you know, just in a panic, uh out of the out of the apartment. I never saw him again. because he didn't even survive the night.

And the doctors back then they couldn't even be sure what the cause was. Heart kidneys, they weren't sure. He had been not been sick at all.

It was sudden and I I will have to say that the faith that has been the difference for me was one that was not at our house at that time in our family. My dad had nowhere to turn. He had no uh he had no Jesus to turn to.

That was a difference for me And uh and I I saw him just crushed, uh almost immobilized by grief. I have to I I can't help but compare that to m to my experience years later uh losing not a child but losing my wife and knowing uh I've experienced a tremendous difference. I will say that uh as time went on my dad did in his desperation, you know, when a man gets to a point where there's something he can't figure out and he can't fix and and he can't handle and he can't control We hit a wall and we go, I who do I turn to?

And thankfully he did turn to Jesus at that point and that made the difference from that point on. But Um, I I remember the agony and the the ongoing agony of my dad for some time after that.

Doug:
You know, Dad, you you brought up that um your dad experienced this without having Jesus in his life at that point, and praise God that that changed. Um and the Lord used this tragedy directly to for for him to get to know his savior. Um the reality is, you know, there are some folks who are suffering um grief this time of year that have Jesus and um there are some suffering grief without him Which is is such a a a terrible thing.

And they're both hard. They're both hard and they're and it both are a reality. And and Dad and I were talking a little bit more and we just we thought It would be a good idea just to boil down a few ideas that um so if you've got your your pen or your phone or whatever, uh uh hopefully these will help.

Um to uh whether you're the one suffering, whether you know the person who's suffering and you want to be the one that comforts them, their ambassador, um, there are ways you can be Jesus to the to the one that's hurting. There are ways that you can experience Jesus if you are the one that's doing the hurting Um i one interesting one, I actually I just had a friend recently say this also. Um I think people uh are afraid when they know someone that that has lost a loved one to even bring it up.

They're like, I I I shouldn't say the name, I I'll talk about anything except that because I'm going to create a lot of hurt If I And I don't know what to say. I don't know what to say, but it's actually okay when you do it respectfully to say the name of a lost one, to bring them up. It honors the person, the person who's missing them.

Ron:
Even more than that, to ask them about the person and to ask, let them tell their stories of that person. Uh there there are there were times there were crazy times uh you had with them, there were fun times, there were uh tender times that you had with them, there were hard times you had with them. But let them Tell those stories.

There's there's there's a little healing, a little therapy. I'll tell you the other thing that does is it enables the person with the loss uh to look at more than just the end of the life of that person. You know, the we we get all carried away, well, if only they'd gone had gotten a second opinion, if only he'd left five minutes sooner, if only, if only, stop it.

Their their end of their life is a tiny teeny percentage of their life. There was a whole life there. And uh, you know, some places, some services they call a celebration of life.

Oh that's good to celebrate their life. Let them talk about that person. Um that's that that's important.

But don't I I can can I tell you something never to say probably? I know how you feel No, you don't. Grief is never the same for any two people. And even though I've had significant loss in my life, not just There, but I've had other kinds of losses in my life as l health, all kinds of things, you know, years ago, shoulder stuff, all that, whatever Man, um you don't know how they feel and it sounds so hollow to the other person and it just makes them like No, you don't and it almost shuts them down.

So d don't go there. But l but listen to how they feel.

Doug:
That is so good. Um yeah, uh another thing that I I think is that We're a we we almost feel paralyzed because we we we don't know the perfect thing to do to help this person. So we m paralyzed in the sense we might not even do anything 'cause we feel like It's better to not risk hurting them than it is to bring them the wrong thing or say the wrong thing. Um, but man, I think we gotta let don't let not knowing the perfect thing to do Paralyze you from not doing anything. Do something.

Ron:
You know, there's a a a great prayer to pray, and it's very simple. Lord Help me listen with your ears. Help me hear what you hear.

Help me see what you're seeing right now. And give me words to say if I should say anything. Two things that are probably a pretty good bet.

One is a hug. Hugs are hugs are are good. The other, and you might ask them depending on where they are at spiritually, the other is to pray for them and pray with them, not just say, I will pray for you.

Well, how about right now? and to let them hear you. Don't preach in your prayer.

Just make it a heartfelt um prayer for God's comfort and closeness. uh and and wrapping his arms around them and carrying them when they can't walk. That kind of a prayer for them, a sensitive prayer Ask their permission if if you think that's needed to say would you mind I'm gonna be praying for you.

Would you mind if I if I did it right now Um, and I'd just like to pray a short prayer with you. And so, you know, hug and pray, uh, those are pretty good bets.

Doug:
You know, um uh while I was preparing for this, um I I stumbled over some scripture and it it gave me a different I had never thought of this. You know, the word of God is active and and uh it's alive and This is why y you if you've read the same thing a thousand times, you may have a thousand different things the Holy Spirit tells you depending where you're at in your life. It's one of the amazing things about the word of God.

And I Read this be quick to listen and slow to speak. Um and especially I I think maybe guys can be like that, but everybody can. Oh we're fixers, aren't we?

We're fixers for a home improvement. You want a home improvement. Uh i do you want a Tim Allen the problem?

Um, but you might just make it worse uh by doing that. Uh i you know, in fact if you're worried you won't have all the answers, that might be a good thing because lots of times um you might just need to listen Um man, it's our presence, right? That's our greatest gift.

And not necessarily having all the answers.

Ron:
There's a tribe in Africa w uh and it's probably other places in the world where they assign they have an elder who just goes in to the hut and just sits with them. Uh and and and if s th they need to talk, he's there. Uh if they need some you know, something to eat or whatever, he's there, but he doesn't go in to say anything, uh, unless there's something needs to be said.

That idea of presence You know, you guys talk often on this podcast about being an ambassador, being the representative of the face and voice and heart and hands of Jesus for in people's lives. And if you have a relationship with Jesus um realize that your presence is is i y uh is is a physical representation of his Yeah. And just you're you're holding them, you're expressing love to them, you're talking to him uh about them in their presence.

Um Jesus shows up at funerals. Jesus shows up when there's broken hearts. In fact Uh Psalm 34, 18, boy and I have walked this trail.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. Now the the the theologians say he's omnipresent. Means he's everywhere all the time.

So what do you mean he's close? No, he he is a very present help, the psalmist said. A very pr what very pre he's real, real real really there.

He's a very present in our time of trouble. And I can attest to the fact that there is a closeness and an intimacy and an almost tangibility of Jesus' presence. Jesus is closest when the night is darkest and the valley is longest.

So David could say Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, the darkest place to walk, I will fear no evil. Really, why? Because you are with me.

Because you're with me, God.

Doug:
You know, boy, what great help you could be to somebody if you come up and say, you know, the Lord is omnipresent.

Ron:
Yes. A theology lesson would be just what the doctor ordered. Exactly. That's a great idea.

Doug:
But it and you've said so many times that it's t we we get used to saying things in religious ways. If you're gonna share about this great hope and this great savior, put it in terms that you would have understood when um you didn't know him. And and and speaking of this, and this is Uh this is a vital, uh this is maybe one of the most vital, this is one of the most vital things that we'll share here today.

That what about looking for opportunities? to share about the one that binds up the brokenhearted. Because I mean I feel like we gotta be sensitive here.

Um you you don't want to just Sunday school every all your replies just be well it's because you need Jesus in your heart. They do, and we need to let him work in our heart, yes, when when we already have him there. But if you don't have a relationship with the person, if there's not an obvious open door, you can really biff this.

But that I I've heard you say that these times, specifically around Christmas. The the holidays are perhaps some of the most significant opportunities you'll have as a representative, uh representative, an ambassador of Christ to show those you care about who he really is the kind of difference he can make. So when is it appropriate to share my faith in Jesus with someone who's living without him?

Um and and how do we look for an opportunity? How do we know when it's there to share about the one that binds up the brokenhearted

Ron:
Well, and it really is important for God to give you a green light and open a door, which is why we often talk about the three open prayer. Colossians four, uh the great apostle Paul said, pray that God will open a door for our message. And that when he when when he does, we'll proclaim it as we should.

So that prayer is obviously God likes that prayer. He put it in the Bible. So if we and what's a door?

It's a natural opportunity. It's just like, yeah. It's like a it's like s a green light suddenly goes on that something they have said, something that's gone on has opened a door.

But if you're going to talk about Jesus, talk about him in a first person way.

Doug:
Wow.

Ron:
Uh there's a difference between sharing and preaching. Preaching is You know, Doug, you need him. You need Jesus.

Uh sharing is, I realized I needed him, that I couldn't handle this alone. that this this was too big for me. And I thought, who's big enough to carry me at a time like this?

Um an interesting thing that we may forget Is that God understands grief because he had a son who died violently? He had a son who suffered the greatest injustice any human being has ever suffered um and the sinless one uh lied about and and and executed uh for for being the one who loved everybody. Um so God gets us.

God gets the the the the grieving, the loss. He's no doubt there was weeping in heaven that day As his son said, My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Answer, because he was carrying my sin.

He got separated from his father, so I would never have to be. Um so uh it it's a matter of praying for an open door. And not trying to beat the door down and not busting into the room, uh, but let that heart, let there be an opening for you to share personally.

um how Jesus has walked with you through a dark valley. And don't be t again, don't say I know how you feel. Just say what I do know is I know some dark feelings and I know the feeling of loss.

And it may or not have been a death, another kind of loss, but I know what loss feel felt like for me. And I know that I needed someone beyond me. And I thought And I disc and there in so doing, I reached out to the greatest love that is available.

And I found in Jesus a love that I couldn't no human being, as much as they might want to, no human being had that kind of love. And he had proved it by dying on a cross for me. Now see, there's no threat to you.

I'm not coming at you with this. And to say, but to think then that uh that that what the Bible calls a living hope. What's a living hope?

Hope is an idea, isn't it? No, hope is a person. Hope has a name, and his name is Jesus.

And the fact that he could conquer death meant that whatever dark feelings I'm whatever dark time I'm going through, he's bigger than Nobody else could be that for me.

Doug:
Wait, Dad, we can't go on. You mentioned a three open prayer. Oh yeah. I heard open a door. What are the other two?

Ron:
Oh yeah, there was just one open. That's right. so much for three open.

No, the other two are important. Once it's open a door and then it's open their heart. And if you're gonna open the door then get them ready to hear what you want me to say.

And then the last one is open my mouth and give me the words and the tone and and the approach to use. Um it's a powerful prayer. You don't have to say if it's God's will.

It is his will. Open open a door, open their heart, open my mouth.

Doug:
Boil this down for us. People hurting at Christmas, feeling grief more powerfully in a bigger way than ever. Some know the Lord, some don't. But if you're gonna elevator pitch this, if you were gonna boil it down for us, um what do we need to be keeping in mind? What should we take away here?

Ron:
Number one, share don't stuff. There's a real tendency to stuff and be strong, or I don't want people to see me weak. I don't want people to see my feelings.

You may have grown up around that. Stuffing grief only magnifies it, multiplies it, makes it ugly into something like anger and doubt and resentment and bitterness and loneliness and depression. and and and self-destructive feelings.

It just it it's awful when it's stuffed. Um Shakespeare said, no, not to me personally. Shakespeare said, give sorrow words.

Jesus said, Blessed are those who mourn. If they mourn, they will be comforted, he said. Secondly, and this is going to seem counterintuitive, and I know this is true, that when there's you've lost something or someone that you treasure.

Um and that is to look for someone who needs you. Now you say, man, I got I I need people. Well, good.

I know that. I know that. But the Proverbs in the Bible says, he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.

And right now, if that means finding somebody that's doing dinners for homeless people or whether it is someone who needs a word of encouragement right now, I know that um Uh I, shortly after Karen was gone, a good friend of mine, his wife never made it up to bed one night. She died at the bottom of the stairs of a heart attack. before you know and just suddenly no preparation like with mom and uh and I know I called him.

I I'm still struggling myself. And there was it for uh somehow it did something for him and it did something for me. To reach to get out of myself, going way into myself, that is not gonna help.

Uh and so reaching out to somebody, finding some people who need you or someone, Lord, uh who needs me today is a good prayer to pray. Uh also it's Christmas time and I would suggest let Christmas happen, even though you may not feel like it. These are things you gotta almost overcome your own feelings.

But you need to go to the Christmas concert. You need to go over to their house when they invite you. Uh you you you need to b be playing with the grandchildren.

Uh you need to you know Uh uh don't don't avoid the joy of the season because the contrast makes you feel worse. You need to let Christmas happen to you. Don't lose, don't miss the opportunity of of some Christmas joy, uh even though it seems it's like it seems like a discordant song, you know, where you're listening i the two notes don't blend, but you need both notes Um and uh and then I I would just say this.

Um let Jesus do what only he can do. When your heart is broken for whatever reason My experience is your heart is ripped open. It's ripped wide open.

It's open in places it's never open. You are never more vulnerable than when you're grieving. You're vulnerable to lies, to bad choices, uh uh destructive choices And you need someone who can carry you.

And whatever you let into your heart, when it's ripped wide open, will become part of your identity. It will it will it will be part of you for the rest of your life. And you can let doubt come in, you can let anger come in, you can let bitterness come in, you can let withdrawal come in, you can let depression come in.

Or you can cry out to Jesus, who is, you quoted Doug, he said, I have come to bind up the brokenhearted. And he can do things in a human heart nobody else can do. He is he is a resurrected, death-crushing savior.

And he can do things. He has power and he has a love that is so unconditional and so massive that when that comes in There is peace where you never thought there could be. It doesn't wipe out the grief.

The grief doesn't go away It's just that there's something on the other side of the scale called hope. And it just weighs more. It doesn't cancel the grief.

But the Bible says if you we don't sorrow as others who have no hope. And I would say when you realize that this Jesus loved you enough to die to pay for the things that have separated you from God, all the things we've done, kind of. Telling God that you run the universe, I'll run me, I'll do my life, thank you.

All of that stuff. Uh Jesus died to pay for it, so you don't have to. There is no love like that.

There is no other love like that. And there is no other love like this. Here's what the Bible says.

Nothing in all creation can separate us. from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Karen and I had an inseparable love, but we didn't have a choice.

There was a night, there was a day when there was no choice. Her time was done here. And that love inseparable in my heart.

But physically, there is there I she's not here. She's not here. He still is.

There's no way. Jesus is the only love in the world that is divorce proof, disappointment proof. Um desertion proof and death proof.

Yeah. It's that kind of love. And he is not a he's not a dead decoration on a cross at a in church somewhere.

He is alive. He walked he is the living hope. Inviting him into do what only he can do, and to go where only he can go in the very depths of your heart.

is the beginning of healing.

Doug:
Wow. Um I got uh as we wrap up here, I've I've got one more uh friend if you're listening, I've got uh a piece of advice for you here. Uh go to Hutchcraft.

com and um look up this book Hope when your heart is breaking. I I I had a um a friend recently tell me he owns a body shop in New Jersey. He said, Doug, I keep a stack of of that book for anyone who comes into my business that is hurting and struggling with anything.

He says it it says more than any other book I have read on the subject. Um that it's amazing and we've just scratched the surface here. So uh another another thing you can do, um go to Hutchcraft.

com, put in broken at Christmas in the search and and you'll find an ebook about some of these things. Man, just go to Google. I I'll tell you what I did recently.

Go to Google, put in grief Christmas, Ron Hutchcraft. And you're going to see amazing articles, blogs, a word with use that cover um these things in some more depth. If you're listening, we want to thank you for doing that.

We ask that you would um wherever you listen that you'd go and and leave a review. Um, that you'd uh if if you'd love to give us four stars, that'd be great. Not if it's out of ten.

Um i i that's four out of four, please. That would be great. Um and uh we're we're grateful that that you're checking this out.

We are praying for you that you I have an idea. Uh oh wait a minute Oh. What is it?

I was gonna ask if you pray on this program. You know what? How about this, Dad?

How about you pray? To uh wrap us up here. I was about to say, perfect second, I was about to say, we pray for you.

Ron:
In fact, let's do that now. Let's really do it Well Lord, we uh we thank you that um you know uh who's listening right now or watching, and uh we ask that you would be very present for them right now. We pray that you would move in and rap.

your big old carpenter's strong arms around them and may they feel your love, may they feel your presence. Uh and uh we pray, Father, that you would give them something. It's pretty hard to find right now, perhaps And that that is hope that you are already in their future, getting a future ready for them.

This is not the end. And we pray, Lord, that if they've lost a loved one, we know that that hole will always be there, but we pray that you will help them. Build rebuild the life around that hole instead of having to just stand there and be there all their life And uh there is life ahead, Lord.

You are the one who said, I've come that they may have life and have it to the full So please, please impart life and hope to them today. And for those who are who know someone uh who is grieving today, whatever loss, We pray that you would give them ears to hear what you hear, eyes to see what you see, a heart to feel what you feel, and words to say that you would say if you were there. or just silence if that's what you would have for them at that moment.

So we pray for that comfort, we pray for healing, we pray for

Doug:
uh hope in jesus name amen amen we are wishing you a merry christmas a hope filled Christmas. Whether it's Christmas or whether it's any other time of the year, you know what we're gonna say and how we're gonna end this. We are praying that you will go mad.